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Need some serious advice

(58 Posts)
asianguy123 Fri 27-Sep-13 08:09:25

Ok...So first of all I am Asian and our values are different than the western way (in no way superior or inferior).

I am 24 and never had a gf (Not due to lack of opportunities). I have known a girl from a year or so who's been in 1 relationship for 2 years. After the relationship broke off,she has had casual intimacy(everything except sex) with a very good friend of hers. She tells me she is a virgin and has not gone too far even when both the guys pressurized her and she is completely honest with me.(This is something I really respect). I am also a virgin so no double standards here.

Here are the problems :

1) She got used by her first bf who lured her into marrying her when he just wanted to have it with her. She still has some feelings for her. Do women really get over their first love/first kiss and stuff ? She still remembers poems and stuff he used to write for her which I find pretty immature.

2) I really have a problem with the second guy. The fact that she had some intimate time with him when she knew they don't have a future eats me up. How can she be so casual. She tells that he initiated every time which I don't believe completely. This second guy also made all their stuff public.

3) She is completely honest and transparent with me and regrets everything. But,when we were in our initial phase of our relationship,she felt she had done nothing wrong. It's just when I made her realise some things,she felt she had committed some mistakes. She did have a lot of growing up to do but I cant just forgive her for being immature. I know what she's done before has nothing to do with me,but she is very much emotionally attached to the second guy who was kind of a rebound guy for her. She also once told she remembers all the good time she has spent with this second guy which means this second guy really rocked her life for a year or so.

4) I have heard the capacity to emotionally bond decreases as the number of partners increases. Will she ever be emotionally attached to me and get over all the physical and emotional stuff ? I have all the confidence in the world to rock her world but after every few weeks,I break down as all the mental pictures eat me up.

I don't want to let go off this otherwise wonderful relationship and an honest girl for my own dogmas of life. I know she is kind hearted and brave enough to tell me everything honestly.

KouignAmann Fri 27-Sep-13 09:29:55

If she was posting about you we would tell her to run away fast.

You sound like you think women are property and second hand ones are inferior. She is not a car!

This is a time of equality between the sexes and not a time for a man to shape a woman's moral values. She can shape her own very well.

You obviously mean well but a modern educated independent woman is not going to put up with your attitude. Either you need to change or you need to find someone who shares your traditional views. God help her!

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 27-Sep-13 09:30:38

"The other day I spoke about breaking it off as I was really angry and she was like she is ready to do anything for me"

I feel very sorry for this woman indeed. Your 'moral standards' sound oppressive, unreasonable, judgemental and derived not from your background or culture but purely from your own insecurity and narrow-mindedness. Her past relationships are none of your business and yes, you have a LOT of growing up to do. Currently you are manipulating a woman in an emotionally abusive way, and that is totally unacceptable.

AnyFucker Fri 27-Sep-13 09:33:03

If this is a real bloke, I don't think he means well at all. I think he means significant harm.

Ezio Fri 27-Sep-13 09:34:29

Seriously, do her a massive favour and walk away.

Let her find someone who will love her for who she is and will grow to be, not insignificant stuff shes done in the past.

Seriously grow up or your never gonna find happiness.

MorrisZapp Fri 27-Sep-13 09:35:39

I wouldn't imagine real blokes with no kids turn to MN to vent their bizarre and almost made up sounding problems.

Ezio Fri 27-Sep-13 09:36:28

Its like the paedophile friend story all over again.

Sparklysilversequins Fri 27-Sep-13 09:38:23

I don't think it's real at all, it's another boring Lets Get MNetters Riled Up thread and maybe if we throw in a cultural element, we can get them to start throwing racist insults about too.

waltermittymissus Fri 27-Sep-13 09:38:52

You're weird and scary and that has absolutely nothing to do with being Asian so why you felt the need to bring that up is beyond me.

Being Asian is not a catch-all for abuse and you are already being EA.

If this is for real, then grow up and get over yourself.

It's not your job or your business to teach her morals or help her mature or whatever the fuck else it is that's going on here.

Leave her alone. You're unhealthy.

Lweji Fri 27-Sep-13 09:42:41

Why did you get angry at her?

I have built moral standards in her shock hmm confused angry

You have forced your moral standards upon her.

Please leave the poor woman alone.

TheVermiciousKnid Fri 27-Sep-13 09:45:01

There was a very, very similar post a while ago (not the peadophile friend one). Either it's the same bloke hoping to get different responses this time or ...

EhricLovesTeamQhuay Fri 27-Sep-13 09:45:19

You sound awful. Being Asian has nothing to do with anything. If you want a woman who has no sexual experience then good luck find one, but leave this poor woman alone as you are obviously going to use her previous choices as a stick to beat her with indefinitely.

