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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Unhospitable BIL/SIL

19 replies

TenToWine · 23/08/2013 17:43

DH has 2 brothers. Both married, one lives abroad and has 3 children (BIL1) and the other (BIL2) has no children and lives about 2 hours from us. DH/we get on pretty well with both. Since I have known DH (married 16 years, together 3 or 4 years before that), BIL2/SIL2 have never once cooked for us (we either go out or get takeaways when we vist them). Since we have had children (now 8 and 9) we have never been invited to stay the night (although they have room) so we stay in hotels when we go to visit for more than a day trip. BIL 1 and his family (when they visit from France) are also not invited to stay, and financially cant really afford to stay in hotels so just see them at our house or PILs, or visit on day trips from our house. BIL2 visits us and PILs a few times a year, and accept hospitality/stay over etc. They also visit BIL1 in France and stay with him and they are generally sociable people so often stay with friends and cousins in various parts of the country/world (who also tend not be be invited back to stay with them!).

DH and I have always found this a bit odd but dont really worry about it. When we saw PIL last weekend, MIL confessed (for the 1st time) to being very upset/embarassed about it, particularly because they always accept (invite themselves for) hospitality from other people. The trigger for the converstion is that BIL1 is over wth his DC (without SIL - she is working and coming to join this weekend). BIL1 had arranged to visit BIL2 who had initially invited him to stay (DC are older now) but then cancelled the overnight stay at the last minute for a pretty rubbish reason. This then meant BIL1 had to arrange to stay at our house for a few extra nights (too far from PILs to do day trip to BIL2) on our first day back from hols, rather than coming to see us later in the week as orignally planned.

Anyway, not sure of the point of my post other than asking if you agree it is odd behaviour and whether we (DH) should say anything to BIL2 about it, now we know it upsets PILs. I think maybe the odd jokey dig, but probably not our place to have a serious conversation about it particularly since it does not particularly bother us (apart from finding it strange behaviour).

OP posts:

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Chottie · 23/08/2013 18:00

I think I would keep out of this. Yes IMO it is odd, but surely PIL should say something and not you or DH?

StElmo · 23/08/2013 18:52

You and BIL 1 choose to offer hospitality to BIL 2. BIL 2 chooses not to invite people to stay at his house. It's his house, I don't see the problem.

WinkyWinkola · 23/08/2013 18:57

It is odd but perhaps they just can't be arsed with house guests?

It's allowed to feel that way but it's a bit off to change plans at the last minute and put people out after having offered them hospitality.

TheDoctrineOfPositivityYes · 23/08/2013 19:05

How would you feel about a straightforward "why don't you want anyone to stay at your house?"

Pilgit · 23/08/2013 19:17

perhaps they have a secret sex dungeon they don't want anyone to find . But on a less flippant (and more helpful) note - perhaps one of them has a phobia of people staying in their house? Perhaps one of them has a habit that only manifests at home and is embarrasing (yes, clutching straws with that one - sleepwalking). Perhaps they are embarrassed about their home for some logical or totally illogical reason? perhaps one of them really hates other people using their toilet (I know someone like that). IF you want to tackle it, try asking in a non-judgemental, concerned type of way as it might be for a reason that requires empathy and understanding rather than them just being odd.

Vivacia · 23/08/2013 19:28

I can't see any problem with this. If it's a problem for your in-laws then they are adults and they need to deal with it. If you go ahead and get involved then ask them straight, no sly digs.

Squitten · 23/08/2013 19:35

It's up to them who they have in their home. If they don't have any children of their own perhaps they don't particularly like the idea of being stuck with kids in their house? If people don't want to invite them to stay in return then that's also fine. It is rather unhospitable behaviour for sure, but you can't really force them and why would you want to?

Having said that, changing plans at the last minute like that when you have people travelling to see you is not on.

TenToWine · 23/08/2013 23:27

It is not just the staying over. Even in the days before DC when we were allowed to stay over, they never once cooked for us. But I agree that it is not really our place to say anything and if we have a problem with it ( which we don't), we just have to stop inviting them to ours. MIL is cross at the moment partly because of the BIL1 incident and partly because she has just learnt that they have invited themselves to stay with a cousin when they refused to have cousin's brother to stay earlier in the year when he was in BILs area fr work. She thinks that if BIL is not prepared to offer hospitality ( which is up to him), he should not in turn ask for hospitality from others. I think she is embarrassed because the wider family are talking about it.

OP posts:

EldritchCleavage · 23/08/2013 23:30

I think MIL is absolutely right. What I don't think would be right would be raising it with you and your DH hoping you will tackle BIL about it. She should do it, since she's most bothered by it. And she's his mother, who better to ask him?

QuintessentialOldDear · 23/08/2013 23:36

Tell him this. That wider family is talking about how they invite themselves to others yet dont offer hospitality in return, ever, and that people are talking about it as they are beginning to see a pattern. Ask if there is a problem at home, is SIL maybe an alcoholic, or something they need help and support with?

hillian · 24/08/2013 08:27

I agree with you, OP: it is odd.

Maybe they have a reason but, rather than give it, they avoided addressing the problem at the beginning and now its become a habit such that they don't think anyone notices any more??

My personal view is that children who are brought up together tend to share the same views about what is "normal", so maybe this has something to do with you SIL?

Crumbledwalnuts · 24/08/2013 08:29

Gosh I wouldn't have them in mine. Sorry but you are being too nice!

Cabrinha · 24/08/2013 08:32

I don't see what the cooking has to do with anything. I have friends over for takeaway - I'm just not that great a cook and can't be arsed to learn.
I'd be pretty cross if they complained behind my back that I didn't cook for them. Taking piss to my face is fine!

Not staying if they room does seen odd, but the way to deal with it is not digs and jokes. Just ask. Next you're going there, say "could we stay with you instead of getting a hotel?" And take it from there.

TenToWine · 24/08/2013 09:01

We have asked to stay ( as BIL1 just did) and they say no, usually giving a pretty rubbish excuse. It becomes embarassing to ask continually. On the cooking, they have not cooked for us once in 20 years. They can cook. If we visit and get takeouts or go out, the cost is split. We do think it is mainly SIL, but clearly BIL is going along with it. We still invite them because we enjoy their company (BIL's in particular) and can afford to stay in hotels/eat out so it wou seem churlish. Clearly others feel the same which is why they get away with it.

OP posts:

hillian · 24/08/2013 09:05

sorry that last bit should say "your SIL"!

WinkyWinkola · 24/08/2013 09:57

Well if you or other people aren't happy with it, just say no to their staying at yours.

It is odd, you're right.

Crumbledwalnuts · 24/08/2013 09:58

they're just being lazy and selfish, and relying on the fact that people want their company.

EldritchCleavage · 24/08/2013 23:28

I suppose next time they ask any family member to stay you could all say no, each using one of the rubbish excuse they've used on you. That would get the message across!

raisah · 25/08/2013 05:39

My younger BIL is like this now that he has married his wife who has huge social communication issues. They always take advantage of the kindness & hospitality of others but never reciprocate. The final straw for me was when my soft Dh went round (at BILs request) to do a DIY job for him and was made to do it on the doorstep. They wouldn't let him inside to check if it worked (bathroom cabinet door) yet SIL family is welcome all of the time. My Dh won't confront his brother. They ask to come round but I put them off by saying I will need to check dates etc but never do.

I think you need to stop being hospitable and if ever the opportunity arises mention how rude and grasping they appear.

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