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My insecurity is killing our relationship. Is there any hope?

(27 Posts)
NishiNoUsagi Thu 29-Aug-13 22:19:16

Just that really sad

I don't know how it has got this bad.
DH lies a lot, but not about anything that really "matters", if that makes sense, although it still bloody hurts. I want to trust him again somehow but I find that now I can't believe a word he says.

He's trying, but he's struggling with it, probably as I over react to everything. So he lies to me so I don't over react, then I find out about it and feel like I can't trust him, and so on and so on.

He has lied about various things since the start of our marriage, and I've tried to hard to let them go but seem to be getting more and more insecure. He has no idea how to help me (no emotional intelligence whatsoever, can't empathise with how I might feel when lied to etc)

I'm turning into a monster. Have been crying so much this week, triggered by various arguments. I feel broken, but I don't feel like any of this is LTB territory. Although I think he would be better off if I left him as I feel so unstable.

Not really sure what I'm asking, maybe just a hand-hold? Grateful for any opinions though.

EhricLovesTeamQhuay Thu 29-Aug-13 22:30:13

It's not your insecurity is it? It's his dishonesty. He's destroyed your trust and you are sending yourself mad trying to trust someone you know you can't trust.
Being insecure is a natural response to being constantly lied to. How can you be secure? You are standing on shifting sands. There is nothing there to make you secure.

Hatpin Thu 29-Aug-13 22:32:20

Your insecurity is not killing your marriage.

Your H is killing your marriage, by being a liar.

If you knew for certain today that he would never change and that this is what the rest of your life would be like, what would you do?

FurryDogMother Thu 29-Aug-13 22:32:47

I agree with Ehric - if he stops lying, you will stop feeling insecure.

NishiNoUsagi Thu 29-Aug-13 22:47:48

Ehric Thank you smile Although I sound a bit of a wuss I have shouted that at him many a time!

I keep thinking though I should be stronger somehow, that me over reacting about everything just makes him lie more (actually that's what he thinks). He doesn't know what to do to change, as if he tries to be honest about things, he might say something that triggers my insecurity and I start crying. (I sound like a lunatic sad )

Hatpin I honestly don't know. I'm trying to convince myself I could deal with it somehow..

Furry But how would I ever know if he's really stopped lying? I've believed him about things only to find out it's a pack of lies and I feel like an idiot then get paranoid, suspicious about anything. It's a crazy way to live, this week I've just wanted to run away sad

He knows how much he's hurt/hurting me, but doesn't know what to do. He says if he tells the truth I flip out (true sometimes as he has odd boundaries) but if he lies at least he can protect me. The option of him not doing things that hurt me doesn't seem to be viable as he accuses me of controlling him by asking that of him. He says he so stressed dealing with me being this upset plus his job (i work full time too and do majority of childcare, grr) that I'm now worried he's going to have an affair to try and escape reality.

See? This is how bad I've got sad

Lovingfreedom Thu 29-Aug-13 22:52:12

He is 'trying' tell the truth? have a toddler on your hands. No wonder you're must have no idea what's going on and what to believe. You're only mistake here is that you are far too understanding and patient.

WhiteandGreen Thu 29-Aug-13 22:53:42

It sounds like a very healthy dynamic, no matter who is the root cause - probably both of you.

WhiteandGreen Thu 29-Aug-13 22:54:13

Aaaargh - unhealthy!

Scarletohello Thu 29-Aug-13 22:54:48

Can you tell us some of the things he has lied about?

scaevola Thu 29-Aug-13 22:59:35

You know that someone has stopped lying when they live their life as an open book to you and you can check this. It's a loss of privacy that a blameless partner would find unhealthy, but which is necessary when one partner has abused trust by lying repeatedly in the first place.

It can take a very long time. Is he genuinely remorseful and ready to do what it takes for you to see a change?

And "trying" to change means he has not changed yet. Intentions aren't enough.

TVTonight Thu 29-Aug-13 23:06:48

He shouldn't lie but what %age of time do you lose the plot about the "issue" as distinct from the "lying"?

If he is saying that you would exchange constant bollockings about lying for ones about a substantive issue if he were to be honest then surely surely surely that just demonstrates you are incompatible as a couple?

NishiNoUsagi Thu 29-Aug-13 23:07:43

Whiteand Green I agree with your second post much more than your first! smile It's horrible. We're both a nightmare.

Lies. Ok. With reality in brackets.

Working hours of overtime (smoking/chatting after work with friends) x lots
Will definitely catch the last train (12am) home (arrives home at 6am) x lots (but only once since dcs were born)
Went for drinks with the boys (took a female colleague to dinner, then both went for drinks with the boys)
Added current female work colleague to fb (she was not a current colleague)
Doesn't get on with anyone at work (has lots of them on fb, and gets on well with them)

That kind of thing really. All sounds pathetic when written down but after the first time he lied he swore blind he would never hurt me like that again.. then did exactly the same thing a couple of months later. Then the promises not to do it again, then the lies again.

Now my hackles go up every time he mentions a woman (as that was one of his first lies) and I just imagine history repeating itself and freak out. Maybe I'm not giving him a chance to be honest, but I don't know how to do it.

NishiNoUsagi Thu 29-Aug-13 23:11:28

scaevola This open book stuff is something he seems to resent a bit. He thinks it's too much of me to ask that of him.

TV That's the worry! I need to make myself calm down about this, but don't even know where to start. I'm worried I'm just making it so much worse, but every time I've trusted him, something else has happened and I feel so worn down. I'm an awful person to be around at the moment.

