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am sooo confused.......tearing myself apart

(7 Posts)
evaeoin Mon 15-Jul-13 16:24:25

i am having a bit of difficulty at the mo. My H has moved out of our home two weeks ago (cant use the words seperated yet) His behaviour was awful over the past number of years. I tried to forgive him but seem to be stuck in the past. Dont know if i am right and wise not to forgive or whether i should try and move on and have a happy life with him. If i was to move on with him believe me it would not be in the immediate future, major counselling would need to be done on both sides. He loves me i know that much for sure. I love him but he has alot of flaws. I thought i would feel so relieved once he had left but i dont - i feel devastated and am going downhill not getting better.

hadnt told anyone he had left (except one family member) then over the weekend a friend called with wine and of course it all came out. felt a right fool the next day - had told her things that went back years ago as if they were in the present tense. i dont know what i was doing dragging up all that stuff as if it only happend last week. she was suitably shocked and texting all the time now to see if im ok. why did i say anything??

I have become depressed over the past couple of years and am going to counselling which i find useless. He is also going to counselling.

So there you have it. Depressed, trying not to overdo the alcohol as i am prone to do. 3 dc's, got my P45 last week but had been out sick for 14 months so no suprise there, unsustainable mortgage, losing friends by the minute.

am so confused - one week i think i am donig great am happy my marraige is over and the next i am thinking maybe there are ways to save it. i hate this...

onehappymummy Mon 15-Jul-13 16:35:04

I think its perfectly normal to question whether this is what you want. That is the only way to make the right decision in the end and know for sure you have. It is also perfectly normal to doubt yourself even when you have made the right decision. I'm not qualified to tell you if you have made the best choice or not - only you can do that.

I would say, however, if you are losing friends because you're having it hard right now, then they weren't really friends anyway and you're better off without them. My advice would be to find someone you can talk to - be that your friend you have already confided in or a relative and talk it through, again, they can't make the decision but a good friend will help you get things in perspective.

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 15-Jul-13 16:53:00

Did he leave because you told him to or did he initiate the separation?

I think it was probably cathartic that you told your friend the full story, even if it did leave her shocked on your behalf. Sounds like it was a story that was long overdue the telling and, assuming it was all true, I don't think you have anything to be embarrassed or ashamed of. Yes, it's a bit of a bridge-burning feeling to finally tell someone the full extent of what's been going on .... it would be awkward to now tell the same person that you are getting back together, for example.... but it's better than suppressing it all and self-medicating with alcohol.

If you're struggling please remember that it's only been two weeks. This is the dark before the dawn, the 'oh god what have I done' phase, but, now that you've started the process of opening up, you could find your sessions with a counsellor are a little easier.

evaeoin Mon 15-Jul-13 17:16:13

thanks for the replies.
yes its good to have someone to talk to - its just so personal - and i found in the past that people cant help but tell other people what they have heard. in fairness this friend is very confidential (i think).
it would take about ten hours to tell someone the whole story of the past few years because it wasnt all bad - we had some great times too. What i told her the other night was all the worst and most dramatic bits and am kicking myself for that. Thats why i nearly always have a couple glasses on my own at the weekends because i am afraid of what will come out of my mouth when my emotions are so raw. i know the answer is not to drink at all and i think i am ready to stop now.

it was my idea/insistence he moved out - in fairness he was very amicable about it but i know how much he didnt want to go. I had him removed from the house couple of years ago as he was pretty aggressive and i know he was afraid i will go down that road again if he kicked up a fuss this time.

there was no question that he had to move out as we were making each other miserable. i suppose the question is - is there a chance that over the next 6 months or more can we patch things up with counselling / time / space get over the past and move on

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 15-Jul-13 18:03:55

In your shoes I would put my energies into making this new life as good as it can be and getting through each day in one piece. rather than wasting energy trying to work out how to patch things up with someone who a) makes you miserable and b) was so aggressive you had to have him removed from your house at one time.

You've been very courageous to get shot of him and I think you're experiencing the doubts everyone goes through after making such a big decision. By telling your friend the full story (even if it included the past as well as the present) I think you were not only getting her support but also reminding yourself why you've made the right decision. We all need reassurance that we're doing the right thing.

I'm glad you're ready to stop drinking if it means you feel more in control. However, you shouldn't be frightened of what will come out of your mouth if it's the truth.

In six months time, I think you will feel stronger, happier, more confident and you will wonder what you ever saw in the man. Good luck

whitesugar Mon 15-Jul-13 18:22:01

Sorry to hear you are going through tough time. Is it any wonder you are confused. Who really knows what will happen next? There are a few things you can do in the meantime to help yourself like spend time and focus on your DC, ease off the booze, see your doctor, take medication and exercise to ward off depression, get decent night sleep, keep going to counselling, stop beating yourself up, contact debt advice regarding bills and reach out to friends and family who you maybe avoided because you were going through hell at home.

Stop worrying about your friend. Just ring her and explain that you were pissed and overwrought and ask her to keep it to herself. Don't apologise too much, you are only human.

You don't know what is going to happen but you can be kinder to yourself. Treat yourself gently this is a tough time. I know it's hard but try to take each day at a time. You are not the only one going through this and you stand a good chance of surviving it. Accept that life can sometimes be really hard and recognise that sometimes we have to plough through lots of shit. If you ever feel really desperate reach out and contact someone. Good luck, try to be your own best friend.

evaeoin Mon 15-Jul-13 22:56:03

am feeling a bit calmer. went to see friend and had a long chat. between us we came up with a psychotherapist that might be able to help me sort my head out. she is a great friend who laid alot of stuff out for me. she said that my issues have been going back 20 years (i have been through a few big things over the years). she made an excellent point that if i dont sort out my self esteem issues etc that even if i do divorce and meet someone else the same cycle with probably only continue into the next relationship. wise words indeed and def food for thought.
alot of what happened with h was his fault of course but i was very spineless and weak and allowed him to walk all over me time after time and in so many different ways.

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