How do you deal with anger?

[laughingeyes2013]

I'm really angry at my husband.

I feel let down by his selfishness.

I don't want this to turn into a LTB thread, but I really would like to know how everyone deals with their anger to prevent it becoming inwardly toxic.

I know that my anger will only harm ME. And I don't want that to happen.

I have MS and a second child aged 5.5 months. The other child is 3.5 years old. Both wake up in the night, resulting in about 5 wake-ups each night (3 to feed prem baby and 2 for toddler needing to pee etc).

I've been solely dealing with it all when husband works, and asking him to do ONE feed overnight to help me out when he has a day off.

He is so tired on his days off that he resents this and is being selfish about it. He is pressurising me to put the baby into a room of his own before I am happy to. The reason I am not happy is that baby has multi-factorial reasons for keeping him in our bedroom longer. They are;

1. He is male (higher risk of SIDS)
2. He is prem by 5 weeks, also increased SIDS risk.
3. We front sleep him because of the awful reflux he had - unsafe.
4. He currently is being treated for croup with steroids.
5. My gut instinct is uneasy.
6. I am told that they should be moved according to the adjusted age.

Husband constantly goes on about it and is hard to live with. I suppose you could say "grow a thick skin" but it affects me even though I try to avoid it.

We've come to a compromise, heavily in his favour so it's probably not really a compromise at all really, where I will move into the nursery (tiny spare room) with the baby and sleep on an air mattress, so husband isn't disturbed, but I am getting what I want - the safety of our baby.

This isn't about the rights and wrongs of the situation - I strongly believe that he is wrong as he is being really selfish! But I am so angry with him I feel like walking away. But I'm not going to, instead I want to learn how to deal with my anger, as I know in relationships people can make wrong choices and make each other angry. This isn't the first and am sure it won't be the last.

The thing is I don't want to be anywhere near him or even look at him at the moment. I feel cold towards him as I am exhausted and have already been doing the lions share for almost 6 months, during which one I've already had an MS relapse.

This anger won't help with that either, so help me out here folks! How do you deal with anger, I need a lot of wisdom here.

[Aeroaddict]

I don't think anyone is going to tell you to grow a thick skin and deal with it. I'm not surprised you are angry, it sounds like you get very little support from your husband. If you want to stay with him I think you need to calmly explain how angry he is making you feel, and the effects it is having on your health, and hope that he steps up, and starts doing something to support you. In reality though it doesn't sound like that is going to happen though. Is there anyone else who could help you out? Any local family or friends who could take over to give you a break sometimes?

[laughingeyes2013]

Yes I have family who help, although I hate to put on them, I feel I have no choice.

Still don't know what to do with the anger I feel though!

[cjel]

I am sorry that you feel so angry, and understand the thought of worrying about your baby, but 5 weeks isn't too prem and your H may be right about moving him? I remember asking my ds if their baby(7wks prem) was in his own room yet and he said 'no, I think hes with us till hes 18') the worry is horrendous.
Is there any chance you could get a monitor so that you could feel more at ease that your baby is safe? I don't know that he will be safer in your room even will he?

Having said all that is your anger because you feel that H doesn't care as much as you do? If it is perhaps it may be a good idea to have a think about that -because I'm sure that isn't true.You have both been through a lot and are dealing with your exhaustion in different ways. I would say that the best way to deal with it is to talk to each other about it when you are not so tired and don't feel angryxx

[laughingeyes2013]

Yeah - I guess it's too easy to take someone else's weaknesses personally (in this case, selfishness).

[laughingeyes2013]

I am.

It's because he gets a bad back and wants it all. Not always much of a giver I'm afraid. Least not when he thinks there's no point in his opinion.

[Inthequietcoach]

So, what if the air mattress gives you a bad back?

I think you move baby when you are ready to. Would a sound and movement monitor help? Or is it the case that you would still be getting up for feeds, therefore disturbing him, and you, hence you moving so he sleeps on?

I think the problem is that you are exhausted and getting no support. Is moving the baby going to help with that?

[laughingeyes2013]

No but it will get him off my back!

I dispute the theory that the baby is woken by him, as when DH sleeps uninterrupted on work nights, baby still wakes at exactly the same time for feeds!

[laughingeyes2013]

The thing about the movement monitor is that I have read they don't actually prevent SIDS. We do have one, but I am aware that other factors such as 'hearing' parents breathing can help babies unconsciously do the same in their sleep. And being woken can apparently help keep babies in a lighter sleep which apparently helps prevent SIDS.

I am a bit spooked by the way he lies on his front really. Plus his current croup. And that good old fashions gut feeling that makes me feel cautious but I can't say why.

With my first baby I had none of this, he was full term and I was quite happy to move him out of our room at 5 months. You expect a FTP to be more anxious to follow guidelines to the letter of the law (and rightly so!), which makes me want to follow this feeling.

[MaryGorddon]

There seem to be two issues here, one a mainly factual issue, the other, dissatisfaction with your husband who you find to be generally selfish.

Deaths due to SIDS are extremely rare - around 300 in 17 million babies. The large majority of these babies will be under 16 weeks old. It would be astonishingly rare for a baby of your son's age to be affected by SIDS, whether or not he was born prematurely. I completely understand why you would want your son to be in the same room at night when he has croup or any other illness, but perhaps you and your husband could negotiate a time when your son can move into his own room.

The other issue is much larger and maybe the focus and anger around the baby is a distraction to the real issue which is a poor relationship between you and your husband which, like the children, will need some attention.

