Confronting a lying bastard - advice and handholding please

[leavingthebastard]

After a rocky few months with my DP, punctuated by me finding him up to lots of no good on the internet (dating sites, propositioning an ex), I have finally found the motherlode of internet scumbaggery.

It means that I will have to break up with him. There can be no going back from what I've found.

However rather than just slinging him out I feel I must confront him for my own peace of mind. But I also know that this will lead to a stream of lies pouring forth from his lying bastard mouth which will make me doubt myself. I keep going over and over the possible explanations for what he's been up to, trying to justify it, trying to imagine the ways in which he might have done this accidentally or out of curiousity. So I know I will be vulnerable to any bullshit excuse. I know it's ridiculous but it's so mindbending when the person you've lived with for years turns out to be someone you never knew at all.

So I'd like some tips please on the best method of confronting this lying shitbag and minismising the gaslighting. I believe he has a secret email account and my plan is to make him log into it in front of me and hand over all devices. What I do from there I'm not sure. I've learned a lot on here about gathering evidence etc. Is there a particular thing I need to do or prepare? I don't want to make some stupid elementary mistake.

I feel like I am a gas cooker about to explode. I have told one absolutely trusted friend to get her advice. She is 100% LTB - and without even bothering to give him an explanation. The worst thing is that I will probably never be able to tell anyone else, including all my family, about this. I want to scream.

I am just holding onto the idea that I will have dodged one almighty bullet when this is over.

[TheFabulousIdiot]

take screenshots of everything.

Apart from that i don't know really. If someone is just going to lie they are just going to lie. :(

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

I'm with your friend actually. I think once you've lost all respect for someone the need for proof or evidence becomes far less relevant. I've often used the phrase... 'Is there something you want to tell me?' Liars IME are usually prepared for accusations & have a head full of ready excuses. Start with 'is there something you want to tell me?', crack on you know everything but be deliberately vague about what exactly and they'll start making excuses for things you hadn't even suspected......

[KiplingBag]

What was it that you found that was the dealbreaker?

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

Other 'liar flushers'...

"You have no idea how much shit you're in... "
"I know everything so there's no point hiding ... "
"Want to tell me what I found when I (looked in the envelope/checked your browsing history/picked up the voice mail)...?"
"What the hell do you think you're playing at...?" (This one is a good door-stepper... puts them right on the back foot and gets them gabbling!)

[leavingthebastard]

Cogito - that's a great tip. I do want to somehow elicit things I didn't even suspect. I guess I can confiscate devices and then start with that.

And I do know this is all madness. But I also know it's normal to feel this - most wronged women want all the evidence dragged out into the light before they can really move on.

[Cabrinha]

I'm probably projecting - but is it prostitutes by any chance? Just what you say about not telling people... I kept it from most as we have a child.

My STBXH had lied for years about "only looking" at the escort sites. When I chucked him and he lied again, I said "you know that's enough though, don't you?"
I didn't even bother to call him a lying bastard.

You don't need his validation. In fact - once you've got your screenshots, why not really confuse him by keeping it simple? "I don't want to be with you any more".

You don't need proof. You know. Forget his lies, just tell him you're done.

[leavingthebastard]

Cabrinha - yes I know I don't need validation. It's just so hard for my brain to actually comprehend this, that I want to hear him admit it. If he denies it I will still chuck him. It is undoubtedly all over. Sorry that you went through that, and with a child too. The only blessing is that we didn't have kids yet. Thank god.

Cogito - more great lines. I think I would start off with your "Is there something you want to tell me?" and see where that gets me. Then go in hard with the others.

[TheGinLushMinion]

I'm with your friend on this one-why give him yet another opportunity to insult your intelligence with yet more lies?

[BalloonSlayer]

You could, I suppose, if he comes out with what you know is a corker of a lie, smirk and write it down. Letting him see you of course. When you have finished, say: "Go on..."

[str8tothepoint]

Was he sleeping about with another bloke?

[Dahlen]

I'm sorry you're going through this. I know it doesn't feel like it now but you'll be so much happier when you get rid of him and start recovering.

I really wouldn't advise you to pressure him for the truth. You already know he's a liar. Liars lie. And manipulate. If he thinks you're on to him he will hedge his bets to see what you know and admit no more than you have evidence for so that he can quickly make excuses for them and wear you down. And he's had an awful lot more practise at lying and manipulation than you've had at recognising it and dealing with it. This isn't a war of words you can win, so don't even engage with it.

You know the truth. He's a liar and has behaved in a way that is a deal-breaker. Anything else is just details. You don't need his confession for permission to leave or to divorce. And why the hell should he get an explanation for being made to leave? He doesn't deserve it and knows full well why you'll be doing this. IMO your refusal to engage with him - an "I don't care about the details or what you have to say about it, my mind is made up" approach - will do much more to put him in his place than any warped, half-true confession dragged out of him would.

