Tempted

[gonemaverick]

Not pretty, not viable, but very real. Name changed to hide what a heel I am.

I was always very judgy of cheaters but I have developed this last few weeks this wicked moral fluidity that has me thinking about a girl at work in less than platonic ways. Fuck fuck fuck.

Has anyone else been in this situation? The sensible thing is to turn this off and turn away. Have perfectly normal people ever felt this way and caused no damage to the foundations of their life?

[Farahilda]

Yes, loads.

You need to stop and think about what would happen if you acted on the crush. The destruction of your marriage and family and what it really means, the pain and bewilderment in your DCs eyes, the disappointment in your parents voices, the effect on your own psyche when you let lies and betrayal into your life.

This is a wake up call to turn your attention to your marriage.

Or if you truly believe it is dead, to end it cleanly before involving yourself with a third party.

Crushes fade. An imaginary woman (for you are fantasising about this one, and that may bear no resemblance at all to the real person) may be great for a daydream but is no basis for a cataclysmic change to your life.

[FetchezLaVache]

Yes, I have. Once I realised I was in danger of sleepwalking into an EA, I just stayed the fuck away from the object of my affections (easier for me than it is for you, given that you work together). DH and I have since split up and I still have feelings for this bloke, but have continued to stay away for a variety of reasons. So yes, it's hard, but I think what I'm trying to say is that whatever problems you're having with your DP and your feelings for this woman are separate issues and should be tackled separately, and in that order.

[Charbon]

Crushes don't just occur when people are having difficulties in their relationships, but unfortunately the default when they happen is to assume there must be latent dissatisfaction or worse, invent it to justify the crush.

The above mindset unfortunately assails moralistic individuals more than those who are more pragmatic. The safest and healthiest approach to a crush is to regard them as normal, recognise the danger and your own personal triggers and take steps to avoid it escalating.

Sometimes they occur because there is a genuine attraction and connection with a individual and sometimes they happen because we're looking for escapism from bits of life that are currently tough; not necessarily our relationships either. In the latter case, the identity and personal qualities of the new object of our affections are irrelevant. That person is just 'there' at the wrong time and appears to like us, but he/she could be anybody, within reason.

[gonemaverick]

Ah thanks - I appreciate your replies very much and feel much more grounded.
I think I have turned a bit of a corner. I thought about C over the weekend & Monday the way a schoolgirl would, crush in full swing blithely ignoring all reason and good sense. She was back at work today and within the first five minutes of us starting a task that required us to work together we hard this weird misunderstanding where she thought I had said something really rude (I genuinely hadn't - it was something completely random like I actually said "Can you hand me that spreadsheet" and she heard "Can you handle my clunge please") I apologised for the confusion and clarified what I had said and it was all happy days but for me the resulting big cold dose of awkward was the wake up call I had to get.
Seems silly but it made me lift my game for the rest of the day and is no more silly than me losing my head in the first place over this lovcely but clearly not for me girl.

Thanks again xxx

[Ilovebreakfast]

Op are you a man or woman? Are you married with a crush on a girl at work?

[gonemaverick]

Am a woman, a gay one clearly and work girl is gay. Cannot legally marry where I am but am in long term relationship w child and all the rest of it, and yes had/have crush on girl at work that I have been trying to control with some degree of success. Keep reminding myself how much I stand to lose if I was so foolish as to act on any of these feelings.
Lust eh, it's a real head f#ck!

[oreoaddict]

maverick, I am bisexual and I'm in a relationship with a woman. Can I ask, how do you feel about your dp? Have you been going through a rough patch?

We're all human and we all have thoughts and feelings for others and not just our dps. My gf insists she doesn't, but I'm sure she has had or will have a crush or two in her time. I don't like the thought, but I guess we're not really programmed to be monogamous and sometimes we have to fight our natural urges. This is just one of those times.

Don't beat yourself up about it, but for god sake, don't act on it! Are you getting the vibes from the other woman?

[gonemaverick]

Mmm hard to say. I think we are not in a good place (no reason to go looking for kicks) both feeling exhausted, disagreeable, a little envious and discontented realising that attraction fades and you have to work at it and all that stuff.

I am trying to remain reasonable and keep shutting down all lusty thoughts with the notion that way disaster lays. Quite possibly getting the vibe but trying not to focus on it. Have been ignoring all slight signs/comments and bringing us gently back to whatever task we are working on. Aside from the dodgy wrong town lusting aspect it is a lovely thing to enjoy someone's company and find them interesting.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

Lusty crushing is dead normal and how you deal with it depends on you as an individual. BTW... it isn't a given that in a long-term relationship attraction fades. Neither is it true that relationships have to be worked at. They need attention but, if it's a good relationship, it shouldn't feel like work.

[oreoaddict]

Maverick, the way which you described your relationship sounds very unhealthy and actually, very sad. Yes of course people sometimes need to try that little bit harder and certainly a bit more as time goes on (usually) , but I agree with Cogito, in that it shouldn't feel like work.

both feeling exhausted, disagreeable, a little envious and discontented realising that attraction fades and you have to work at it and all that stuff You shouldn't be feeling like this. Neither of you should and I really think maybe you need to think more about whether or not the relationship has run it's course, rather than whether or not you should or shouldn't act on these lustful feelings you've been having for your colleague.

It sounds a bit like you've almost resigned yourself to believing that the way you're feeling about your dp is completely normal and a natural progression of a relationship. It isn't.

I believe that 'I have to have you now' feeling, 9 times out of 10, does wear off a little bit yeah, but it shouldn't completely fade. You should still be finding your dp attractive. You say your both feeling disagreeable.....in what way?

I really think you need to sit down and have a serious talk about where this relationship is going.