[tinmug]

I strongly believe that he is wrong as he is being really selfish! But I am so angry with him I feel like walking away. But I'm not going to, instead I want to learn how to deal with my anger

I don't really understand why you want to "deal with" your anger as opposed to acting on it. You recognise that your husband's behaviour is horrible. You recognise that your anger is an entirely reasonable, rational, proportionate response to his awful behaviour. He is being really horrible to you. Your anger is not pathological. Why - instead of acting on your anger - do you want to "deal with it," ie prolong your exposure to the person causing this entirely legitimate feeling?
Anger isn't always, in every instance, damaging and toxic. Women are allowed to get angry. You are allowed to act on it. Why have you decided not to walk away from him?

[Hassled]

You're missing a gigantic point here - which is that your anger is justified. You can't "deal with it" because it isn't going anywhere because your DH is being completely unsupportive. The only thing which will make you less angry is your DH listening to you and coming up with compromises which aren't entirely in your favour.

You need to talk this through with him again. This just isn't fair on you.

[Hassled]

compromises which aren't entirely in his favour - sorry.

[laughingeyes2013]

My next door neighbour lost her. Son through cot death so I am sensitive too the idea that it can and does happen, even rarely. Same goes for my ms really "it wa never going to happen to healthy ole me"0

[Inthequietcoach]

it is your baby, I think you have to go with your instinct. FWIW, I co-slept with both of mine and would have been unhappy to have someone tell me I had to move them. I did move DD at around 8 months, but honestly, I would then lie awake listening to the beeping of the monitor.

I agree that your anger is justified, and that your husband is being unsupportive, and indeed, horrible. Agree that swallowing the anger is not a solution, it will make you physically ill over time.

I know that is not much help, because it does not offer a solution. But you are understandably anxious about your baby, and that anxiety means that you are not going to feel relaxed and for as long as husband keeps hassling you, the anxiety is going to get worse as you feel under pressure.

Plus, I am not sure it is just about the sleeping, you are doing all the childcare including nights because he is apparently too tired, and you have MS. Not that tiredness should be a competition, but your shift never ends. I know you don't look at it like that when it is dc, but it is true.

[laughingeyes2013]

My phone keeps sending before I'm ready!

Regarde

[laughingeyes2013]

Regarding leaving have case

[laughingeyes2013]

Ok, let's try again!

I was saying that re leaving because I'm angry, I suppose it's because I recognise relationships have flaws and that people make each other angry from time to time.

Being selfish over sleep for a few months isn't a deal breaker for me, especially when there are children involved. I'm not saying I'd always stay if he stays like this long term, but that for the moment I don't think it warrants it.

I do feel justified being angry but I know its toxic for me to internalise that. I don't want to suppress it either; I recognise that would be equally unhealthy.

The question I ask myself is would this make everyone as angry as I feel? Possibly not. I suppose they gives me some power over the anger and what I do with it, understandable though it is.

[Inthequietcoach]

In and of itself, I don't know if it would make me angry. I did the lion's share of the childcare and all of the night-waking/feeds with both my children and accepted this.

But neither father (yes, there were two, which maybe shows where I am going with my answer) pressured me to move dc before I was ready, nor had me sleep on the floor (though one moved himself out of the bedroom as soon as baby was born). The toll on the relationship, in both cases, was because doing all the babycare and night-waking was part of a broader pattern, which was based on inequality.

I would say if you are looking at it in totality of your relationship, the question is how well you communicate generally and what you have done in the past with angry-making situations.

[tinmug]

re leaving because I'm angry, I suppose it's because I recognise relationships have flaws and that people make each other angry from time to time

Can you identify any ways in which you make your husband angry, which you feel are similar to this situation?

[laughingeyes2013]

Coach - there's food for thought! I will have to consider that one, nothing is jumping out at me for the moment but that may be as much to do with my tiredness (have a high temperature again tonight and feel pretty rough). You're right, our communication is shite seriously lacking and sometimes I don't know where to start as it seems to make no difference, but that's a whole other topic!

Tinmug - I honestly don't know the answer to that. I think that, although I recognise I'm not perfect, I really give a lot in the relationship and he gets a good deal a lot of the time! That said I'm in no way the perfect wife and I get frustrated with my ms and ways it limits me and so then limits the family too. I suppose he sometimes feels that nothing he does it good enough but I don't think that makes him angry as such. But that's not the same, in answer to your question.

[wontletmesignin]

Anger can be dealt with in many different ways, and im betting you can already deal with your anger.
However, the anger you are feeling will be with resentment. Simply because younknow he is being selfish, and is refusing to do anything about it..selfish again.
You know you need support, and he does too. But he isnt giving you it.

I would have strong words, and if he still refused i would seriously consider your relationship. If he is not supportive now, why do you think he will be in five years time?

[bunchoffives]

Some form of exercise or distracting activity usually helps me deal with anger.

I also think meditation or prayer helps get things in proportion and dispels the energy of anger.

The trouble is you are right to feel anger at injustice - and your H is being unfair. That's his baby too. Why shouldn't he get up at least one night each week - at least to the toddler if you are bf.

[livingmydream612]

I a sorry op. no constructive advice but had to say your husband is a wanker. You have two children and an illness. You dont sound like you get anything from him. But it sounds like you do everything already. Why put up with this.... You deserve far better. If your daughter's husband behaved like this... Would you tell her that that behaviour is ok and accept it.

Its not for me but to each there own