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Just venting - this is not ok is it? - my dad hanging out with exh after separation.

9 replies

unidentifiedflyingobject · 04/10/2013 14:30

They've always got on really well. I don't have an issue with them maintaining a relationship - in fact I think (if it were balanced) it would be a good thing. Exh has dd's three nights a week. In the six months since we separated my dad has stayed over with exh and our dds, but not with me, visited them all there and done activities with dd's and exh, then visited me separately, often without dd's barring one occasion, and basically blatantly been more bothered about exh than me. My dad's wife basically doesn't visit or speak to me anymore and we previously had a very good relationship. I have said how I feel and he has come up with an array of practical reasons for the way he has behaved. He has claimed that he wants it to be 'fair' i.e. he has tried to offer exactly the same in terms of visits, time etc to me and exh, and that basically because I've been working a lot and didn't let him know when I was around quickly enough (how very deviant of me to a) be working and b)not respond to his scheduling query quickly enough!!) he has had no option but to visit dd's at exh's. My issue is that, well, I'm his flipping daughter! I'm not asking for anyone to solve this for me, I'm just feeling very frustrated and upset that I've had to spell this out to him. The separation was my decision. I was very unhappy in a lot of ways. Exh has djusted very well, as have our dd's, and we are on very good terms. The only person who hasn't adjusted is my dad. I have explained this to my dad and I have explained that I've felt strongly that he is angry with me for making that decision and it is affecting the way he is organising things when he visits (he lives a long way away and visits us and other family about every 6-8 weeks or so). He has said he feels a strong sympathy with exh (he feels he was 'left' and that I 'left' exh) and hasn't hidden that, but that I'm 'inaccurate' in my recollections of how much time he's spending with us, that it's been 'fair' and has said I'm saying he 'shouldn't like him anymore' which I've never said. I've said it is hurting my feelings and that he has made me feel excluded on a number of occasions. I just find it very difficult and I'm not sure what to do about it. I'm not going to tell them not to spend time together, but I find it all very strange. It is weird isn't it?

I think I might just be after a bit of sympathy.

OP posts:

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CogitoErgoSometimes · 04/10/2013 14:56

Usually blood is thicker than water. Family sticks together and, out of consideration for the family member, doesn't cosy up to the ex. Clearly from what he's said, your DF blames you for the break-up (or doesn't think your reasons for leaving are valid) and all his sympathies are with your exH. That's pretty disrespectful and of course you can ask your DF to stop being best buds with his exSIL

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MoominMammasHandbag · 04/10/2013 15:02

You say your Dad's wife is not your Mum. Is it possible that your Dad identifies with DH as a man who has been left because he has similar experience?

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Pawprint · 04/10/2013 15:03

I think it's a bit inappropriate of your dad to be mates with your ex, given how the situation. It sounds rather like he is in denial about the fact that the relationship is over.

However, I don't know what you can do that you haven't already done, except to try and rise above it.

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unidentifiedflyingobject · 04/10/2013 15:32

Well yes Moomin - he thinks his breakup with my mum was 'done to him' and immediately that I told him we were separating it dragged all that out of him... He takes no responsibility for their breakup (15 years ago) and is still incredibly angry about it. I said to him that this is not the same situation so whilst I appreciate that his past will influence his feelings, he's over identifying. He just went on a rant about my mum which I curtailed.

The thing is that I feel if I 'opt-in' to his planning processes I'm being complicit in it. The truth is that I'm so upset with him I don't want to see him but if I don't, I confirm his view if me as the problem and justify his alliance with exh. Exh doesn't take a view on anything difficult so is acting like its nothing to do with him

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MoominMammasHandbag · 04/10/2013 16:13

Yep OP you are obviously a bad 'un like your Mum. I feel really sorry for you. All you can do is give it time I suppose. You have probably stirred up some bad old feelings for him. Hopefully when the dust has settled he will realise he is being a twat. Hang on in there.

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momb · 04/10/2013 16:25

I think that your Dad is trying to make sure he sees your children and it has turned out that, because of your other commitments, this has been when they are with their dad (your ex). I really don't see this as necessarily malicious, at least not consciously.
We can't expect our parents to accept our partners into their family and then cast them out again if we are no longer together, especially where there are children in common.

I keep my exILs in the loop with all that goes on with my kids and they visit often. In fact they see us more than they do their son (my ex). I don't think that it's choosing sides. It's just that we are around more whereas he is out and about a lot.
My exFIL has become good friends with my new partner and they go to watch sports together. It hadn't occured to me that exH might be jealous of that. We are all adults and can be friends with more than one person. It's not as if us seeing the exILs makes them care less for thier own son.

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JustinBsMum · 04/10/2013 16:28

Moomin has it right imo. You will have to give it time, but things will change, you might find new partner, or Dex will meet someone, I doubt she will want an exFIL around.

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VodkaJelly · 04/10/2013 16:38

I feel your pain. My parents still love my ExH. He lives in the same town as them and they used to see him regularly. Popping into his place of work once a week to see him (he works in a public place), go round his house to drop of vegetables (allotment) and pretty much know everything that is going on in his life.

They have sided with him over me many times. I went to the CSA and my dad tried to talk me out of it, this was about him providing for his children. ExH has basically been a shit dad to our kids - very out of sight out of mind but they have always always always excused his behaviour - he works long hours (even though I work full time also), he is just so busy...... always excuse after excuse. But my ExH would be on the phone to me moaning about my parents, they are too interfering, my dad loves to give advice and so on.

My poor DP feels sidelined by their apparent love for my ExH and doesnt have a close relationship with them.

They have now moved to my town so we will see what happens. Although when my ExH was dropping DS2 back home he popped round to see them in their new house and my EXH, his wife and their daughter were given the guided tour.

Yes, very amicable but it really boils my piss.

But the best bit is that we have been divorced for nearly 15 years!

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unidentifiedflyingobject · 04/10/2013 18:37

Vodka - 15 years!!! God, I wonder what it is about people that results in these oddly balanced relationships...

Yes Moomin, I am very bad and I've made him feel shit and if he's honest with himself, he probably doesn't want to see me because he's in turmoil about it. But he knows that explicitly saying so would really make him a twat, so he can't. I feel bad that I had a go at him, in fact I don't think I've ever had a go at him or challenged him on anything before, so it was quite significant. But at least I've said what I feel and lets see what happens. I will give it time but I am pretty disappointed with his response to the whole thing.

Momb - I would never expect him to cast exh out, ever, and I'm not jealous of their relationship. Also I don't think it is malicious, but I do think it is very insensitive and quite strange. It's the exclusion and disapproval of me that I find unfair, and I am around, that's the thing. I'm not unavailable. My work is being used as an excuse... Exh works a lot more than me...

Thanks anyway guys it is good to know that essentially I am not being completely absurd.