Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
Advice required(26 Posts)
My wife and I have been married for about 11 months and are now expecting our first baby late this year. Things have at times been difficult and I'm not sure if its me being unreasonable or the Mrs We've had an on-going disagreement over our Wedding day and the preparations. I've a brother who's a very experienced Wedding photographer and knowing he's had a very difficult time of it lately decided that he could have duel roles as photographer and Best Man (we're close and I wouldn't have wanted it any other way). Needless to say the Wedding photos weren't that great because he worked himself ragged. DW however has never forgiven me (despite my apologies and my honest admission that it was a bit much for him). We've had many arguments along the lines of me thinking of my brother needs instead of hers and how I can't be trusted with "other things" as I made such a mess up. I've kept the basics to a minimum but will explain should anyone ask
I agree with Francescabell's point that, in isolation, poor wedding photos are not something you dissolve a new marriage over. So either it's a 'last straw' thing and there is a lot more wrong with this relationship than you think (trust, loyalty, priorities, resentment) .... or.... she's the type of person that drags up every old grievance, whether it's relevant or not, every time you fall-out in order to escalate it into a massive fight. Either way I don't think passively 'sucking it up' is doing you any favours.
I've read your post again and a couple of other things have occurred to me.
Firstly, you say your brother is an experienced wedding photographer. I don't mean this to sound harsh but that doesn't mean he is any good, or that his style of photography was right for you and your wife.
Secondly, and far more significantly, you say in your post 'I wouldn't have had it any other way'. This is why it is still an issue for your wife. Not only did you place your brother in higher regard than your wife on your wedding day but you show no regret or remorse about it. Sorry, but I don't think your apologies mean anything until you address the fact you've got crap photos because you just had to have things your brother's way and wouldn't do it differently a second time.
Seriously, you two need couples counselling before the baby comes.
(I can almost see your wife's thought process with the next big event in your lives - your baby's arrival - "oh my goodness what if his mother wants to be there for the birth? I don't want that but will he pick her wishes over mine because he did that with the effing wedding photos?" and "I bloody hope one of his cousins isn't going to claim to be a carpenter and want to build our nursery furniture, remember what happened the last time he agreed for a family member to 'help'". Can you see how this is about much more than just the photos?)
I'm not sure if it is helpful to tell him it his wife that wedding photos aren't a big deal and that other people's wedding days are tiresome until feeding time, as the photos obviously are important to the OP's wife.
A wedding is normally the first big thing a couple makes major decisions on as a unit. If she placed importance on having a good photographer to document the day during the planning process and you went over her to use your brother then yes, you did pick your brother over your wife.
Now pregnant, she will be concerned you will always pick someone else's wishes over hers, even though you come as a couple and should work as a team. You need to help her see that you hold her in equal if not higher importance to your brother. I'm not sure how you do that but perhaps a few sessions of couples counselling might do it.
As a previous poster said this is about more than the photos (although it is a permanent reminder of the time you didn't feel her wishes were important enough).
Do people look at their wedding photos?
I bet they're the same tedious fools that starve their guests whilst buggering off to a 'picturesque' location.
Really, other people's weddings are very boring. Joy that you felt the love. The poor bastards that had to endure your 'special thing' were just waiting for the feed.
Probable back story here. Were the photos the only thing you took on as regards the wedding? Which you then got wrong by choosing the wrong person for the job? If so, this is not just about the photos.
I also think if you continue to call your wife 'The Mrs' and can't even be precise about how many months you've been married, this might be further pointers about why your new marriage is hitting problems so early.
I'm surprised people commenting on this aren't reading between the lines a bit more and are rushing to accuse a woman of being a bridezilla diva.
Does anyone seriously think a pregnant woman gets to the point of almost dissolving her new marriage over a set of photos??? Way to miss the point.
"My wedding photos are under the bed."
Good for you RhondaJean, mine aren't.
I hate people who belittle something that is of value to someone else, just because they themselves don't value it.
Of course memories are important. But my wedding photos are a valuable record of the best day of my life, including pics of family members who are no longer with us, as well as family I don't see often as they live thousands of miles away. There is a lot of significance to my photos. And I treasure them. That doesn't make me a "diva" or a "perfectionist", or "ridiculously fussy".
YANBU. The wedding and marriage is more important than the photos. At least she has photos and nothing went wrong to stop there being any. Is she a bit of a diva? Or perhaps a perfectionist? Its time for her to move on and stop harbouring silly grudges.
My wedding photos are under the bed.
What a ridiculous fuss about nothing! Seriously, the way some women get away with behaving over weddings is ridiculous.
