Need your opinion on this - may seem petty

[feelokaboutit]

Hi all

Without giving you the background to my relationship with h, I need (if possible ) your opinion on what he said to me this evening.

I was at home all day with our 3 kids - he was out working doing a physical job so he comes home knackered.

Shortly after coming home - he had had a shower and was about to eat his dinner, he got up again to get something from the cupboard in the kitchen. In the process (after he had got what he needed) he half tripped over the open dishwasher (which I had left open as I was emptying it - but he must have seen it was open as he made his way to the cupboard). He hurt his foot which is already sore and remained bent over for a while (he did not fall over but somehow stumbled - I didn't see how it happened). He then stood up and said to me - coldly - that unless I kept the dishwasher shut in future, he would unplug it and I would have to do the washing up by hand - that he "didn't have to put up with this".

What is your reaction to this? Maybe I am overreacting but I am and (though I recognise that tripping over the dishwasher is irritating).

Many thanks .

[scratchandsniff]

Not knowing your relationship history I'd say a knee jerk reaction from him to hurting himself.

[ImperialBlether]

So he walked past the open door of the dishwasher, and avoided it.

You were still doing what? Putting things in? Nowhere near it?

He then walked back and tripped over it.

Now it's your fault.

Of course this is his fault. It's quite normal to look for something to blame when you're hurt, but most people pick on inanimate objects. He picked on you. Does he always do this?

I do think that if he walked past and the dishwasher was shut, then you stealthily opened it and didn't say "Watch out for the dishwasher" and if there was loud music playing or whatever so that he couldn't be expected to hear the door opening, then he could say, "For god's sake, you could've warned me!" It wouldn't have been reasonable but would have been understandable.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

He threatened you. 'If you don't do X... bad thing Y will happen'. Tripping over the dishwasher door gets you in a particularly painful part of the shin, but he reacted as though a) you'd done it on purpose, b) you deserved some kind of punishment and c) you're some kind of irritant that he merely tolerates.

Wrong on far too many levels IMHO. Hope you told him to bugger off.

[ImperialBlether]

And seriously, how are you meant to put things in and take them out if it's shut?

[CharlieAlphaKiloEcho]

I swear so badly when I hurt myself. Usually I am a reasonable person but stubbing my toe has caused me to say some horrible stuff before.

Maybe he is the same?

[feelokaboutit]

Thanks - I'd like to go with scratchandsniff's take on things but am afraid that your second post, cogito really resonated .

The dishwasher was open long before he got to the cupboard - but I do have a habit of leaving it open at times when I am intending to empty it (or have started but then been distracted by something else) but am not doing it at that time exactly....

Yes imperial he is a blaming kind of person.

[BerylStreep]

I'm not really liking the assumption that he is master of the house and rule maker, whereas you are responsible for the dishes and are 'allowed' to use one of these modern labour saving devices.

Without knowing the background to your relationship it is hard to say if he completely over-reacted, or if he displays this unequal attitude in other areas of your life.

Is he likely to apologise later? If so I would be inclined to calmly say that you didn't appreciate it, and it wasn't your fault.

I take it he will be doing his own dishes by hand in the future also?

[feelokaboutit]

Yes charlie - he has a short fuse (not suggesting that you do)

I too have got cross when hurting myself, but I am not in a position to make a "I will turn the power off" kind of "threat", that's what I resent the most really.

[Neitheronethingortheother]

Did you snigger when he hurt himself? Does sound like an over reaction and a bit mean but I take it you could plug it back in. Its not like he could do it though is it?

[scratchandsniff]

I think we need some background info. From your last post I'm guessing tonight's incident follows others that have concerned you.

[wakeupandsmellthecoffee]

I would reply "if you say that again I will keep the door to my lady garden closed and YOU will have to do it by hand "

[themidwife]

Actually the bit that really annoyed me was the "I'll unplug it & YOU'LL have to do all the washing up by hand"!! Who the fuck does he think he is? Henry VIII & you're a kitchen maid?

Personally I'd go on strike until he apologises!! He can eat off dirty plates from now on!!

[LaurieFairyCake]

Id think he was just venting. I'd ignore it and roll my eyes.

People talk shite when they fall over and hurt themselves.

[feelokaboutit]

No Beryl, he never apologises for anything.

That's exactly what annoys me as well - the master of the house slant to things. We are married but he legally owns the house - this really really rankles though maybe it shouldn't. He also refuses to discuss anything like wills etc (again, not sure if this is unreasonable or not). I feel on possibly shifting ground and very dependent (not in a good way).

[feelokaboutit]

I didn't snigger, but I did keep completely quiet because I was waiting for some kind of backlash. When he said what he said I kept quiet and with my eyes averted .

It's difficult to describe our relationship. We are not affectionate with each other and have issues which are never discussed (though we did attempt counselling last year). We rub along ok some of the time and some of the time really not.

[cozietoesie]

I can understand the doing it and the general annoyance both. (When I've been seriously physically knackered it's sometimes made me almost blind to my environment and easily ready to stumble into things and hurt myself.)

What would concern me would be the translation of that annoyance into a threat which was (in effect) against you.

Has he ever turned annoyance against you before?

[Liara]

This is awful. Both dh and I end up the day absolutely knackered, we do a very physical job and take care of the dc. We are often on a short fuse by the end of the day, and can snap at each other.

But this was more than that. As you say, it is the assumption that you use the dishwasher at his consent, and that if he decided to remove it you would have to do the dishes by hand.

If dh ever even hinted anything like that there would be a flaming row and he would be doing all the dishes and loading and unloading the dishwasher for the foreseeable as an apology.

And it would be him who instigated that. (ditto if it was I who was similarly unreasonable, btw)

[cozietoesie]

semi x post.

[feelokaboutit]

Maybe rolling my eyes would be a better way of approaching things (rather than feeling all angry / unloved). It's true that I would plug it straight back in .

[feelokaboutit]

Yes - he is a blaming / negative / bad tempered kind of person (who can be more lighthearted when in a better mood). Liara, I agree that it is awful .

Basically, if I died h's life would not change at all. If he dies, all hell would break loose for me. This is what I resent. H has completely insured himself against feeling emotionally or financially hurt... He is previously divorced and extremely bitter about his financial losses there.

[AnyFucker]

if you are married then the house is an asset of the marriage and would be divided appropriately were you ever to divorce

did he tell you something different ?

[feelokaboutit]

No - he does know that anyfucker and has said so before when I have asked to have my name put on the deeds. Last year in counselling, however, he did say that he had bought the house before we were married . We were already living together however, and got married about 4 years later when ds was born.

[ImperialBlether]

In your position I would seek legal advice, just out of interest.

Do you work outside the house, OP?

[feelokaboutit]

No I don't unfortunately. My earning potential is pretty low too so it all seems impossible. Someone tell me it isn't please!

[themidwife]

He's sadly mistaken OP, you are his next of kin. If he dies by accidentally falling onto a sharp knife in the dishwasher you get the lot unless he has made a will & left it to the cats protection league. Also if you divorce & you are a SAHM with kids, you'll get at least 50% no matter how big & clever he thinks he is. If he made you sign a prenup you were coerced.