thoughts on how to survive infidelity / betrayal

[QwertyQueen]

Hi..
i have recently gone through this after 14 years of marriage.
It has been 5 months and what hell. I wouldn't wish this on anyone.
BUT
I am starting to come out of it.
I still remember, vividly, the devastation and emotions one feels when you discover what is happening.
In my case it was the bi-polar boyfriend of the OW on my doorstep breaking the news to me, whilst my children were at home, and then threatening to kill himself.

But, I really want to share the words and thoughts that have helped me through this.
Some from friends, some read, some from me.

Please, add to this list.... I would love it to help someone out there.

My tips for surviving a marriage breakup / betrayal..

1 - Remember:
It wasn’t your fault. No matter how bad things were, he is solely responsible for the choices he made.

2 – affirm that you are worth more.
I changed my computer password to “I am awesome” so that every morning I had to write it, and it made me smile.

3 – be gentle to yourself.
When your body goes through a big shock it takes it’s toll physically on you.
Eat when you can, don’t put pressure on yourself.

4 – Having said that - Don’t feel guilty doing what makes you feel better
In my case, if you will pardon the pun, I drank A LOT of wine…. But I knew it was temporary and it would pass, much like the pain.

5 – get help.
You can’t do it alone. See a therapist if you can afford one – the best thing I ever did. Get medication from your doctor – again, this will pass

6 – Don’t try and understand why it happened.
You never will.

7 – Don’t snoop.
Don’t read e-mails if you know his passwords. It is human nature to want to know what they are doing but 2 things: it can only ever hurt you, and set your healing back…. AND it doesn’t matter. That is important. What he is doing / feeling / saying DOES NOT MATTER.

8 – don’t lower yourself
I imagine many people will disagree with me here, but don’t become psycho bitch and burn all his clothes, and spraypaint “WHORE” on the other woman’s car. Behave in a way that you can hold your head high and know you are better than any of them.

9 – do more of what makes you happy
This is about YOU. Small things: like a coffee at the beach, a chat with a friend when the kids are in bed, a trip to the theatre

10 – try and see this as a gift
you are about to discover yourself in a whole new way…..
this has been especially poignant and true for me.

11 – you will probably have days when you think “I can’t be strong anymore”, when you want to just run away. Just know it is normal, and will pass… and oneday things will be OK

12 – Try not to focus on what you miss, what the good things were. But try remember the good that has come from this…. In my case not walking on eggshells every night, being able to sit here, naked, with a glass of wine, pouring my heart onto this computer screen hoping I can make is just little easier for someone else!

[Whatnext074]

An inspirational post Qwerty. Most of your points are my life right now and I hope to reach the rest of your points soon as it does hurt so much.

I used to drink wine only at Christmas but have felt guilty for having a glass every night but I will try and remember that will pass. You must be in a hot place to be drinking it naked though, I'm chilly.

[holstenlips]

Well done Qwerty . Hope im as strong as you. X

[redundantandbitter]

Oh blimey. I really needed to read that . Will print that out! I hate the asking 'why' ... I don't understand, I am Getting help, I' m Sort of dignified, but not eating well, not snooping but am Still focussing on what I had .

So 50/50 .. It's a good job I don't drink coz I'd be a drunken wreck. And skint. Have one for me what - so you can pour yourself 2 glasses tonight. Enjoy it , you had a bloody crappy day.

[worsestershiresauce]

Mine:

Let him (her) go. Don't hang on. Don't beg. Don't plead. Don't iron his shirts or cook his diner.

Be free.

[QwertyQueen]

oh, that is a good one worcestershire...
I would still be nice to him, then feel like I had been set back...
Be free.... so true

[TortillasAndChocolate]

Thank you for this post. I recognise so much of it. It's such an absolutely heartbreaking, devastating thing to happen. I don't think I could ever have imagined how rock bottom it would send me. But then gradually without you even knowing how, it get better, bit by bit and there is more and more space between those times when you feel totally broken.

I hate that so many of us have had to go through this. I don't want to sound over dramatic but the whole thing has changed who I am in some ways.

But all will be ok - there's a better life out there.

[RollerCola]

Thanks Qwerty, they are all brilliant & I'm trying to do many of them myself. I particularly like no. 2 about changing the password! I need to do this.

My own advice is to allow yourself some real time to 'grieve'. A relationship breakup is almost like a death and you should take as much time as you like to cry, shout, scream, lie on the floor etc. Take every bit of help you can get. If you need a friend text one and they will come. The kindness of people has completely floored me, but has really REALLY helped me to get over this.

If you can, and when you feel ready, pick yourself up and have a 'this is the First day of the Rest of my Life' day. Don't look back. Don't think about your ex partner. Don't contact them unless absolutely necessary.

You CAN & WILL survive and you will be stronger. Your life will change but it will be MUCH better.

You can do this!

[QwertyQueen]

Yes, it is a major loss, a lot like a death.
Also the death of what you thought to be true
In my case I was more sad about no longer being a "family" than being single:(

[RollerCola]

I can completely understand that. I was just thinking about it today actually - any feelings of sadness I've got are for the loss of the 'family unit' I thought I belonged to, but also for allowing myself to spend such a long time with someone who blatantly didn't care for me.

I don't feel sad about him not being here, I don't miss him, I barely even think about him. In fact I wish I didn't have to see him at all. But the sadness I do feel is for how he damaged me as a person. I think it'll take me a while to find the old me again.

[babycow38]

OMG i so needed to read this tonight,thank you so much. I amm 4 weeks in from finding out my partner of 16 years has been having an affair, we have two daughters who have seen me reach rock bottom over this time and tonight i logged on to try to reach other women who have gone through this, i feel pain,anger ,guilt,was i not sexy?pretty enough? i have a good few hours and then some memory will send me straight back to misery, just feeling very confused,havent been able to eat anyhing than chicken cup a soup and desperately just trying to get up and be a good mum, thank you whoever you are who posted ,you have helped me tonight x