They aren't five year olds whose birthday cake has just fallen on the floor. They are grown adults who have had something minor not quite work out the way they wanted it to. If the groom hadn't turned up, or god forbid like someone I know they had a parent die during the reception, fair enough.
In no time at all wedding pics look ridiculously dated. Memories are better! But maybe some of the guests have some really nice pics of the bride?
Just so we can understand better, how heavily did you have to lean on her during the wedding preps to get her to agree to the arrangement - was she dead against it but you over-ruled her, or did neither of you really realise that it wouldn't work but it's 'your fault' as you suggested it? Either way, apologies - without attempts to downplay her upset - seem to be the way forward.
And to mazzledazzle, you must actually be joking! A LOT of people care about wedding pics. Other than my actual husband, our pics are the thing I cared about most from the day.
She sounds charming - maybe its pregnancy hormones!
I think in time the wedding pictures will become much less of an issue. In fact I think it could be something to laugh about in the future (although don't be the first to start laughing about them).
Having said that I remember obsessing over the album, insisting that we py for x amount of extra photos when my dh was trying to steer me to keeping costs down and not overdoing it. Hw was right of course but you cannot tell a bride that!
It is worth baring in mind that your dw is pregnant and therefore very hormonal atm. I think you need to just nod in agreement if she brings it up, I can't see anything else working.
Who cares about the wedding pics?
Oh ouch! The honest answer to that Mazzle is a lot of people, in my family it is normal to give framed copies of one of the main photographs to close family (parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins if you're particularly close). I would have been devastated and embarrassed if the photographs of my wedding day were poor, so I can certainly identify with how OP's DW may be feeling if the pictures were very important to her.
OP, hormones are probably not helping matters atm. Make it clear that you know you messed up, don't try and justify it at all and suggest a professional family portrait when DC1 is maybe 6 months/a year old (so your DW feels she had time to get her figure back and really look her best).
Your wife needs to get over it! Who cares about the wedding pics? Yes it was disappointing for her, and you, I'm sure, but enough is enough. Wedding days are over-rated. There are much more important things in life. Buy her a voucher for a photographer. Tell her you understand it will not make up for ruining the wedding photos. Apologise and agree to never mention it again. Yes you made a mistake, but it's wrong of her to keep bringing it up all this time later. As a pregnant/post-natal woman I went from annoyed to furious to hysterical in seconds over the tiniest of things tho, so it could be hormones, but for heaven's sake, don't suggest that to her!
IMHO you're both in the wrong.... some women dream about this day most their life.
Asking your brother to do both wasn't wisest move. You weren't marrying your brother, this was her day. Being a best man is a huge task in itself, if he wanted to take photos, fine but possibly should have hired another photographer.
I see both your sides.
I think why she's holding on is that you are saying things as...*but my Brother would been heartbroken and he's always supported me. So why not give him a reason to smile when he was having his own problems?*
This was Her day, not his... Might be wise to stop saying that to her. That might be what's winding her up.
Just perhaps say sorry, made a huge mistake, I love you and I can't change what happened but don't want this to affect our future?? The add in Sarah's advice to do photos again?
Just my 2p
Yes it was too much Overture, but my Brother would been heartbroken and he's always supported me. So why not give him a reason to smile when he was having his own problems?
Thanks Hells. I understand that the pictures were disappointing, but it's been the source of high argument since the day, even almost breaking us up on the odd occasion. I've a very high tolerance, but It's driven me to tears before. It's mainly the fact that I choose the feeling of a close brother over her that I'm unworthy of trust. I think that's controlling, but being a gentle type of guy I suck it up.
Thanks Sarah. Surely with a baby on the way we've got better things to worry about then some Wedding pics. If my brother found out he'd be devastated.
I think it might have been abit too much asking him to be best man and wedding photographer. As proof of the photos.
But its done now, well nearly a year. We all make mistakes tbh its not good for her to hold a grudge just starting out a marriage.
Perhaps ask her what you can do to move past this?
Others will chime in soon with better advice I'm sure.
Good Luck and congrats on soon to be baby.
marriage guidance? offer to dress up and get some photos done with new baby then tell her to stop going on about wedding photos?
No not the wrong place at all.
IMO, she needs to let this go.
What's happened has happened and nothing anyone does or says is going to change it.
However, she is pregnant and her hormones are all over the place and you do have make extra special allowances for that.
Have you actuallly sat down and discussed it in a calm manner with no other distractions?
Is this it or are there other things that have you a bit worried?
Join the discussion
Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.Register now
Already registered with Mumsnet? Log in to leave your comment or alternatively, sign in with Facebook or Google.
Please login first.