How do I stop feeling like this?

[ElleMcFearsome]

Disclaimer: I know this is minor in comparison to what a lot of people on this board are going through, but it's really wrecking my head.

DH and I have been married for 2.5 years. I have 2 DDs from a previous marriage who are 15 and 17. This time last year their DF was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer and died in May this year. This was a terrible time for my daughters, and I poured everything I had into supporting them. My DH was wonderful. He was calm, supportive of all of us and he just got it right, you know? He was there for the girls but not in a pushy, 'it's ok because you have me' way - he respected their feelings and what they were going through. he took time off work right at the end, drove us all to see him every day for the last two weeks (2 hrs each way, plus visiting time) He looked after me when my heart was breaking for my daughters and was strong for me when all my strength had gone.

My DDs are slowly beginning to move forward - eldest doing A Levels, youngest in her GCSE year. They're much more together now, even though there are still times when they're in pieces. So things are beginning to go back to normal. Why then do I not want him near me? I honestly can't remember the last time we had sex (months ago), we're still affectionate (I make myself hug him) but I just want to be left alone. He's completely respectful of this, has never once pushed me, pressured me or anything. Basically he's a textbook husband, works hard, supports me (I'm starting my final year of a degree), pulls his weight with chores, is lovely with my DDs. We have so much in common, shared values, all the things you need to make a marriage good and healthy.

WTAF is wrong with me? I'm so scared that eventually he'll get sick of me being this way, that his patience will run out, or even that by the time I stop feeling this way, it'll be too late and the chasm will be too big to get over. I'm just scared and upset and I want to stop feeling like this but I don't know how.

[Dahlen]

I"m sorry you're going through such a tough time.

Have you thought about getting some bereavement counselling for yourself? It may help to get to the bottom of what is going on. Just because you and your XH divorced, doesn't mean his death couldn't have had a profound effect on you, as well as your DDs.

I'm not a psychologist, but I'd have thought fear of being hurt is at the root of all this. You're pushing your DH away because right now your battered emotions cannot cope with the thought of anyone else needing you or leaving you.

One thing you could try if circumstances allow, is a week or two away from all three of them. It will give you space to think and examine your emotions and to see if despite it all you actually miss your DH when you're away.

Hope you feel better soon.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

This is just my take but I think a good physical relationship has a big mental element to it. You have to focus... concentrate your emotions... and above all, be able to relax. I know personally if I'm distracted or upset or stressed in some way, or if something is interrupting my thoughts, I can't achieve that relaxation and therefore sex is the last thing I want. Perhaps the trauma of the last year plus taking your degree means you have too much going on in your mind to let you relax? Testing my theory further... can you concentrate long enough to read a book for pleasure or watch a movie or do you find you start thinking about other things?

I think it's good that you're still affectionate with each other. That's really worth perservering with because everyone needs to feel loved, even if sex goes on the back burner.

[ElleMcFearsome]

Dahlen - I think it's the 'someone else needing me' element. I just feel... overstretched. You know what happens to an elastic band if you keep stretching it and it just stops springing back and goes all floppy? That's how I feel. My kids come first. There's no wiggle room there and they have needed so much of me, and I've willingly given it to them.

15 yo DD really struggled throughout her DF being ill, self harm, suicidal ideation, attempted suicide, you name it, we dealt with it. Finally she's medicated, under the supervision of a wonderful psychiatrist and seeing an excellent therapist, but I still can't shift my head into 'I don't have to worry about her every moment of the day' mode. My eldest DD deals with everything by internalising it, she clams shut, so I try to prise her open occasionally, and encourage her to let a bit of the pressure out. She doesn't want to talk to anyone about it (we've offered counselling as well as our own ears, so to speak) and I worry that one day it's all going to get too much and she'll explode.

By the time it's bed time, I just want to lie down, clear my head and sleep! I'm thankful that I got through another day and I can't bear DH wanting physical or emotional gratification from me.

Cogito - nail ---> head with the concentration thing. Used to read 2 books a week, can't even concentrate on a paragraph now. Study is going to shit for the exact same reason. Mt October exam is looming - every time I pick up my notes to revise it feels like I'm trying to comprehend arabic or greek.

I am trying to be affectionate - force of will and all that, but I think he knows it's a bit through gritted teeth. I've tried explaining how I feel, and, natch, he's wonderful. Says the last year has taken it out of me, what matters is that we love each other, everything else will come back with time. Seriously, how lucky am I? He's great, it's me that just isn't getting with the programme. I want a switch that I can flick, so I go back to how I used to feel.

Ugh, sorry this is so long. It's such a relief to be able to say all these things without trying to be tactful.

[stowsettler]

Gosh, what a terrible time you've had. It's no wonder you're feeling like that. I'd agree that bereavement counselling could be what you need, and I also like the idea of you getting a bit of time to yourself.

