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I love him, but am I strong enough? I think its depression... Please help..

(18 Posts)
dippyeggs Thu 20-Jun-13 14:09:36

I have been seeing my bf for 18m.

Passionate very loving very happy but sadly often unhappy relationship. This is due to mainly his past, which involves a messy prolonged split from his ex and his pain in not seeing his kids all the time.

He drinks to manage depression. He works every hour possible, seeing his kids every other weekend but working the 12 days straight in between. He has to do this.

6 months ago we committed to try properly and very slowly integrated our family lives (we both have 2 kids each aged between 4 and 12)

He stayed with me recently for a few weeks (work being done) to start with it was really great but his cycles of depression and drinking (staying up all hours, loss of interest in sex :-() became apparent.

Last week he was able to move home again but did so after a row where I pointed out the above issues.... I have tiptoed around things before to avoid this reaction.. He has completely regressed and withdrawn from me, saying he has let me down, and just feels too anxious to be in a relationship. He's unhappy all the time. Concedes happy moments are with me. But won't let me in.

I am bereft, my kids miss him, my whole world has caved in. Deep down I wonder am I strong enough to support him through this? I want to be but I have emotional needs, I'm not sure I'm strong enough..

He is also trying to sort out his communication and relationship with his ex so that they can speak and therefore parent together better, abd lay some stuff to rest. I encourage that and openly have supported it.

I feel I have been going round in circles for 18m. My gut says support him, be strong but also really questions whether I could live like that, with the fear of returning depression ....

How can I get him to see he needs professional help? When he talks to me that is!!!

I'm so torn, the roller coaster has been so prolonged and tortuous that I don't know what I want anymore but my sense of right and wrong means I struggle to just abandon him. I love the bones of him and am really fond of his kids (who I first met over a year ago). He says he loves me. It's been a week, he won't talk but still texts if I keep it non emotional and tells me where he's at with regards to meeting his ex to try talk. Big thing that.

We've shared so much...

Please, if you understand depression advise me what to do. Thank you.

I have just caved in and texted to say I can't cope without answers. Now I worry, no reply.. He's very low I need to find the strength to give him some proper space..

LemonPeculiarJones Thu 20-Jun-13 14:16:55

Sounds like he may be in talks to get back together with his ex, I'm afraid.

And even if it isn't that clear-cut, he is still broken due to the split and not ready for another commited relationship.

He's moved out, he's said he can't be in a relationship. Receive the information he is giving you. It's over and it cannot go anywhere.

Sorry, I know it hurts sad But for you and your kids take a deep breath and cut your emotional ties and expectations of this man.

AttilaTheMeerkat Thu 20-Jun-13 14:17:14

You cannot rescue or save anyone who does not want to be saved. You are too close to the situation to be of any real help to him, besides which he does not want your help.

You sound codependent on him and that emotional state is very unhealthy particularly in relationships.

Drinking to manage depression is itself not good - alcohol acts as a depressant and he may well be becoming physically dependent on alcohol.

Do you think he is doing as he says re trying to improve things between he and his ex. What do you know about his separation from his ex or is your knowledge of this solely from what he has told you?. I only ask as his ex wife may well have a very different take on this whole matter.

AttilaTheMeerkat Thu 20-Jun-13 14:18:34

I feel you've been cast as the rebound person to his ex.

Let him go for your sake as well as your childrens'.

dippyeggs Thu 20-Jun-13 14:27:49

He has shared the whole ex story. She cheated, he went back several times. It's was an abusive relationship, still is. He knows he played a part in the break up as became unable to communicate. Agree there is baggage he has been trying to overcome. We discuss, resolve etc.

They split 3 years ago.

They can't talk to make arrangements for the kids. Very destructive.

He is ill. I probably can't help just feel should try.

dippyeggs Thu 20-Jun-13 14:30:22

He knows alcohol makes it worse, that he abuses it. Struggles to sleep.

He needs counselling just wondered if anyone knew of the right way to support him. While staying away and protecting myself!!!

Dahlen Thu 20-Jun-13 14:30:59

This isn't about you supporting him through depression; it's about him not being remotely ready to embark on a new relationship.

I know it's hard, but for all your sakes I think the best thing would be to cut your losses.

It really shouldn't be this hard this short a time into a relationship.

MNiscold Thu 20-Jun-13 14:38:34

What you are offering him is wonderful, generous, and probably impossible. He needs to work on himself before he will be able to be an equal partner in a relationship, and do you really want an unequal partner? I have several alcoholic relatives, and what you are describing sounds like that is what he is dealing with. Depression and alcoholism often go together, and do not change until the person makes a huge effort to be very disciplined about changing what they do. In the meantime, he will take you down with him. Many alcoholics/depressed people have wonderful qualities; that doesn't make them good partners.

dippyeggs Thu 20-Jun-13 14:41:53

Thant you iscold

He has wonderful qualities.