Good luck with your new life.

[Albert27]

The only problem with the question
Is there anything you want to tell me is that he can simply say NO!

I think the - "Want to tell me why I found XYZ" would work better.

I found a lot of prostitute/escort sites and a truly heinous website for people looking for sex abroad. There's a sickening individual rates the women in one bar on the basis of the "smell of their fannies"

Anyway, I digress. I took screenshots and emailed them to myself so when he dumped the laptop in the Thames to stop me looking (apparently it was driving me insane as opposed to him ending up in more shit) I had them all. Plus it meant I had the evidence. He still lied about it but I now live in a flat away from that arsehole.

[WhoNickedMyName]

How exactly do you propose to "make him" log into his secret email account and hand over all his devices to you?

[Hissy]

Listen, you want him gone, you just want him to know he's not completely fooled you.

What better revenge than to dump him, tell him he 'knows full well why' but never, ever discuss it.

Watch him turn himself in knots trying to work out what you know, and then do the smirking and note taking and 'And..?' thing.

You could have fun with this! :)

[something2say]

Excellent advice from Dahlen. We say the same with DV...don't expect them to admit what they have done. The thing is, how long do you need to believe it and how much do you want him to tell the truth? If he won't ever tell you the whole truth, asking for it is a waste of time, but also a massive let down, because up till now you probably expected him to be a decent person, who would not do this or tell the truth when challenged.

It actually may be interesting to see what brand of shit he actually is. The bad one or the really bad one?

[Sparklysilversequins]

I'd do what Hissy said. Leave him without a word and never tell him why but allude to all you know.

Personally if you are in the position to I would just not be there when he comes home, change phone number so he can't get hold of you. THAT would drive anyone bananas.

[Upnotdown]

You've only got to watch Jeremy Kyle et al (I know, I know, but I class it as learning about other cultures) to see how far a liar will go with a bare faced lie. They let their spouses/partners/owners take them on TV to do a lie detector test (knowing full well that they'll get called on it) and STILL argue the toss. These people actually think the rest of the world is stupid enough to be manipulated by their words. They'd rather die than come clean.

You're fighting a losing battle - your friend is right :)

[Upnotdown]

*I'm not comparing you and your partner to JK fodder by the way

[pregnantpause]

Screen shots, and send them to yourself. You've said that you will be susceptible to his manipulating. The best thing you can do now is convince yourself of the truth. He will never give it to you. Make you peace with that, tell yourself the truth about who he is and what he's done. He won't. Convince yourself, on an emotional level that ltb is a good thing, that he's a shit that did xyz and was never who you thought he was, then use cogitos methods to make him squirm. But don't go in expecting truth, honesty or remorse. If he had those things to offer, he wouldn't have done whatever it is that's led to this.

[mammadiggingdeep]

Honestly...from experience you'll never know the full truth do don't even go there. It's just more of a head fuck when they try to explain/ spout more bull shit. I'm with the poster who said to just end it and tell him "you know exactly why you lying cheating bastard". Liars and cheats think they're good at lying, by giving him a chance to talk you're going to allow him to lie again...he'll feel in control. Kick him out and take control fully. Start as u mean to go on.
You sound brilliant by the way...strong and angry. Anger is good, use it to find and maintain your strength.
Xxx

[JoinYourPlayfellows]

You will make this much harder for him if you don't give him the opportunity to do what he's best at - lying.

[leavingthebastard]

Thanks everyone. He is out tonight and I have spent this evening screenshotting everything I could find. Although even now looking through it all I'm thinking "perhaps it isn't that bad". But that is because I have lost all sense of normality after being exposed to his mental behaviour these past few months. When I confronted him about his dating sites, and his propositioning of an ex, he explained it all away as silly episodes that he was embarrassed about. And I forgave him like an idiot.

But now having discovered that this latest thing, I know that even if he could come up with an excuse I could never accept it. I could never go on to have a family with him after this.

I like the idea of just telling him to leave and "you know why" and watching him squirm. But I think he is so deluded, even if he guessed what I knew, he would think he was still spotless. I want to engage him enough so that I can give him a huge piece of my mind and tell him just what a total scumbag he is.

[mammadiggingdeep]

Ok, so you could still do that without letting him spew his bullshit.
Something like " do not speak a word. Just listen. I know exactly what you gave been up t. Does xxxxxx ring a bell? Do not speak because I don't want up hear your bullshit. You are a xxxxx and a xxxxxxxx. There's the front door. "

This way you tell him you know, tell him what u think of h and also tell him he's a bullshitting liar. Don't give j the chance to manipulate u.