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Rebuilding trust, then this . .

(112 Posts)
Moreofthesame Fri 21-Jun-13 06:33:10

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

bodiddly Fri 21-Jun-13 06:45:50

So sorry to hear he has let you down again. My first thought though was why on earth he didn't clear the history? Do you think he might want to get caught on some level?

doormat Fri 21-Jun-13 06:51:16

Couldnt he of done his searches in his workplace

Imho i think he wants you to find out what he is doing...his trail of evidence displays this

Either he wants to subconciously tell you that he still wants to carry on having affairs or whether or not you are still checking up on him....i reckon the first one in all honesty...

He will never change not matter how much he or you tries...

Down to you whether you can change you views or leave the bastard...

Hugs and flowers sent for a very stressful time for you ...bless you xxx

DuchessFanny Fri 21-Jun-13 06:54:54

No, married men don't normally search these sites ... Unless they want an extra marital affair that is ... I am SO sorry you are going through this, but I think you may be onto something when you say, 'he is bored of being good, and waited for the dust to settle' ... You are better than this, deserve more than this -- here to hand hold for the usual brilliant advice to follow, but i'm afraid i am of the LTB train of thought, how could you ever relax or trust him again ??

tribpot Fri 21-Jun-13 06:59:11

Surely you must accept that whilst 'married men' might surf these sites without it going any further, someone with your DH's history, who is supposed to be trying to mend his relationship, shouldn't be.

I'm surprised that you don't have a cast iron agreement that if he messes around again, you will LTB. When you say you've been working on rebuilding trust, has this involved him taking full and sole blame for his affairs? Do you have an agreement of complete honesty about the affairs and their aftermath? Can you just go and ask him what the browser history means, or are you afraid there's more to find that he will conceal if he is confronted too early?

Change2013 Fri 21-Jun-13 07:00:10

So sorry you are facing this. I am also of the opinion that it will continue based on my experience. I forgave and tried to move on, only to find ten years later that he had been lying about the extent of his affairs and had started a new one.

You deserve better (and that's what I keep telling myself too).

Chubfuddler Fri 21-Jun-13 07:04:06

It is simple I'm afraid. His actions show he deep down has no respect for you. In your own words he has been waiting for the dust to settle. You have gone through agonies to rebuild your marriage and he has gone through the motions.

Leave or live and die this way. He won't change. He doesn't want to.

Moreofthesame Fri 21-Jun-13 07:19:34

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Chubfuddler Fri 21-Jun-13 07:23:25

It sounds like he is pushing at the boundaries to see what he can get away with (if discovered he provably would plead he was just looking and that doesn't count).

I'm really sorry op but the situation seems clear.

FlatCapAndAWhippet Fri 21-Jun-13 07:23:46

You can't rebuild trust with someone who shows absolutely no commitment to the cause.....

All this mans behaviour will do is eat away at you, I speak from experience. I left him four years ago, he still continues to behave in the way he always has, the difference being my dd (5 yo) and I are so far removed from it we couldn't care less. Happy days.

Good luck.

CityTiliDie Fri 21-Jun-13 07:27:51

Dont leave him.

Let him carry on with his affairs.

Let him risk his and your sexual health.

He wont change.

Show your DC how to have a 'proper' relationship.

AttilaTheMeerkat Fri 21-Jun-13 07:29:15

What do you get out of this relationship now?. What really does keep you within this, is some emotional need of yours being met here?.

You've already told him that it was one more strike then you're out, time to follow through now. You may well have wanted to fix things but he clearly does not and wishes to continue as he has done to date.

I cannot see any reason for remaining with him now particularly if you do have children. They are learning from the two of you about relationships and both of you are currently teaching them damaging lessons.

Moreofthesame Fri 21-Jun-13 07:31:46

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Moreofthesame Fri 21-Jun-13 07:32:53

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AttilaTheMeerkat Fri 21-Jun-13 07:34:29

No, there can't be an innocent explanation here. He actively went looking for such sites, no-one forced him to do that. He chose to do that, he typed the words in.

No to going away with him tomorrow night either. Why prolong this agony for yourself?.

So what do you get out of this relationship now?.

AttilaTheMeerkat Fri 21-Jun-13 07:35:32

It is not your fault that he is so very weak.

FennCara Fri 21-Jun-13 07:40:15

I've been in your position, here's what I wish I'd done:

Tell him to go. He wants to shag around? Go and do so.

Even if you feel you are essentially pushing him into open legs, you aren't. He'll do it anyway. All you are doing is proving to him that he will lose you if he behaves this way.

You condone it if you don't show him the consequences.

I know how hard it is, but talking, trusting, clinging doesn't help. He's shown you that. So sorry he's put you in this position.

newbiefrugalgal Fri 21-Jun-13 07:41:05

Sorry OP but he is obviously not committed like you to saving this marriage. I know you said it's complicated to just leave (and I personally do I understand this) but this is not normal behaviour.

You don't have to stay with him.
How many more things does he have to do. This is a strike to me.

Moreofthesame Fri 21-Jun-13 07:42:29

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MadAboutHotChoc Fri 21-Jun-13 07:51:59

He didn't work on himself really did he?

Did he go to counselling?

Did he do any reading e.g Shirley Glass, Linda McDonald, Frank Pittman etc?

Did he explore his own issues, beliefs, coping mechanisms and traits to address what made him justify cheating in this way?

Basically what happened is that he got caught, said sorry, and then waited until the dust settled before cheating again.

FlatCapAndAWhippet Fri 21-Jun-13 07:56:15

You would feel so much relief to free yourself from this situation. I also felt very strongly that I would not allow my little girl to grow up with this surrounding her.

Oh and just to add, he isn't wonderful, wonderful people don't behave like this.

Moreofthesame Fri 21-Jun-13 08:03:13

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Chubfuddler Fri 21-Jun-13 08:14:35

It's not you, it's him. Why? Because he can. You wouldn't do it, I wouldn't do it, but we could. Anyone could find the opportunity to chest if they wanted to. He does want to so he did.

AThingInYourLife Fri 21-Jun-13 08:16:41

Why not go and find someone new and exciting yourself to have sex with?

You might as well enjoy being in a non-monogamous marriage.

Xales Fri 21-Jun-13 08:32:40

OK so you don't want to be told to LTB.

In that case go and get a full spectrum of the STI checks to makes sure that his affair and multiple ONSs have not already infected you.

Don't have sex with him again without a condom ever. If you have any sort of sexual contact oral etc make sure you are checked over every 3 to 6 months just in case?

Ask him not to bother telling you about his working day, what he has done, where he has been, what time he will be home. Its the only way you will know he isn't lying to you.

Accept that he may in his way love you but he doesn't give a shit about your personal or mental well being.

Don't bother going away to celebrate your marriage. What's the point?

Become more miserable, stressed and I'll and finally he will leave you for one of the women he shags as every ounce of joy and happiness has been sucked out of you.

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