Little White Lies

[BadlyShavedYeti]

This is really starting to piss me off with my relationship with DP. I am a regular but have name changed as DP knows my normal posting name.

I know this problem isnt as serious as others but it is making start to doubt my future with DP. We have been together nearly 20 years and have DC's.

Anyway, I have been catching DP out with little white lies, just really stupid ones. I have not pulled him up on any of them yet.

Examples - he has a mate who I cannot stand but he goes to the pub with him weekly. This mate has a habit of promising then instead of saying he cant make it he vanishes off the face of the earth till after the time of the promise. He promised to go somewhere with DP for a sport they both like. However, friend did his vanishing trick and DP was really annoyed as he had to go alone. DP said he was going to ignore the friend and for the next 3 or 4 days when i asked if he had spoken to friend he said he hadnt. On checking the phone bill he had been texting the friend on the night of the event (several times) and had been in contact all the other days.

If this friend wants to go to the pub, DP says he has just asked etc, but when speaking to the friends wife it was all planned a couple of days before.

I have a parking space at work (we work in the same place) and when I am on annual leave I let my friends park in it as the parking spaces are at a premium. A girl that DP is very friendly with at work was parked in my space once and DP causually mentioned that he had told her ages ago that if the space was free she could park in it.(We were on annual leave but had gone into the office to collect something). when I spoke to the girl (just in passing) she mentioned that DP had text her on the Monday offering her the space for the week. Again, he lied.

He went away on a day trip for work, was moaning about it, didnt want to go, couldnt get out of it etc, but when speaking to others at work he was apparently well up for it, couldnt wait to go blah blah blah.

I dont know why he lies as it is no skin of my nose if he contacts his friend and gets let down by him. I now wonder how many other lies does he tell me. I am too trusting, I believe everything he tells me then feel really ashamed when i discover it is a lie.


i havent pulled him up on anything as it looks like I am snooping and spying on him. How can I say to him that I know he texted his friend as I saw the phone bill. (phone bill is in my name).

What else is he lying about?

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

It's worrying when anyone feels they have to lie to you, especially when it's trivial stuff. If it was something earth-shattering -IMHO - you could kind of understand the motivation. But the small stuff... I think that's more worrying because it suggests a casual attitude to truth. Not a good way to build relationship as you can see because you've ended up snooping. Mistrust breeds mistrust.

I'd approach it as - more in sorrow than in anger - that because he is dishonest you've felt compelled to snoop and how can you (plural, as a team) communicate more honestly.

[LookingThroughTheFog]

OK, the pub thing I can't work out at all. But it's possible he lied to you because he was embarrassed that he'd bothered to talk to the person.

The parking space - it's entirely possible that he did offer her months ago that she could park AND that he texted her again to let her know it would be free specifically on that week.

The day trip - even if I hated the idea of a daytrip, I'd probably not let colleagues know about this. It would cause a bad atmosphere at work, and possibly at the event. I would rant about it to my partner though, because they're my partner. I wouldn't count this as a lie - just that he has a different relationship with you than he does with them.

[roz1982]

Lookingthroughthefog makes some good points.

Sounds to me like he's a bit scared you might disapprove of his actions or behaviours if he tells the truth about what he does/how he feels. Do you have a tendency to be a bit judgemental sometimes?

[Mabelface]

My husband used to do this. I got so pissed off with him that I told him if it continued, I'd be seriously looking at leaving our marriage, as if he lies over stupid little things, what else has he lied about. It really shook him up and made him realise what he was risking, just for sheer stupidity.

[BadlyShavedYeti]

We have had a major row about this, I just couldnt hold it in any longer. I only brought out about him texting his friend.

He says that he lied because he knows how I feel about his friend. I explained that it doesnt matter what I say about his friend he carrys on being mates with him so why lie? He said that after being let down he didnt talk to his friend. I told him that he sent 5 texts, were they blanks texts to show he wasnt talking to him?

