he has said he wants a divorce. its what I want too but it bloody hurts

[yummytummy]

So, long history of a shit relationship lots of physical and emotional abuse from him to me. I was trying to build up strength to escape. Very nasty fight with him throwing stuff and calling me a shithead etc. Anyway after that he decides he wants a divorce. Am pissed off as again the power has been taken from me and I wanted to hit him with it not other way around. I have much more evidence against him too.

But even though it is best to not be together it still hurts somuch. He has completely destroyed my self esteem and confidence through all the abuse and I was getting to my end point so I should feel relieved but I dont.

Thats nearly 20 years we have been together met at 18 and have never known anything else

Have gone into a weird numb shock state and dont know what to do with myself.

He is moving out on tuesday and is saying he will still pay mortgage for me and kids which I never thought he wd do so willingly as he is usually so downright nasty manipulative and unreasonable

It really hurts which I didnt think it would.

Am all shaky and feel a bit sick

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

It doesn't matter how bad a relationship is, if you've spent the last 20 years hoping it would better, it'll be the future you hoped for that you're grieving for now. If your self-esteem has been smashed by years of abuse, it'll also feel very scary now that you've been cast adrift. If you're surprised at his willingness to leave, be prepared to find that you've been replaced by his next victim.... expect that's also occurred to you?

Do you have some RL friends or family that you can be with short -term?

[mammadiggingdeep]

Firstly, hugs.
Secondly, be with someone on rl. You need support.
Thirdly, you will feel like he still has the power. BUT you can take control now. No texting, no phoning...let him go on Tuesday and be out of the house when he moved. Then go no contact. You can do this. You will do this. You're only 38. As Del Boy trotter says...the world is your lobster. Don't let the bastard still have a hold on you. This is the next chapter for you. Make it a great one x

[mammadiggingdeep]

As for the sick and shaky feeling- totally normal. Give yourself time. Take a day at a time.

[yummytummy]

Thanks for replies unfortunately cant go no contact as will have to sort arrangements for dcs. Have texted a friend she has said to come over once dcs asleep. Am scared of being a single parent as he does a lot with kids and I have no confidence to cope alone. Little things like on a work day he takes one dc and I take the other how to sort all that all these random things.

Had thought he may have someone else that hurts too but I guess it doesnt really matter now its over

[mammadiggingdeep]

I meant no contact apart from sorting dc's. honestly, when it happened to me I didn't know how I'd manage ;2 dd's under 2.5)....you just find super-extra-mummy powers. Honestly. It'll be hard but u CAN do it xx

[Lucca22]

Had the same sort of relationship, mine left for another woman in the end. Looking back he was a self-centred shit head so in my case it was never going to improve. If it was a long abusive relationship you will feel the loss like the loss of an addictive drug which you know is messing your mind up but don't know how to kick. Not seeing my soon to be ex husband has helped, it's difficult at first but if you can stay away and regain some of that much needed strength which has been zapped out of you over the years, you'll start to feel a whole lot better. He'll try and catch you off guard with little controlling mind games, that's when you really need to be strong and show him he can't call the shots anymore. Good Luck x

[RhondaJean]

I am sure I have read so many of your threads and if I am right then this is th best thing that has happened to you.

It may not seem like it but when you look back it will be.

Be brave. You need time to rebuild your confidence. Contact women's aid, they should be able to help you with support.

[oldgrandmama]

You poor darling but honestly, you're over the worst, the decision's been made even if he's made it (wanting divorce). The only way is UP from now on and yes, it'll be hard but honestly, from what you've told us about the relationship, you won't regret it. Yes, all sorts of stuff to sort out but sort it you will. You'll look back on all this and give a great sigh of relief. As for suspicions of OW, well, you know what she'll be in for! Look on it as a lucky escape on your part. And I know of what I speak ... been there, survived and never looked back.

[middleeasternpromise]

In the long run it is better that he has been the one to end it and the offer to pay mortgage when you never thought he would, is an indication of why. The one to make the decision is the one to have to carry it out. This removes the nastiness when you are trying to sort out the true costs and demands of separate households, with the ex saying 'well it was your choice' - he has taken that role and now he can keep it. You dont need to be the one to say goodbye you need to be the one who knows this is the right decision and it really doesnt matter how it came to be made. Get advice; go on a divorce website like wikivorce so you are better armed with info; and get things sorted the best way you can for the children. If hes a good dad he will still want that role. If hes got someone else yes its going to hurt but it may also work so that he isnt taking the bitterness of the split out on you. You need to work to accept this is what you truly want - not 'I thought I wanted it but now its here I dont' - do not fall into that trap, try and keep a true view on why the relationship didnt work. It is a tough road but many have walked it and mostly report they are better off for the journey. Good luck.