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help me rationalize please

(68 Posts)
Buzzardbird Sat 20-Jul-13 00:34:36

Tonight I discover that my best friends bil has been imprisoned for child sex offense. I am in a state of complete shock I guess you would call it as we have socialised with this man since my dd was born (7 years) and although I know I never let my dd out of my sight so no harm has come to her, I am really struggling with my rage at my best friend's dh who knew this was his second offense and not only didn't tell me or my best friend but let us even invite thus monster into our home last Christmas as he is single and we didn't want him to be alone.

My friend is struggling to understand my feelings and has begged me not to say anything to her dh as he is obviously ashamed and embarrassed. She never had children and doesn't understand that I am furious that my dd could have been in a potentially harmful position. It doesn't help that I was abused as a child and this has always been my greatest fear.

My dh struggles with emotions and has said next to anger, no fear, nothing. Therefore I am trying to work through how I feel alone.

I want to punch my df's husband but this will be fruitless won't it as its highly unlikely this situation would ever happen again isn't it?

My friend needs my support and I will be there for her no matter what but I need to vent how I feel and it looks like you mnr's will have to be my release.

Please tell me something to reassure me that everything will be ok and I haven't let dd down?

Buzzardbird Sat 20-Jul-13 14:51:53

I have heard terrible things about paedophiles in prison as have 2 friends who are at a high security prison that contains the worst offenders. This is how I came to know that prison is not the answer unless they spend the rest of their lives there in solitary. I won't go into details because I wish I didn't know.

mummytime Sat 20-Jul-13 14:30:15

"He can access porn and groom children from prison?"
It has been known! It has also been known for paedophiles to gain access to children whilst in custody. Hopefully this will never happen again, but...

Buzzardbird Sat 20-Jul-13 14:15:34

She knows the only secrets she is allowed to keep are nice surprises. I am pretty sure its ok and I have to be careful not to create false memory.I will tell her he has gone to prison for hurting someone and just see how she reacts I think? Am a hawk where my child is concerned. My anxiety is through the roof, I need to try and calm as with her school friends this afternoon in a public place with is going to be awful for atm. No decision made yet on later. My dd loves them so much, they are the closest people to her other than me and dh.

Somethingtothinkabout Sat 20-Jul-13 14:08:39

I'm sure nothing has has happened with her as a 6yo would probably mention something that would sound alarm bells for you, even if they didn't think anything of it themselves? I'd maybe ask her if he's asked her to keep any secrets?

Buzzardbird Sat 20-Jul-13 13:56:15

Thankyou something you seem to understand that nagging thought that won't go away. I don't believe that I have ever given the opportunity for anything to happen but am wracked with guilt that she has kissed him goodbye and to thank him for presents etc. I will wait until I am calmer though before I say though. It is difficult when I doubt myself so much. I have always taught her that no-one is allowed to touch her unless it is a doctor and I am there with her but I know that she doesn't take that in completely.

Somethingtothinkabout Sat 20-Jul-13 13:44:10

OP, do you feel as though you need to ask your DD about any I appropriate contact the BIL may have had with her at any stage? If not, then just explain he did a very bad thing and has to go away and can't see you all again.

If you're worried about whether she could have been abused I'm not sure how you ask a 6yo that sad but hopefully someone will be along soon who will know.

Ignore Vivacia, that poster is just always trying to goad people, it's not just you.

Zazzles007 Sat 20-Jul-13 13:34:43

That says nothing about the OP Vivacia, only that a sex offender got what he deserve.

I'm outta here, as I don't want to feed a derailment which is what Vivacia is after.

Vivacia Sat 20-Jul-13 13:16:52

"He hurt somebody and has gone to prison which is what happens to adults when they do something bad enough"?

Buzzardbird Sat 20-Jul-13 13:14:14

I do however need to ask you all a further favour and advise me on the sensible thing to say to dd (6 1/2) to explain why pervert is not around any longer because she will notice. I don't want to put the fear of god into her about every man she knows. This I do not trust my own judgment on for obvious reasons.