FWIW, I was exactly like your elder DD when my DM died. I was a little bit older, but character-wise I'm exactly the same. I internalise everything and my dad was far more worried about me when Mum died, rather than my sister who was very emotional. I didn't explode. It's just my way of dealing with it - hopefully your DD will cope the same way.

I hope you find a way through it - do you think it's worth talking to your DH about it? I also wonder whether you're 'disengaging' because you don't want to be this hurt again if, God forbid, anything should happen to him.

[Dahlen]

I think you should listen to your DH. MAy was only 4 months ago. It's only natural that you're all still going through the fallout. Your DH sounds quite wise.

It's great that you want to protect your marriage and consider your DH's feelings, but you need to look to your own needs first, so how about a little mental trick to take the pressure off yourself? Set yourself a 3-month target where you will revisit this concern. Until then, allow yourself to support your DDs, take time to find your own balance, and quit worrying about DH. Tell him that's what you intend to do. I think you'll find him very supportive and it will give you some much-needed breathing space. To keep the connection, you could agree to schedule in some fun days out, where you're not expected to be overly affectionate or have deep and meaningul talks, but just do something interesting together/have fun (IOW so that you don't feel suffocated by him being there because you're just enjoying the activity).

[HotDAMNlifeisgood]

I think you both sound wonderful: he's aware of what you and your DDs need and is giving it to the three of you, and you are aware of his efforts and of what you are temporarily unable to give him, because you are also a kind and caring person.

Don't beat yourself up; you have so much on your plate. You are coping. And that's great.

In time things will be less stressful: DDs more settled, exams past, and then you will probably find that you are more able to let him in. It's ok if you can't for now. He's even telling you as much! Believe him. Just keep the lines of communication open hugs, talking in the meantime.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

Is there any way you could talk to your tutors, explain about the bereavement and postpone your finals for a year? The 'elastic band' you describe is burn-out, basically... stress. You're trying to cope with too many things at once and there's added stress knowing that you're not doing anything justice. I think something has to give. You can't ditch your DDs, your relationship is hanging in there and I see your further education - although important - as the swing capacity.

[ElleMcFearsome]

Ohh, I'm in tears here. Thank you all so much. I was writing my posts thinking to myself 'even though this is Relationships and not AIBU other bits of Mumsnet, I'm going to be handed a grip because I'm whining about my DH being great when other women are going through really terrible, horrendous stuff' and no-one has, and more to the point, you all seem to get it. I just don't know what to say other than which doesn't seem like nearly enough.

Giving it three months is so sensible! I'm so target orientated that part of what is making this so difficult is the neverendingness of how it feels. Actually having a mental date to re-visit makes so much sense.

Re finals. It's a bit more complicated than that. I'm studying via the OU so have my final two third year modules starting in two weeks (which have been paid for in full.) My exam for the module I've just finished is at the beginning of October. I asked about deferring it, but the 'rules' state that I'd have to provide proof of bereavement (i.e. his death certificate) and I can't imagine asking his widow, with everything that she's having to deal with, for a copy of it. Even then, the 'window' for being allowed to defer is a matter of weeks - May would be too historic. It's frustrating but I've accepted it - no point in stressing about things that I really can't change!

I could, in theory, walk on my two final modules and do them at a later date but I've flogged myself to get this far - I'm v lucky as DH's income has just about been enough so I've studied fulltime and haven't worked - the point of doing a degree was to get better job prospects (which the recession has shat all over but that's another whinge!) so whilst I can think, right now of nothing I want to do more, it would kind of invalidate the last three years of having no disposable income to play with!

I'd sometimes love to just have a week or so away from everything, but there's no way I'd be able to do that, the DDs still need me here and the thought of being away from them if they needed me is making me want to keel over! DH and I had a few days away at the end of the summer camping, but I did worry about the girls (even though my DM was with them) and I felt like it upped the pressure on me to reconnect with my DH. The suggestion of trying to plan low key things to do together is a good one! We keep talking about section walking the South Downs way - maybe we should try and get out for a few hours every weekend and make a start on that rather than just yapping about it!

Just... thank you all for reading. You're really helping me straighten out my thoughts.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

I mean this kindly but you have to put yourself and your wellbeing first now. Not DH, not your ex's widow, not even the DCs, not the OU but yourself. This is where DH can help you actually. He can ask your ex's widow for that death certificate for example. He can make the case to the OU for a postponement. He can talk to your DDs about how mum needs to rest and that they have to look after you rather than always expecting you to look after them. One definition of 'support' is to redistribute weight... and whilst he sounds like a lovely man and he clearly is very patient, I think he has to engage, be more proactive, and start taking some of these big weights off your shoulders in a more practical sense.