FurryDogMother Thu 29-Aug-13 23:25:35

That doesn't sound pathetic. This reminds me of that old slogan - 'just because you're paranoid doesn't mean they're not out to get you'. You don't just feel insecure, you actually are insecure, from what you've told us - he is behaving in a way which any reasonable person would see as untrustworthy, and therefore your reaction to it is a perfectly natural one. Logically, this means that you can't resolve the issue, because it depends on him making changes, not you. Most people don't need a 'chance' to be honest, they just are. Stop looking for changes that you can make which will result in his behaviour changing. Only he can make the change, only he is responsible for his own honesty.

WhiteandGreen Thu 29-Aug-13 23:25:50

Have you been like this in previous relationships.

NishiNoUsagi Thu 29-Aug-13 23:33:01

Furry Thank you. I wish I could change him, but I know it's impossible. But I don't know how willing he is to try. He's said how sorry he is, and that he knows he's hurting me but he doesn't know how to fix this and has kind of shut down. I'm just scared he won't/can't change, then what will I do?

White No, I used to be normal grin I don't even recognise myself. I'm really ashamed of how I am now, I'm nothing like the person I was when we met and can see I'm just pushing him further away.

Sorry, this all sounds really whiney and self indulgent. Thanks for letting me get it all out here, at least I know it's possibly a bit normal to feel like this!

WhiteandGreen Thu 29-Aug-13 23:39:26

In that case it's as plain as day that the problem is him.

FurryDogMother Thu 29-Aug-13 23:47:29

'he doesn't know how to fix this'? It's really not that difficult to just tell the truth (I do have some sympathy with him promising to be home by 12 and rolling up at 6 am - it happens, and that's not a lie as such, just an over-optimistic prediction!).

This is not calculus (which, I think, is a bit harder than rocket science) - he fixes it by promising you that he will not lie to you again - and then he doesn't lie to you again. If he can't do that I think you'd be better off without him, hard though that may be, but you can't live your life trying to suppress your natural instincts and blaming yourself for someone else's failures.

Quiltcover Fri 30-Aug-13 08:03:56

He sounds like a people pleaser. Would rather lie as an easy option than face the confrontation or discussion that the truth would create.
It is very very unsettling. You are always doubting what you are told and never quite sure if you have the full picture. Total transparency is needed. Unhealthy long term, but is needed to rebuild trust as at the moment, you cannot believe what he says.
I think men find it easier to lie for an easy life.
It us very difficult to feel secure and safe when your life partner isn't open and honest. You imagine all sorts of incidents which may or may not be true. But you simply have no way of knowing.

Quiltcover Fri 30-Aug-13 08:13:15

My dh had a habit of lying. Very trivial stuff, but it really shakes your security when it is repetitive. He has realised he is on his last chance and I feel is changing.
When it is a pattern of behaviour that has always been there, it cannot be fixed overnight. I have total access to his phones etc, he faces the conversation if I don't like what he is saying rather than lying etc. it is v difficult and quite draining.
I got angry with him the other day, he needed to be up early to work on a project for work. He got up when he thought I was asleep (430) to work downstairs. I stirred and saw the time after he had left the room. I went down about 630 and asked him when he had got up. He said 5. I knew he was lying.
Silly I know, but when I raised it again later and said I knew he was up at 430. He got defensive but admitted he had said 5 as he didn't want me to comment on him getting up early to do work.
Totally ridiculous point, but its the lying about trivial rubbish persistently is just odd. Almost lying for the sake of it.

MadBusLady Fri 30-Aug-13 08:30:34

So why is he taking female colleagues out to dinner, and pretending that women he adds on FB are colleagues when he's met them somewhere else?

Those don't sound like trivial lies to me.

MadBusLady Fri 30-Aug-13 08:38:05

Hang on, I missed the thing about him sometimes having "odd boundaries".


He's just doing what the fuck he likes with whoever he likes and either lying about it or accusing you of being "insecure" when you object, isn't he.

waltzingmathilda Fri 30-Aug-13 10:50:37

Why does he feel he has to lie? Eg over the FB thing? I would add who I liked 9as would DH) and neither of us would have to have a convoluted story as to how we met the person. So why is he having to justify his friendships? Is it because the OP is jealous?

These things have a habit of feeding off each other and going in circles. Jealous partner, white lies, partner becomes more jealous, lies become deeper.

You dont trust him, therefore you don't have a relationship, so leave now. But when you get into another relationship, don't project the trust issues you have with this relationship onto another bloke though. Have some counceling as to why you are like this and how a healthy relationship can be maintained.

quiltcover is a perfect example of how to drive a partner away by cross examining and making the other person feel the need to lie about something utterly mundane that a normal person wouldnt give a second thought to. It is very controlling.

Boosterseat Fri 30-Aug-13 10:56:28

Look up gaslighting OP.

You are not "mad" or "overreacting" he is trying to play you into hysterical woman role, make you doubt your own intincts and minimise his shit behaviour.

You are insecure because he made you so, by rocking your faith in him and making you believe YABU.

Taking OW out for dinner without telling you is NOT a white lie, it's a great big slap in the face and no wonder you feel insecure.

please don't waste your time with someone who considers you unworthy of the truth.

LoisPuddingLane Fri 30-Aug-13 11:26:06

I've known people like this who lie to "protect" you or themselves, because you know, if they told you the truth you'd go off on one.

There's a deeper issue here. If the things he is doing are things about which you'd go off on one, then why is he doing them? He wants to behave in a certain manner and not deal with the consequences, hence he lies because you would "over-react" - but your reactions are normal.

If someone lies to you about what they are doing, where, and with whom, you are going to feel insecure. It isn't just the lying that needs to stop, but the activities that seem to require being lied about.

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