You sound like you have shamed and belittled her into feeling like she has done wrong although she didn't feel that before she met you, and yet you still can't forgive her for past behaviour before she met you. That is so, so wrong. It is setting you up for an unequal relationship where you bully and abuse her and she does anything to placate you. That kind of relationship is wrong in any culture.

Please let her go before you cause any more damage.

MissStrawberry Fri 27-Sep-13 09:45:27

You sound immature.

When you have really loved someone it can be incredibly difficult, if not impossible, to not have feelings for them and of course she will have memories she can't or doesn't want to forget. Why should she? Do you not have memories if things you have done in the past?

Your OP reads that you think she is not pure enough for you now, you aren't even dating and you are already finding fault with her and being critical about her so I think you need to leave her alone.

She felt she had done nothing wrong because she hadn't and then you bullied her into changing how she felt. Nice hmm.

Why does she have to be brave to tell you things? Is it because she knows she is taking a risk with you as she knows you will kick off?

She is "ready to struggle to be with you"? Bloody hell. This is not a good relationship, this is not nice at all. You are controlling her and you need to leave her the fuck alone.

camaleon Fri 27-Sep-13 10:11:50

I would be interested to know what kind of moral standards you have built in her.

I am married to an Asian man who has never shown any problems with my past (and I tell you, I was nothing close to inexperienced with men)

You sound very controlling and I think you should do a serious work on yourself before considering any long-term relationship. Perhaps a bit of experience on your side?

Leverette Fri 27-Sep-13 10:21:45

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

scallopsrgreat Fri 27-Sep-13 10:23:16

You are sounding like a misogynist and an abuser. And a 'culture' that involves holding women at a different standard to men, involves forcing 'moral' values on women by men and shaming women because of their past should be eradicated. HTH

Dahlen Fri 27-Sep-13 10:29:22

Can you explain what is morally wrong about having physical intimacy with people prior to marriage? What is inherently bad about such behaviour? Does it make someone more likely to abuse small children or mug an old lady?

If the explanation is based in religion, I think you either need to think harder about what your religion means to you and which bits you adhere to, since everyone of whatever faith does that. No one follows all religious dogma 100%. Or you need to find someone whose religious interpretation and life-behaviour is more in line with your own.

Personally, I'd far rather have a partner with a loving, kind personality who has had multiple partners than a virgin with a judgmental attitude. You should consider the fact that she is as wonderful as she is precisely because of her past experiences and her way of forming relationships. As a result of those she has learned about human frailty, the value of tolerance, her own self-worth, and experienced a window into the world of adult relationships that you, quite frankly, are lacking.

queenbitchapparently Fri 27-Sep-13 16:35:33

I don't really understand who you are to be making moral judgements for her.
There is a lot of culture superstitions coming out in your op and really they have no place in a loving relationship.
You can't forgive her for things she did begore she met you.
That sounds like you are extremely possessive snd jealous.
Neither are attractive qualities.
You do not own her or her body and she has done nothing wrong for you to forgive.
Tell her to come post on here about you and we can all tell her to run a mile away from you and your judgment.

Fairenuff Fri 27-Sep-13 17:09:44

It seems to me that her morals are better than yours.

You are trying to control and shame her. You are bullying her.

You got angry at her? And what gives you the right to do that then?

You have no right to mistreat this woman, she has done nothing wrong.

Where is your human decency?

JamieandtheMagicTorch Fri 27-Sep-13 17:27:31

I have to agree that if she were here posting about you, using the words you have used, I would be very worried about her

JamieandtheMagicTorch Fri 27-Sep-13 17:28:54

You sound extremely insecure and it is this you need to think about, instead of punishing other people for it.

JamieandtheMagicTorch Fri 27-Sep-13 17:33:39


Can you read this stuff without getting angry with us?

Xales Fri 27-Sep-13 17:34:39

She was a single woman doing what she wanted. Absolutely nothing wrong with what she did.

There is nothing wrong with remember the good times with a past partner.

her past is her past it is nothing to do with you.

You have no right to impose any moral standards on her or decide hers are wrong. It is not your right to forgive her anything.

Either get over it or break up with her. Either way stop treating her like she has done something wrong.

IneedAsockamnesty Fri 27-Sep-13 19:12:31

Sounds very much like the sort of conversation I have with abusers at my DV perp program.

You need some support to stop acting in a abusive controlling way.

She has not had sex she is pure stop trying to make her feel like she is not.

GuybrushThreepwoodMP Fri 27-Sep-13 20:46:17

You talk about cultural differences but frankly your post just reeks of prejudice.
Grow up. You're not superior to her and you're not as perfect as you think you are. She deserves more than someone who feels he has to 'lower' himself to her level.

GuybrushThreepwoodMP Fri 27-Sep-13 20:50:41

And by the way you sound absolutely horrible. I sincerely hope you are not as awful as you appear in your post or this girl needs to get away from you. Fast.

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