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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

How do i get over being selfish and control freakish and wanting things done MY WAY?

26 replies

juicychops · 15/06/2013 21:46

me and bf have been together a long time yet still dont live together.

he recently lost his job and so has been spending a lot of time at mine. It used to be 4-5 evenings per week when he had a job, but now he's been at mine all day and all night during the week and then most of the weekend too as his kids have not wanted to see him much the last few weeks as they have wanted to spend their weekends with their friends.

I feel completely suffocated. I have tried to explain to him i need my own space and like my own company and need the odd evening to myself cos otherwise it gets too much being around people all the time.

because ive lived on my own with ds for so long im in the habit of being very particular about everything. i want things done in certain ways.

over the last 6 weeks since he lost his job bf has been doing my head in with his habits and the way HE does things. if i make a mess with something its ok if i dont tidy it up straight away, but if bf makes a mess it sets me on edge and i cant relax. His washing up isnt up to my standard, he leaves tea towels around the house, he doesn't put his clothes where i would like him to put them, he isn't organized, he moves my stuff around after he's used it etc

i know these are all normal things that most couples have to deal with so i know he's not really doing anything wrong, but where im so set in my ways its hard to ignore all this stuff. i feel like my space has been invaded. But if we are going to think about living together in the near future i need to get over this stuff.

Im alone tonight thank GOD as ive really needed a night to myself, but i do miss him a bit, although im enjoying the place to myself.

any ideas how i can stop this irrational stress?

OP posts:

Report

betterthanever · 15/06/2013 21:50

I don't think him being so needy at the moment is helping anything. Your tolerance levels are low but then you may just not be compatible. You will only know with some time out. I need to get better that myself but you do need to set some boundaries about him being at your house more than you want him to be. If he takes the hump at that then he isn't right for you. Good luck and enjoy your time to yourself.

ChippingInWiredOnCoffee · 15/06/2013 21:51

Well - you are probably feeling very invaded because that's what has happened!! You haven't agreed to live together in shared space - he's just messing up and rearranging YOUR space.

You sound organised and reasonably tidy - he sounds messy and not as organised or hygenic and I couldn't deal with that.

Tell him to respect your wishes in your house. Things go where you want them, he tidies up after himself immediately, he puts his clothes where you want them put etc - any whinging and you can remind him he has HIS OWN PLACE.

Be firm about your 'time out' too - you haven't agreed to live with him yet, don't have it imposed on you before you are ready.

ChippingInWiredOnCoffee · 15/06/2013 21:52

FWIW - I don't think your tolerance levels are low - I'd have shot him by now :)

joanofarchitrave · 15/06/2013 21:54

I think if you don't want him to be at your house more than X amount, you need to tell him so. Otherwise he will be wondering why the hell things are so tense.

You do run the risk of him concluding that if you only want him around under limited circumstances and that him being in your house drives you a bit mad, that you don't love him very much and it isn't the relationship he wants.

juicychops · 15/06/2013 21:57

ha ha i have thought about causing him some serious harm more than once!

i think its because he lives at his mum and dads which he hates and thats why he has been spending so much time at mine, so i feel bad sending him back there. i have explained to him recently that i need my own space to watch what i want and to just be on my own, but he thinks he's doing enough by watching tv in the bedroom for a few hours and letting me watch what i want on tv for a while. He's not like me so i dont think he really gets it.

OP posts:

pictish · 15/06/2013 21:57

Well...I think he has invaded you!

And I also think you're not ready for a live in relationship with this guy. You might want to take this as an indicayion of how it's going to be.

pictish · 15/06/2013 21:59

He gets it fine, but he'd rather stick to his own agenda thank you, which is putting the squeezers on you.

juicychops · 15/06/2013 22:02

also, he doesn't have any friends (he has 1 but doesn't see him often) and he has no hobbies so he never goes out. if he did then i dont think id feel as bad.

these last 6 weeks have made me think do i really want to live with him? i do really love him and can see myself with him forever, but it would be so nice if we could either live apart forever, or have a big house where we arnt under eachother's feet constantly!!

it will take a lot of adjusting when we do live together. but i think i would be like it with anyone. its just being around another person/people for long periods of time i struggle with. i need time to just 'be' on my own sitting relaxing with space to myself

OP posts:

betterthanever · 15/06/2013 22:04

Just to clarify that by saying your tolerance levels are low, I meant he has driven them down, not that you usually have low tolerance levels ah and he lives with Mum and Dad now cocklodger is a great word I picked up on here.. if he hates it that much why doesn't he get his own place?

pictish · 15/06/2013 22:04

You're not ready for a live in relationship matey.

pictish · 15/06/2013 22:05

And furthermore I can'r say as I would recommend one with this wet blanket anyway.
He'll smother the life out of you.

betterthanever · 15/06/2013 22:07

he has no friends? why not? red flag for me.... and no hobbies? run juicy, run......
I get like you feel sometimes about things and I have been with DS on my own a long time and do wonder what you are wondering.. but then I realise... nope I just don't really like being with them that much (not that there has been that many, well hardly any). I would imagine that if you do like them the time you spends builds up and you want it to?

pictish · 15/06/2013 22:08

So...no job, no home of his own, no friends, no hobbies.
Sounds a real catch!

pictish · 15/06/2013 22:09

And yet here you are asking us how you can change yourself to be more accommodating.

Have a wee think about that for me will you? x

joanofarchitrave · 15/06/2013 22:18

I can only say, in the strongest possible terms, DO NOT be the only friend and hobby of a person without them.

pictish · 15/06/2013 22:22

Well put joan.

Anniegetyourgun · 15/06/2013 22:46

Previous thread about this gentleman

betterthanever · 15/06/2013 22:59

How do you find previous threads from people - Juicy bin the boy please.

pictish · 15/06/2013 22:59

Ah ok.
OP - you're clinging on by your fingernails, but let me tell you - you need to let go now. There is more to life than this. So much more.

ChippingInWiredOnCoffee · 15/06/2013 23:37

Oh for the love of god woman - he's a total waste of space & you can do better. Send the Manchild back to his parents and start a new search for Mr Wonderful. I said that back in February and you are still putting up with him...come on.

BelaLug0si · 16/06/2013 01:07

The linked thread is from Feb last year, so it doesn't appear to be improving.

NatashaBee · 16/06/2013 01:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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WhiteBirdBlueSky · 16/06/2013 01:14

He is annoying you because you don't want to be with him. That's the way it's coming across.

AgentZigzag · 16/06/2013 02:42

I had someone I used to see who stopped over a fair bit, and I felt so weighed down by him being there I had to tell him to fuck the fuck off I needed him to go home (also living at his parents still).

It was just so intense, feeling I had to 'entertain' him, (ie talk) that I had to reference whether he was OK or not, that he upset the routine I had on my own and enjoyed.

I really did love him, passionately, even bordering on the obsessive at times (), but I couldn't be the person I was when I was on my own when he was there. And he expected things from me (ie talking) which I had trouble delivering.

But when I met DH, there wasn't any difference between me being on my own and him being round. He didn't intrude in any way, he actually (and at the time I was a bit gobsmacked by it) enhanced being in the flat on my own.

This bloke's not for you long term. You shouldn't make plans (or pretend it's otherwise) with someone who grates like fuck on you.

You're just setting yourself up to be uncomfortable and never feel content, you're in love with the idea of being together rather than the reality.

amazingmumof6 · 16/06/2013 05:17

marking place as a recovering perfectionist

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