Don't know how to get past this - want my mum to die.

[DontLetTheMugglesGetYouDown]

I've been thinking more and more about her death and wishing it upon her and I don't know how to move on from it.

She is an alcoholic, has been for over 10 years now. She made my childhood hell, pretty sure her emotional abuse led to my breakdown. She is also a very manipulative person who isn't afraid to tell lies in order to gain attention. Recently found out she told everyone she knows that I had died she's said the same about her sisters. She's also told me that she has cancer and cried on my shoulder while I supported her. It's all lies.

The only person she cares about is herself and I'm not sure why I still have her in my life. She has no one else left, I suppose she is a vulnerable lady with obvious undiagnosed MH issues and I feel terrible guilt whenever I think of going NC.

I just want her to die. That way I'd feel no guilt over her and can move on with my life. I just feel like an awful person for even thinking that way, worried I'm becoming like her.

Feels a bit better getting that out! Not expecting any replies to something so grim but if anyone has any advice that'd be marvellous.

[Roshbegosh]

It sounds like you do need to break off all communication with her. She sounds terribly toxic for you, to say the least.

These thoughts are damaging for you, not that I blame you at all for having them, but you might find counselling helpful to get you past this burden of guilt. You need a way of focusing on healing yourself that does not involve her living or dying. You getting well needs to be where your thoughts lie.

[SirSugar]

Not an unusual thought if you are the victim of abuse. When I realised my abusive H was going to die, all I could think about was the fact that I would be free of ever having to deal with him again.

When he passed away I cried tears of relief all mixed up with the grief; but that was more about how sad and scared he was and how I felt that he had wasted his life on nasty abuse.

[DontLetTheMugglesGetYouDown]

Thanks for your replies. I'm ok now but was very depressed for a few years. I'm just sick of having her in my life and feeling like I have to care for her. The only way I can see out of it is her dying.

Counselling would be great but the waiting list at the GP is sooo long for it and I'd feel bad for taking the service away from someone who may need it more than me iykwim.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

I would be talking to Al-anon as they are helpful to family members of alcoholics.

You owe her nothing really and she has failed you utterly but you cannot truly believe that because you still feel obligated towards her. Its also hard being the last one left (I presume everyone else has got fed up with her lies and selfishness)

You may also want to read Toxic Parents written by Susan Forward as a starting point too.

I would contact BACP re counselling - waiting lists at GPs for counselling are a mile long and you would only receive a minimal number of sessions. Please do not feel guilty about seeking help now; you of all people deserve a better life after the hell on earth of one your mother has put you through.

[VesuviusPoovius]

My similarly alcoholic and unpleasant mother is currently in hospital again with another a 'rare' medical condition very common in alcoholics though.

I went to a service this weekend in support of a hospice - loads of bereaved people there. All I could think was that these people were grieving for lives lost. I won't. The people they were grieving for wanted to live. She doesn't.

She does this death bed weeks in hospital thing at least twice a year.

[Vivacia]

What is that you want from her death? I'm thinking you could probably achieve most, if not all, of the list without wishing her dead.

[Meerka]

If you've put up with endless abusiveness and the "I'm dying" game for years and years - well as a friend said to me about a similar relative "time she lived up to her word"

You can't help how you feel, but you can help what you do. Sounds like you need some serious counselling or therapy to come to terms with a number of emotions and then decide for yourself how much you want to be involved, without allowing ungovernable guilt to dominate your life.

Again, you can't help how you feel and the point does come when you simply long for someone who is desperately destructive and who claims to be dying or claims others are dying constantly.

[Meerka]

... to free you from the emotional jerking around. That's natural and you don't need to feel guilty about it. Its how you act in these circumstances that counts, not what you feel.

sorry posted too soon.

[FreakinScaryCaaw]

You owe her nothing. She's responsible for herself. Try to break free.

[expatinscotland]

Well, for one thing, have a clean conscience about anything you feel. You cannot 'wish' death or life on anyone. And what you feel is entirely normal.

But from the sounds of it you need to cut ties with her entirely.

[WhatsTheCrack]

I have felt the same about my own toxic mother. Sometimestheyre so intrusive and manipulative that death can seem like the only escape.
I went no contact 8 years ago and am happier all the time. Sure I feel guilty sometimes but I'd take the guilt anyday over the stress off her emotional abuse.
Don't wait to start living your life. It's time to look after you x

[something2say]

I think you need a massive hug and to be told its alright not to be there for her that much anymore, and maybe in lesser more detached ways. There are parents out there like yours and this does happen, it is often easier without them and its is ok to say you don't want to be there for her any,ore, for her crises that she creates herself. Take it easy and just cut back and say goodbye to this incarnation of your relationship in your heart xx and maybe do some grieving of loss sadness and anger too x

[Meerka]

Ye I think you need a good hug too!

[HowardTJMoon]

I'm just sick of having her in my life and feeling like I have to care for her. The only way I can see out of it is her dying.

There are more choices open to you than to continue putting yourself in the firing line for her manipulation and lies while waiting for her to die. Just sitting and waiting for someone else to take the decision out of your hands is to abdicate yourself from both responsibility for, and control over, your own choices, your own life, and your own happiness.

