Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Is this love?

(16 Posts)
Lifeisforlivingkatie Mon 27-May-13 20:32:29

Following on from a previous post. We are both late thirties, I am divorced with 2 dc he has never married. It took him 8 months to tell me he loved me despite being extremely loving,respecting, and better to my kids than their dad will ever be.he has only ever lived with his University girlfriend up to his mid twenties. 3 girlfriends in 10 years longest lasting 7months.

We have been together nearly two years and we could not be happier. He spends every weekend with us and at least 3 nights in the week. As a keen athlete this has been quite a change for him as his life was all about work and sport until we met. He made the decision not to play sport on the weekend apart from tournaments.which are not frequent.

He mentioned his parents being racist in our early days,about a year ago he was going to introduce me to them and on the day he decided he wanted us to stop seeing each other. (I asked why at the time and he said it was because i had decided to move to another city and he did not want to move back to London and woking in the city. He moved to our city two weeks before we met and this was a year later.

We split up for a week and decided to get back together. At that point I had already moved and he was travelling two hours every weekend to see us.we split up for a week and decided to get back together. I asked him if he loved me at the time and he said yes, he just did not know what to do about our situation.

Anyway the career move I was making did not work out. I had moved to set up a new branch for my business, the business here started suffering so in January this year I moved back. Our relationship continues to be loving,

However he has not told me he loves me apart from insinuating it. The last time we had a big conversation about our future and meeting his family he said. He is not ready yet, he said he does not need his parents approval (he ha not seen then since our mini break) he spends Christmas, Easter holidays and any other holidays with us.

He also mentioned that he has bought me a watch, earrings and I may get something else....

He knows I want him to tell me he loves me and discuss our future but no joy.. I have stopped saying it now.

I gave him the option to stop seeing me if he does not see us living together as a couple some day. This was about 3 months ago. It was the only nearly argument we have had this year. He left and went back to his flat.he came back that evening his loving self.

We have discussed children and he says he is not keen, he likes that we have mine and enjoys doing things with my ds and I. Dd has lots of her own interests these days although she joins I too.

Nothing has been said children are ds7 and dd 17. Please tell me if you think we have a future(living together or married) I am I being selfish?

LemonPeculiarJones Mon 27-May-13 20:49:11

Sorry but I think the relationship sounds really negative and hurtful sad

He sounds very ambivalent from your description. It's all very well him being terribly nice when he's around; he is making you feel so insecure. He's withholding (refusing to say he loves you) which is a form of control.

And then the hints about the ring? Anyone who refused to tell me they loved me, then hinted about a ring, would be told to fuck off. You should be so lucky, mate angry

The whole racism thing is vile, too. Sounds like you've been left in a vague state about that. As if he decided to stop seeing you because he thought, no, the folks would never accept her. What the fuck? How dare he? He placed their disgusting views over his feelings for you.

Urgh. I don't like this man at all.

You sound nice though. Honestly, why put up with it?

babadabadoo Mon 27-May-13 21:21:46

I this really seals it for me 3 girlfriends in 10 years longest lasting 7months. and he is in his late 30s?? sounds a bit odd. he sounds extremely childish not introducing you to his family - and what is that nonsense about the jewelry? like you can hug a present in bed? i dont understand how talking about gifts conveys any sort of advancement in a relationship. what is the whole racist angle? that alone is very rude. if it has got to the point where you have stopped asking him about your future together then that speaks volumes, you now have nowhere to go and you are treading water. I am sure you are wanting to take next step and you are thinking long, long term - from what you have said this guy sounds like hes wasting your time. it also sounds like you provide a warm nest for him within which he can fly into when he feels like. you also sounds like you almost grateful for his time and affection. sorry to hear he is behaving this way, i would be very upset and i think you really need to make a tough call on this so you can be single once again and put your energies into something you can hold onto! sorry dont have more positive thought on what youve written. have to agree with poster above you sound so nice hope you find peace of mind on this ... please dont waste next few years on this man expecting him to change that late 30s getting into very stuck in your ways age group!

robyn2 Mon 27-May-13 22:57:47

babadabadoo has said it all! I have an awful feeling though that you could so easily end up drifting along like this for an awful long time, i hope im wrong and that you will find the strength to walk away? This man may be a nice guy who is in many ways making you happy but im sorry to say he is having his cake and eating it and does clearly not love you to the moon and back because if he did you wouldnt be having these issues and feeling like you do!! Get rid and give your self a chance to meet someone who really loves you, someone who you know is mad about you and is deserving of you! Dont drift along settling for 2nd best, life is too short.