Buzzardbird Sat 20-Jul-13 13:06:46

I tried to talk to dh before he went out (pre-arranged) he just cannot do emotions. Not his fault, it just isn't there. He is worried that I will explode after a drink and tell df's dh what I think. I wouldn't though, my experiences have made me an expert at self-control. I will though have to question him at another time when it won't cause further distress.

Buzzardbird Sat 20-Jul-13 13:02:06

That is exactly what I thought of in the night kalid was to sell it and give the money to an organization I found online that helps people who have been affected by monsters. Thank you so much for your support thanks

kalidanger Sat 20-Jul-13 12:36:58

Or sell it and give the money to the NSPCC. Or bin it.

Sorry, I'll shut up now x

Zazzles007 Sat 20-Jul-13 12:36:26

You have Vivica, you have taken the side of the sex offender and his family, therefore, in essence, that is defending them. I see nothing in your posts which offer sympathy to the OP. Therefore I must conclude that you side with the sex offender and his family. Do you have a child sex offender in your family Vivica that you are struggling to conceal???

kalidanger Sat 20-Jul-13 12:36:20

Bin it all, Buzzard.

Can you talk to your DH? Maybe try x

Vivacia Sat 20-Jul-13 12:36:09

Buzzard, I wouldn't even start second-guessing your actions here, re red flags. There is every reason to believe that your children are safe because you kept them safe and didn't put a foot wrong.

Buzzardbird Sat 20-Jul-13 12:33:29

jewellery for a 5 yr old was probably a red flag I didn't see? Not childish jewellery iyswim? Just thought it was a typical present from a childless(thank god) middle aged man

Vivacia Sat 20-Jul-13 12:31:46

maristella absolutely, the OP and her husband should tell the friend's husband exactly that. But tell him, not punch him. I for one would want him to know how angry and betrayed I felt, and I'd want to hear his reasons.

What have I said exactly that disgusts you?

Zazzles007 Sat 20-Jul-13 12:31:25

Paedogeddon actually has nothing to do with the recidivism rates of child sex offenders, but good one for trying to throw in a word that you thought no one who know to derail the line of conversation.

And of course a high recidivism rate means more child sex abuse, not only as a statistic, but in the individual child sex offender. How do you think the BIL got to his second offense??? Because he relapsed and did it again, ffs!!!

joblot Sat 20-Jul-13 12:29:19

My last comment aimed at vivacia btw

Buzzardbird Sat 20-Jul-13 12:28:30

I will be telling no-one for the sake of my friends but if I find out that when he is released again he is allowed to continue to mix with people with children (as there are others in the family) I will tell them in a heartbeat. This, I believe is the correct sane way to act...and that is from someone who feels like she is crumbling and is doubting herself.

Vivacia Sat 20-Jul-13 12:28:29

Zazzles, where has someone defended a sex offender? Furthermore, my whole point had been that it is not the convicted criminal who will be hurt by malicious talk,

maristella Sat 20-Jul-13 12:28:13

To think that a paedophile not having to be alone at Christmas is more important than protecting an innocent and vulnerable child from said paedophile just beggars belief.
OP your friends husband is not your friend. I'm so angry for you

joblot Sat 20-Jul-13 12:27:59

Ah you clearly know much more than I. Not. Unfortunately like drug use, prisoners manage to acceess things they shouldn't. You sound terribly naive. And you do not know if op's daughter has been affectedby him. let's hope not.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sat 20-Jul-13 12:27:50

"The OP's children came to know harm"

More by good luck than good guidance. hmm The sentiment that 'nothing happened, so what are you worried about?' is exactly why the OP's friend should be given a wide berth.

maristella Sat 20-Jul-13 12:25:42

I'm absolutely stunned and disgusted by your responses Vivacia. Parents need to be made aware if someone socialising with their child is a predatory paedophile ffs!

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