the dreaded ex

[sillybilly007]

hi new here!
I need some advice on something that has affected me badly.
I am pregnant (8 weeks gone) and a few nights ago whilst on my OH's facebook doing something for him I found a message sent by his ex-girlfriend. He said he didn't know it was there and then deleted it after I read it but basically she was saying about how she was in a place that he used to take her (which he now takes me!) and how she started thinking about him. She was sorry for how she treated him and she didn't want him to respond as she felt good to email him and she felt humbled by saying sorry then she signed it off with a x.
of course being the emotional wreck I am, I burst into tears as I know she was the love of his life at one point, they split 6 years ago so why on earth would she be emailing him now? we have occasionally seen her when we have been in our local shops etc and he always does a double take with her but I don't think he notices that he does.
Now I can't stop thinking about the fact that he took her to this place he always takes me (a beautiful river town) and I keep wondering why she would write after all this time. Was she hoping he would respond and it would ignite something again? was she trying to get closure?

he swears he didn't know the message was there, that he can't remember taking her to this place and that it wasn't that serious but they dated for a year and at one point she lived with him and they talked about having children.
Please help even if it's to tell me i'm an emotional, hormonal bonkers woman or to say what you think on why she did this? I want all opinions please
thanks
xx

[EhricLovesTeamQhuay]

He says it wasn't that serious but you say she was the love of his life - why?
She was probably feeling sentimental, lonely or regretful. Who knows. What matters is how he responded, which sounds ok to me.

[ALittleStranger]

You're being a little bonkers.

I will sometimes email exes out of the blue and vice versa. It doesn't mean we're looking for reconciliation.

I will take new partners places that have "special meaning". It's because they're nice places.

I received an email recently from my First Big Love reminiscing about something we did. He gets married this month. I would make an absolute fool of myself if I interpreted that email as anything other than "found this, thought of you". I would be mortified if his wife to be didn't understand that the past was the past.

[Dahlen]

I think you're probably feeling a little insecure and vulnerable because you're pregnant, that's all. Tell your DP that you just need some reassurance and let him provide it.

The message from the X is something I have both done myself and been on the receiving end of. In neither case was it about sparking a reconciliation; it was about finally taking responsibilities for past wrongs, even while accepting that the other person will have undoubtedly moved on and doesn't need the apology. It's about doing the right thing as a mark of respect, rather than to achieve anything. Quite often (in the case of my X contacting me), it takes another relationship breakdown with a different partner before realisation dawns that the common denominator is you - hence the time lag.

Likewise the special place. Once you've had more than one special relationship, you tend to carry things over from one relationship to another. Human behaviour is not infinite and people tend to follow patterns. Taking someone to a nearby place that you like is little different from that 'thing' you do in bed that you are likely to repeat with the next sexual partner simply because you like it. Rather than feeling that the place is diminished because you're not the only person he's taken there, instead try feeling honoured that he has chosen to share it with you.

These things simply reflect the fact that you're not his first partner. They do not diminish what you have in any way. Ask him to give you a big hug and tell you how much you mean to him. I'm sure he'll oblige.

[sillybilly007]

thanks everyone. i am extremely insecure at the moment due to being pregnant and also because of previous relationships where i have found exes cheating on me so i think that's why i over reacted. thanks for your help

[newmumsuchfun]

I don't think you're being bonkers - I would be the same - and when I was preggars I was an insecure paranoid beast! The message would have upset me as he didnt tell you about it. But in my experience men dont mention these things as they want to avoid upsetting you / or having a row.
Messages on facebook or emails sometimes to me seem to be the start of something bigger.... but not ALWAYS.
I too have sent the "I'm sorry for everything i did to you, i was thinking about you" message to an ex some time later - especially if i was feeling blue/ nostalgic.
My advice would be to calmly explain your concerns to the other half and then try to move on and tell him you would appreciate it if he lets you know if she contacts him again - as you would do the same.
Then look forward to your future with him and your lovely baby - life is about to change forever - it's great!

[FetchezLaVache]

I would just like to add your OH seems to have nothing to hide, if he lets you on his facebook, and also that I think you're overthinking the special place thing. We all have places we love and want to share these with people we love, it's not that this was "their" special place as such.

If she wasn't very nice to him, he no doubt knows which side his bread's now buttered. Congratulations on your pregnancy, by the way!

[Mojavewonderer]

Aww those pesky hormones are naughty! You don't have anything to worry about I'm sure. Forget the x and concentrate on your partner and pregnancy.
Congratulations by the way :)