Think he is trying to make the change, I struggle to understand it has to be alone.

LemonPeculiarJones Thu 20-Jun-13 19:34:51

You do sound a lovely person.

But he wants to do this alone because he doesn't want to be in a relationship with you. He just doesn't, for whatever reason. So he's moved out. And he doesn't even want much contact. It's over.

It really is time to let go. Do you have RL support around you?

janesnowdon1 Thu 20-Jun-13 19:52:31

Have a read of this thread from yesterday

I would let him have his space and tell him he must seek professional help from a GP and be prepared to be honest - there is no other forward for you both. The other posters are right - he needs to want to save himself - it is so hard but you cannot save him - only point him in the right direction

janesnowdon1 Thu 20-Jun-13 19:52:54 sorry forgot covert link

waddlecakes Thu 20-Jun-13 20:20:49

My heart really goes out to you....using the word 'bereft'...know that you're not alone in feeling this way. I hope you'll be alright. xx

dippyeggs Thu 20-Jun-13 21:16:30

Thank you. Especially for the link to the other thread. All very familiar, i am convinced he is ill, he admits he is just wont accept advice.

It's been the lack of closure I have struggled with. He is still interacting with me just ignores me if I ask anything emotional. Because he can't deal with that.

Have had such a tough day. Feel slightly better ATM but know the demons await me...

Asked him to contact me re collecting his stuff.
Gonna try just to get on with my own life.

whitesugar Thu 20-Jun-13 22:02:02

Hi Dippy, sorry to hear you are going through this, it's not very nice and I hope you are ok. I am very recently single because EXP was aggressive to my teenage DS. Was in 10 month relationship after long time single with 2 teenage DC. I am sorry it didn't work out but know he wasn't the right person for me. We didn't live together but he was around a lot. Now that he isn't about I realise he was getting attention that I should have been giving to my DC.

I didn't realise I wasn't fully there for them when he was here but I do now. They told me it was different when he was around & they felt like they were losing me a bit even though they were happy I met someone. I am upset that it's over because I loved having adult male company & he has lots of good points. I hope it helps to know you are not alone going through this. Your EX sounds like he needs to be on his own. Try to focus on being concerned for yourself & enjoy the time with your DC. It may sound harsh but he is a grown man & you might just find that he copes surprisingly well on his own. You will never ever change his drinking & depression. He doesn't care enough to text to reassure you. Please try to put yourself & your family first because he won't do this for you.

I hope things get better for you. Other MN told me that feeling sorry for myself was a positive way to nurture myself. Spoil yourself & DC & try to have a laugh. If he is worth it he will fight to get you back. If he doesn't bother his arse he is not worth having. Get a good night's sleep!

dippyeggs Thu 20-Jun-13 23:28:29

Thank you white sugar. He just can't cope with any pressure or angst. You're right though, he's a grown man. Thanks again x

calmingtea Fri 21-Jun-13 07:04:39

Be nice to yourself and leave this relationship. The first thing you should do when you decide to start a relationship is to consider what will this man bring to my life. And it sounds like more negative things than good. His behaviour will affect you and will affect your children.

He sounds a lot like my XH tbh. Except this cycle of drink/depression was a key reason why the relationship ended. Alcoholism and depression go hand in hand, one can cause the other, and it is a bit chicken and egg. However, you say yourself your relationship is a rollercoaster. He is emotionally unavailable. He only will talk about his ex and his progress with her. THIS IS NOT NORMAL.

I can say hand on heart, you can't fix him, you can't love him better. He has to do this all on his own. You need to focus on you, what are you getting out of this relationship. The sex is crap, your emotional needs are unmet. If you stay, as it is, you will find yourself becoming more entangled and codependently involved, and this will cause you pain. Having done a relationship like that myself, I urge you run like the wind. You have no children together, you don't life together, you can't fix him. Find someone who can be the partner you want.

MadBusLady Fri 21-Jun-13 07:26:22

Rescuing people doesn't work. Not only can you not love him better. You cannot "support" him into loving you properly either. Rescuers tend to secretly hope that if they can only love/support someone into getting better, that person will suddenly see their true worth and be deeply grateful and fall in love with them in all the ways they have dreamed of.

I promise you, this does not happen.

You're kindly offering your services as an emotional crutch so he is continuing to use you as a sounding board about his ex. But that does not mean he sees a future with you, it is not a "big thing" in the sense of signifying that he is committed to you. It implies just the opposite. It's costing you emotionally and you're not getting, and won't get, any reward whatsoever. Not the kind you really want, anyway.

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