Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

New relationship?

(34 Posts)
Dearjackie Thu 26-Sep-13 00:20:48

Some of you will recognise me as I've posted several times in the past about an ex and the EA relationship. That broke up only 2 mths ago and I was initially in shock crying a lot however I quickly got to finally feel free and relaxed ( lots of you said that would happen)

I have been seeing lots of my friends and been on a couple of dates just to get out and also have a bit of male company. Tonight I met someone and it was the weirdest thing. I instantly felt close to him and he appeared to feel the same. We talked so easily for hours and I usually feel awkward with people I don't know. He wants to see me again and has asked if I consider him living a few miles away would be a barrier to a relationship (its only 15 miles) The problem is im a it obsessed with looking for red flags. I keep thinking I shouldn't be doing this as its too soon and everyone's advice has been to spend time on my own.

It just feels right somehow though and even though he mentioned relationship he's very polite and careful to say its all up to me and I don't feel rushed or under any pressure even though it is quick to be embarking on another relationship iyswim.

What I'm trying to say is why I am worried it might be the wrong thing to do even though it feels right at the moment?

Dearjackie Mon 30-Sep-13 14:15:31

I think that I will always look for behaviour that is opposite to ex's and view it as a good thing, how can it be otherwise when you've been through something like that?

I do know however that it does not necessarily make you compatible with that person. I really don't feel raw, bizarre I know but I feel free, I feel like me again.

I am just happy to see this guy, it may or may not become something and if he makes me happy then good but if not well I won't be sticking around this time. If I stop seeing him now when I feel good and am enjoying myself well who knows I just might have let something good slip by. Also as I said I don't actually mind being alone either. I don't feel I have to have someone. The only person who gets to be with me now is someone who makes me feel fantastic!

joblot Mon 30-Sep-13 12:59:04

From experience I'd say you need to be really wary of moving into another relationship so quickly and also looking for opposites to recent ex's behaviour. It's very seductive to think oo new person doesn't do what old ex did, but it's not a good guide to compatibility. From what you've written you sound unready for a relationship, it's too soon, you're too raw. Good luck with things though, I know how hard it is and how attractive new love interest is

Jux Mon 30-Sep-13 12:41:30


Dearjackie Mon 30-Sep-13 11:41:49

Just an update. I've had a very happy week. In fact I now realise how downright UNhappy I was in my previous relationship and how horrible he was to me. It's been over 2 months now since we split andi would NEVER go back. Even if I had to live alone forever I am happy with that. I've actually had a ball and want to thank everyone on here who has helped me through all the threads I've written when I was in despair at times

I am having a second date tonight and we have spoken a few times on the phone since we saw eachother last week. Thankfully he doesn't appear to be obsessed with technology like EA ex. Not constantly texting me ect and he has an old rubbish phone like me, don't ask me why that matters to me it just does. I think due to all the angst and secrecy surrounding ex's phone. Oh I know people can be up to something phone or not, old or not, but I just feel happier. I probably sound mad but waiting to see if someone is trustworthy and worthy of your time is quite a process. I'm not in a rush but at the moment I'm content

WeleaseWodger Sat 28-Sep-13 09:49:34

I don't know the background story but it doesn't sound nice. With write you're intuitive but in your posts you don't sound like you are at all. I don't think there's anything wrong with someone asking if you're looking to casually date, want a serious relationship, and is distance a problem if you really were talking for hours (that's like a couple of dates back to back).

But it doesn't sound like you're in the same place in life. He's looking for a serious relationship now, you need to casually date for a while. Happens all the time and you will meet mismatched aims a lot when dating. Just focus on what you need and want.

nkf Sat 28-Sep-13 07:49:49

It was one date right? One date. You had a nice time. You liked him. He said things that excited you. It's what he does and how he behaves that matters. See him again, take his words for what they are - words - and see how he behaves. Good luck.

Dearjackie Sat 28-Sep-13 07:45:49

Tbh I don't think I could ever suppress my feelings I'm quite intuitive. But I'm aware I do dwell on things too much and think I need to enjoy more whilst still being alert

CogitoErgoSometimes Sat 28-Sep-13 07:36:03

With respect, that's not my point. You need to be alert to your suspicions on one level ... they are your 'early warning system' and it would be unwise to divert yourself or suppress your feelings. However, if your suspicions are so acute that they are spoiling the experience of dating, step out and give yourself a lot more time to build your confidence before stepping back in.

Dearjackie Sat 28-Sep-13 07:28:05

Thank you cog you are right. I'm certainly not going to make him my only social outlet. I am doing lots of other things. I should be enjoying this and am in many ways its just the over analysing that I always do and always have done. I will have to practice diversion techniques when I start doing it.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sat 28-Sep-13 07:18:11

Caution is good but what you're describing is a level of suspicion that is getting in the way of you enjoying what should be a light-hearted, fun, dating experience. If you really suspect his motives then stop seeing him.... that's the hardest part for someone just out of an EA relationship to learn. You are entitled to reject someone. You do not have to stick it out for fear of hurting their feelings. You do not have to please others. You can trust your judgement.

Yes, you can become a self-assured & more positive person but it begins by valuing yourself and gradually increasing your confidence. Set yourself small goals and, as you achieve those goals, you will being to believe in yourself.