He kept saying that he hasnt lied about anything else, I told him that when you find out about lies there is normally another load behind them. I didnt want to bring anything else up, especially about this girl from work as I didnt really want her dragged into it.

Loads of other stuff came out about how he doesnt talk to me, I have to make conversation with him, it is all one word answers from him. He keeps saying "But I told you that" when he bloody well hasnt, so who is he telling?

He has promised not to lie anymore but sadly I think it is another lie.

LookingThroughTheFog

He probably did tell the girl from work months ago and texted her, but why not just say to me "Oh I text her on Monday to say the space was free", but he didnt, just mumbled something about saying ages ago.

If he doesnt want to do something at work he will tell his friends that he doesnt want to do it so although there is a difference of me being his partner and saying something different to me he generally does say what he feels at work (only to his friends).

I feel that something has changed between us and I dont really trust him. I dont want to keep checking on him as that is the way to madness but knowing you are being lied to.... tricky

[roz1982]

I don't get why your checking to see if he's text his friend or not? Why are you is involved with his friendship and phone bill?

[BadlyShavedYeti]

The phone bill is mine and in my name, I was checking it as it was £50 over what it normally is and when looking at paid texts they stood out to me and when I realised the date I realised that he had been texting his friend.

I was annoyed because he said that he was going to ignore his friend - I never asked him to or demanded he hid, he said this off his own back and when I asked him a couple of days later if he was talking to his friend yet he said he hadnt spoken to him.

I think you are missing the point roz1982, it is not the act I am upset about it is the lies.

[roz1982]

Yeah maybe I am.

It just seems to me that your quite involved in parts of his life that should just be his. You seem to make it your business to know what he's doing and find out what he's lying about.

Are you worried that he's cheating on you or something?

[Lostinspace1]

From experience the only thing you can do is blow up on each and every lie and see if it makes a difference in the future. In a way the smaller the white lie the more infuriating it is. The advantage of this sort of person is that they tend to be useless liars and are easily caught out. Its all a bit pathetic.

The only thing I can think of is that he is very insecure and you are controlling in the relationship?

[JoinYourPlayfellows]

I'm with you, I couldn't stand being lied to all the time by someone who was meant to love me.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

"Loads of other stuff came out about how he doesnt talk to me...."

I'm not surprised you're worried. In the absence of information and in the knowledge that he's omitting to tell you certain things (being charitable) then there must be a feeling of distance. I'm surprised people are accusing you of being controlling... I'm not seeing that at all.

[BadlyShavedYeti]

Roz, i am not trying to find out if he is lying, I just seem to find out by chance. Normally a few days later when speaking to some one, they say X when DP has said Y, I just think "hang on, thats not what he told me" The thing with his friend was weeks ago and I have only just found out about it.

I dont actively seek anything out, the girl with the parking space for example, I was having a drink in the canteen and she came over and spoke to me and told me about DP texting her. i didnt seek her out and demand she tell me, she was just making conversation with me.

I am not controlling in the relationship, it is very much 50/50, thats why I dont understand the lies, its not like I would have gone nuts about him texting a friend to say park in the space.

[Lostinspace1]

Calm down Cognito, I was making a suggestion, hence the ?

[roz1982]

It's a weird situation then.... Have you ever just full on asked him, "why do you tell these stupid little lies all the time" if so, how does he respond? How does eh view/ explain his behaviour?

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

I'm always calm

[BadlyShavedYeti]

He basically said he lied about his friend as he knows how I feel about him. He has known how I feel about his friend for the past 2 years but he is still mates with him.

I really dont know why he lies, easy life? cant be arsed to explain? I just dont know. I do know that he wouldnt be happy if he caught me telling him lies.

I did very patiently explain to him that the lies are worse than the deed, rather than just saying "Yeah I text him that night" and me saying "So much for ignoring him", it has developed into a row. He has promised not to lie again, but we shall see.