I am horrible - too sad and jealous to look at friend's wedding photos

[PecanSandy]

A good friend of mine got married last weekend. I'm on the other side of Europe for work and flew back just for the weekend. Her new DH seems lovely and I'm ver pleased for her. They met online 2 years ago and just clicked and she's happily taken on his three small DC.

At the reception I was the only one not in acouple as usual. I looked around and saw all these other women with nice partners and thought, why them and not me? Maybe I will be lucky at some point too.

I just turned 50 and have been divorced for 18 years. My first boyfriend in all that time dumped me without warning just after my birthday after a 6 month relationship, citing MH issues, I still don't understand what happened. That was three months ago today. I've been chatting to a nice guy online but now he tells me he has BPAD. Am I a magnet?

Anyway friend emailed wedding photos today and I can't even look at them. Just feel like crying.

Sorry for the pity party. I know I'm awful but feel hopeless.

[Pancakeflipper]

Oh Pecan. You are not horrible and mean.

[comedycentral]

You are not horrible . Please don't be hard on yourself

[mrspaddy]

Nope - you are human, not horrible.
Maybe don't get too involved with new man just yet.
Be good to yourself. There are lots of things, I imagine, good in your life that other people don't have and not all relationships are happy xxx

[TheBakeryQueen]

Agree with mrspaddy. Being in a relationship is not the holy grail. It is possible to be happy, content & single.

[Walkacrossthesand]

It's probably no consolation, pecan, but you're not the only one. I'm same age, divorced same length of time, not got lucky in the OD stakes, would love to have another chance at love but there's sweet FA I can do to make it happen so I just 'keep buggering on'. There was a good thread on here a while back, called 'being single' - aimed at being a mutual support thread for the reluctantly but persistently single. It fizzled out, sadly - kept getting hijacked by the chirpy 'join clubs, go online, it will happen when you least expect it' brigade who just don't get it. You're not a bad person - it is hard. KBO!

[burberryqueen]

pecan no you are not a magnet as you can just say no.
do not worry being in a relationship is really not everything.

[Eastpoint]

Just email her & say thank you they look fantastic & that you had a lovely evening, then you don't need to worry about them, you don't actually have to look at them all.

I'm sorry you aren't in a happy relationship at the moment, I obviously don't know why you aren't meeting men who appeal to you in real life. A single friend & I were walking the other day & we didn't see any attractive looking men at all (we were being shallow), we think there aren't that many attractive men as they tend to age badly, which you don't notice if you are married to them. I'm not sure if that helps or not, but hopefully it made you smile wryly.

[cakeordeath1963]

Pecan and Walkacrossthesand you can count me in as well.
I turned 50 recently and have been divorced for about 6 years, although we had been separated for 4 years previously.ive not had much luck since as far as love goes. I look at happy couples and wonder why can't that be me? I'm was beginning to wonder too if I was just a really horrible, unlovable person. I'm so glad I read this thread, I know I'm not alone now!

[Walkacrossthesand]

I'm thinking about this 'single is better than a bad relationship' thing that is trotted out so often. No doubt it is - but also a 'so-so but not actively bad' relationship is better than being single! We dont want hearts and flowers - just the companionship and ease of a 'significant other' .Very few of the posters who stoutly declare the value of the single state, are actually (I've observed) longterm utterly single (ie no boyfriends/squeezes/FWB) themselves. Just saying.

[Wilding]

I totally disagree that a so-so relationship is better than being single! Why on earth would you waste your time with someone who's only OK? I can get companionship from my friends. And I'm speaking as a relatively long-term single (5 years and counting...)

Pecan, I do understand where you're coming from, and it doesn't make you a horrible person at all. I was feeling the same recently - starting to wonder if there was something wrong with me, that noone wanted to be with me. And then I sat down and thought about it and realised that it was the other way round - that I haven't actually met anyone that I would want to be with. I've also realised that I do like my life how it is, and that anyone I date will have to be pretty damn special in order for me to make time for them. Maybe this makes me fussy but I have enough friends in slightly crappy relationships to know that I don't want that for myself!

[PecanSandy]

Thanks for input and kind words everyone. At this point I find Walk's POV interesting. My last relationship
Wasn't perfect but I was perfectly happy withit. I don't need a man to support me financially and I have my own electric drill and jigsaw. Friends to actually do activities with a bit thin on the ground, but it' s been like that since DD was born. I don't mind doing stuff alone. I don't need happy ever after, just some love and affection, a hand to hold, to feel pArt of a couple sometimes. I've done alone for 18 years and managed pretty well but that's enough now!

Feeling a bit crap yesterday because 3 weeks abroad ending but I'm stuck here til tonight and miss DD and my cats. and then nice guy messages to say he's too low atm to chat. I'm sorry for him but if he can't even chat how can how can he date? Also Saturday still reminds me if the breakup that came from nowhere and rippedmy heart out.

I'm approaching finding a relationship as I would finding a job. You send out tonnes of CVs and follow up every lead and keep on looking despite the disappoitments and setbacks. I've usually achieved my goals through sheer persistence and "feeling the fear and doing it anyway". How different can this be?

Thanks again everyone and have a great Sunday.

[PecanSandy]

Walkacross - just reread your post. WORD.

[PecanSandy]

And I remember the single thread. I had to stop reading as it was too depressing.

[Walkacrossthesand]

Wilding - be honest now - would you truly be happy to think that you will be single (and I include not having sex in that - I'm talking from the POV of no b/f, FWB etc) until the end of your days? Because that's the reality that I and the others on the 'being single' thread are squaring up to - and yes, it is depressing, but we have no choice in the matter. And pecan - is WORD an acronym?

[Wilding]

If I thought it was forever - then no, I wouldn't be happy. I suppose part of the reason I'm content being single is that I'm still relatively young and I have faith that someone will turn up at some point who I'll want a relationship with, even if it's not forever. And I definitely think at times that it would be nice to have someone else there to support me and make life easier. But on the other hand, I'm very independent and I've never envisaged spending the rest of my life with just one person (it would be nice but I think it's unrealistic). And no way would I be happy to go the rest of my life without sex! But being single, for me, is kind of irrelevant to sex, as I'm happy to have sex with strangers/outside a relationship.

[PecanSandy]

Word is slang (probably outdated) for "you're speaking the truth, I agree with you completely."

Wilding, hats off to you, but if you're young, expect a relationship to come along and are having sex, that's not what we think of as "single". Single at 50 could well mean never having another relationship or even sex.

[Wilding]

Fair enough

[TheBakeryQueen]

I love being single. Men irritate me.

I value friendship massively.

Seriously, there are many lonely people in relationships. I don't think other people can make you happy.

There are other ways of finding fulfilment.

Apart from lack of a partner, what is your life like? What makes you happy?

[TheBakeryQueen]

I rarely envy relationships, most don't appear that great to me.

[Lizzabadger]

You're just feeling sad today so be kind to yourself. You've no idea what goes on behind closed doors for all those couples at the wedding. I bet half of them aren't as happy as you think.

At the risk of sounding annoying I think you should stop looking for your happiness to come from a relationship and try to find it elsewhere.

I've been single for 11 years and am unlikely to have another relationship so I know what of I speak!