There is a horribly trite but nevertheless true saying in Al-Anon. "Nothing changes if nothing changes." You can't get her to change because she doesn't want to. You can choose to change your own life though. You can't change how you feel but you make different choices about what you do. If someone is so poisonous to your own health and happiness then you owe it to yourself and the people who really do love you to cut that poison out of your life.

Just because we are related to someone it does not give them some special right to treat us badly.

[DontLetTheMugglesGetYouDown]

Thank you so much for the replies and hugs, was almost expecting to be told off for being a horrible human being. Nice to know I'm not the only one with a mother like this, it's easy to become wrapped up in your own problems.

vivacia I guess I want her dead so that I don't have to worry or stress about her anymore. I don't feel like I could cut her off as she obviously has mental health problems and she has no idea what she is like. If I didn't check on her then she could probably die in her house and no one would realise for weeks, maybe months. She brought me in to this world so I feel obligated to care for her. Im just tired of the drama and lack of respect she shows for me :( I mean who goes round accepting sympathy cards for the loss of their daughter??

I'll look in to that counselling and al anon, would be good to talk it out with someone who understands.

[Bearleigh]

Another one with an alcoholic mother here. I don't think she was as bad as yours, but she was bad enough so you have my sympathy and understanding too. I agree your feelings are understandable and you shouldn't beat yourself up about it. I was in therapy for years, and it really helped. I still remember the fantastic feeling when I finally knew that I no longer felt I needed my parents to show they loved me (which of course they couldn't). Be good to yourself and don't feel guilty.

[Auriga]

Her death will not necessarily release you from the feelings of guilt, though. It's therapy that will help with that. Don't worry about people who might need it more. Minimising your own needs is part of the pattern and the problem, when you've grown up with an alcoholic.

[FreakinScaryCaaw]

Can SS not help? Surely they could make sure she's checked upon?

[mrsWast]

i went no-contact with my toxic, alcoholic mother 5 years ago. i totally relate to the wanting her to die thing. i'm a recovering alcoholic myself, and i understand the awfulness of addiction but the thing is simply that she didn't care enough about anyone, or herself, to do anything about it.

she has three children and none of us have anything to do with her.

i don't know how i'll react when she does finally pop off. i think i'll grieve for the mother i never had, rather than her as a person.

you can't choose your family, but you can choose not to let them damage you any further.

[erstdieArbeit]

Lots of good advice here and NO you are certainly not a horrid human being. You feel what you feel.You do not have a lot of control over that and you trying to control it will just suck away what little energy you have. Surely going no contact would have a similer effect.That way too she would be out of your life. Easy to say, I know. Not so easy to do. So sorry you have haf all this suffering and I am sure that others telling you of similar experiences will do you good. You are surely at an age now that you need and deserve an easier life without major drama.

We are all rooting for you. All tje very best.

[eden263]

Totally understand how you feel. Often wished my dad would die when I was a child because he was violent and volatile and terrified me, then later when I was trapped in a loveless marriage with no money and nowhere to go (and 2 DCs to consider) I often half hoped my EXH would have a car crash. Not because I actually wanted them dead per se, but it was the only way out of the situation that I could see.

Agree with the others about death not stopping the guilt/feelings. I have a difficult relationship with my own mother and my main feelings towards her are anger and sadness at the fact she's stopped us from ever having any kind of loving mother-daughter relationship. When she dies I will still resent her for that, still feel cheated and mourn what should have been, and I feel do feel guilty for being angry as I guess it's just how she is, but I've tried and she hasn't, and she should have.

You need to talk to someone to help you come to terms with everything, so that it doesn't eat you up any more than it already has. You're not a bad person at all, just someone who is in an awful situation from which you can't escape. Good luck x

[springytickle]

I longed for my exh to die so I'd be free of his endless abuse, which got worse after I left him (though admittedly I didn't have to see him every day and I was out of his orbit - phew). Then he did die; prematurely. It hasn't been a bed of roses if I'm honest - a complex bereavement, apparently - but, like SirSugar's experience, my initial response was ecstatic relief and release.

Your feelings are completely understandable. I think you do need support through this. Don't bother with the GP, they only offer you about 6 weeks anyway, which is less than useless with what you're facing. Chances are the NHS will only offer you eg CBT which, although good, you need something much more specific. Have a look at BACP and see what counsellors are in your area, who you like the sound of (who you can afford? Many offer reductions, just ask). If money is an issue, see what you can get through eg AA or Al-Anon, who have a list of counsellors who specialise in alcohol-related issues. Also try Womens orgs where you can often get low-cost counselling - but there's usually a waiting list for this, sadly, but you could get lucky and a slot may come up fairly quickly.

[EBearhug]

Having been in a similar situation, all I can tell you is that when she dies, it may not be easier, just different. It is true I don't have to edit my life before telling her news, because I can't tell her anything, and I don't have to wait for the call to say she's been rushed to hospital. But she wasn't all bad and there are things I miss. But I also can't ask her why she behaved in particular ways, what was the point of always putting me down, never being supportive, never seeing anyone else's point of view, never apologising, not letting me believe... well, whatever, I am finding getting over her death quite different from getting over Dad's, because my feelings are far more complicated. There's sadness, but a lot of anger and other stuff, too.