Dearjackie Sat 28-Sep-13 07:10:53

I think it may be part of my character to be unsure of my own judgement as I'm like it in all wlks of life. Can you become a self assured person if its not really your nature? Doesn't everyone question people's motives and character when you first start seeing someone?

It sounds bad but I've always been an err on the side of caution and looking a biton the negative until proven otherwise

CogitoErgoSometimes Sat 28-Sep-13 07:04:02

You are only 2 months out of a nasty relationship experience and already you feel uncomfortable and are questioning this person's motives. You have to listen to what that's telling you about yourself. Your confidence is low, you are finding it difficult to trust and, I'm sorry, but that means you are not ready for a relationship yet. He sounds like a very nice man but it's unfair to subject him to this level of suspicion. Find your feet, be sociable, work on trusting your judgement and rebuilding your self-esteem. Then you can engage in a new relationship more confidently.

Dearjackie Sat 28-Sep-13 06:52:35

I am starting to over analyse everything ( that's always been a problem for me) things like why doesn't he txt me ( the ex was ALWAYS texting right till the end) he still seems keen to meet on Monday night and take me for a meal

I feel so out of practice and have never done online dating before. I know how to stay safe ect, but how do you know if their just out for a quick shag? Is it the done thing to see other people as well? I just don't know what to think. Is it ok to sleep with them early on ?

I realise that actually the only way to know is to go slowly and discover these things but I'm so inpatient. I find it difficult to take someone at face value after my previous relationship. For instance this guy is saying he will drive to my town to take me out Monday and we could meet somewhere as I might want to know him better before saying where I live. But he's mentioned where I live a few times without directly asking me for instance he said is the place I'm getting a new job at near my home, then added you don't have to tell me where you live. It's like he wants me to say but without asking directly

Now this may just be innocent but I always see an ulterior motive and I hate being like that. Sorry I know there lots of questions in this post

Dearjackie Thu 26-Sep-13 11:19:54

Yes I have emailed the local group but they haven't got back to me yet smile

Jux Thu 26-Sep-13 11:01:15

Have you thought about the Freedom Programme? It will reset your boundaries, and sharpen your radar.

Dearjackie Thu 26-Sep-13 08:59:27

Thank you cog have read that article. Ex showed all of those, none apparent last night in new date but will be alert for them. He just came across as quite shy nervous respectful but nice. So I will see

akaWisey Thu 26-Sep-13 08:50:03

I'd say if you're anxious about spotting bad behaviour this early then you're not ready. I'd say the risk is you might over-value the 'good bit's' and neglect the signs which indicate he may just not be for you - not because he's EA or anything but because you may not be emotionally available yourself yet.

If he's genuine he'd accept that and give you time and space. What you want now may be very different from what you want 6 months or a year from now.

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 26-Sep-13 08:40:40

I'm going to recommend you read this article. Not because I think this man is abusive but simply to recalibrate your definition of 'bad' behaviour. The article is very perceptive, I think, and points out some fairl superficial things that you may not immediately identify as bad behaviour. Hope it never becomes relevant smile

Dearjackie Thu 26-Sep-13 08:08:31

hawk no he definately hasn't he only lives 15 mins away and he tells me he owns his own flat. If he were even to MENTION moving I would run as he'd be a madman

cog I just feel I'd like to give him a chance and see how it pans out if I see him again. It's true that anything seems nice after the EA relationship, but on the other hand I'm also much more aware of what to avoid and signs to look for, for example he's not bombarding me ( as yet anyway) with calls and texts, just asked me to text him I was home safe and to say he'd had a good night and looking forward to Monday . I'm on the lookout for " bad " behaviour

Hawkmoth Thu 26-Sep-13 06:36:33

He mentioned moving to your town?

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 26-Sep-13 06:17:47

"Plus this time I will listen to my gut feelings if anything feels wrong."

The trouble is that, exiting a bad relationship, you will have a poor perception of what 'wrong' is for a while. You haven't had long enough to 'feel right' if you can understand that. He seems like a nice man I'll grant you, but your confidence is low, you're hungry for affection and - with respect - anyone's going to seem kind after the experience you've just had.

Tread very carefully therefore, enjoy dating but keep a bit of yourself back. Rebuild your social life with other friends, have things you do just for yourself and develop your independence. Good luck

beaglesaresweet Thu 26-Sep-13 01:16:29

good luck though, whether it's with him or not.

beaglesaresweet Thu 26-Sep-13 01:15:20

just out of relationship

beaglesaresweet Thu 26-Sep-13 01:14:32

well, it does depend on his age and experience too. Maybe he is just awkward but nice. Give it a try just try not to fantasise about future - cautiosness is healthy after a bad r-ship. You really didn't have time to recover yet, so it's good that you aer cautious. As others said, it would be better to be on your own for a bit, but as you've already met someone you like - tell him that you aer out of r-ship and can date bt not jump int relationships. See if he's happy with that.

Dearjackie Thu 26-Sep-13 01:09:34

beagle yes that's what I intend. Plus this time I will listen to my gut feelings if anything feels wrong. I guess I'm just worried that previous experience has made me over cautious and I don't want it to taint everything in the future

I get the feeling he was treading on eggshells a bit because he was nervous, seemed keen on me and didn't want to appear to be pushy

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now