Lifeisforlivingkatie Mon 27-May-13 23:00:57

I agree the late thirties thing is an issue, however I have a close friend who met a man in his fourtie,s never married and no girlfriend to write home about. They are happy with toe dc. I am not grateful for his affection, I deserve it.. My point really is if people have experienced love from someone who shows it rather than say it? Whatever conversation that went one with his parents, he has not seen them since. They live an hour away but he does not see them since the incident.

Lifeisforlivingkatie Mon 27-May-13 23:04:57

Thank you guys, so how long is I drifting along, a month, two months, a year? How long would you give a relationship before walking away due to lack of commitment.

Lweji Tue 28-May-13 01:12:39

I'm sorry but I have to agree with the other pps.

All this coming and going cannot be healthy for you, but it depends on what you want.

If you are looking to commitment (as in living together or marriage), you could set a time by which you would want to know where you stand and stick to it.

Lweji Tue 28-May-13 01:13:18

I think the time is up to you, really. How long are you prepared to wait?

babadabadoo Tue 28-May-13 04:31:04

walk away immediately you have wasted enough of your energies on this man already and you deserve so much better! tell him straight and cut him off completely - then you will discover how serious he is

ofmiceandmen Tue 28-May-13 12:44:44

it may help if you clarify the race issue. You have mentioned it a few times in this post and clearly see it as an issue.
The convenient break up on the day you were due to meet his parents and the fact that he has lost contact with them over what I can only assume is an issue related to you does seem ominous.

If you are indeed your relationship with him is the sticking point then I would really feel its impossible for him to commit. You may be asking him to choose between you (and dc's) and his family.

I would never advise someone to walk away before all the facts were considered however there are some "non moveable" issues that no matter how much you love someone will always exist.

When we finally gave birth (well she did but you know what i mean) the first thing my ex asked was "will he get any lighter" I remember that crest fallen look, ditto for our second, all whilst SIL was giving birth to a blue eyed beauty. What followed was PND, a world falling apart, single parenting, court fights and a man slowly rebuilding now reading MN.

Look before you take that step. If you have doubts now and so many thoughts - does he doesn't he, how will it be when the brown stuff truly hits the fan.

Will you be able to rely on him and his family then?

babadabadoo Tue 28-May-13 18:15:55

ofmiceandmen that is truly heartbreaking - this snow white syndrome is just so vacant! sick

Lifeisforlivingkatie Tue 28-May-13 19:11:36

Thank you for views, I agree that people should just not jump ship at the first sign of trouble as no one is perfect out there, last time I looked, I did not see good men growing on trees. However some issues cannot be ignored.

Yes I can 100 percent say I can rely on him anyway or time of the week, or situation, there is nothing he won't do for me. Even if I was I'll he would be on my side, hence the reason I am confused a out his lack of verbal declarations of love. he practically lives with us but does not mention moving in full time.

My ex husband told me he loved me withing two weeks from when we met, we married a year later. it turned out he was cheating and paying someone/sometimes two people on the same go. One of the women brought upon herself to tell me. painful at the time but lucky for me. Who knows what illnesses I would have picked. he still says he loves me now!

Dahlen Tue 28-May-13 19:29:35

Have you pressed the issue and insisted that it gets resolved in the here and now, rather than simply broaching it and letting him have control over when (or even if) he responds?

Reasonable people with good boundaries who respect other people's boundaries recognise that some things need to be thought about and some decisions made after careful consideration. That's all well and good, but if only one of you is reasonable and the other is a non-confrontational manipulator, all you're doing is giving the other person the ammunition thy need to keep you on the back foot without ever committing to anything. That's the impression I'm getting from this. I think it's time to stop being so patient and demand some answers. He's had long enough to mull over it.

As for the element of racism. That would be a deal breaker in my book. Even if he has stood up for you against his parents subsequently, the fact that he even felt there was a case to answer originally (manufacturing the argument on the day you were to visit) is highly worrying. He may lose his racist streak while he considers you an equal and while you are not dependent on him in any way, but with someone like that, the minute you made yourself vulnerable or in someway (in his eyes) 'lesser', race would be a way in which he would exercise his sense of entitlement over you, perhaps without even being aware of it.

GingerJulep Tue 28-May-13 20:19:34

"It took him 8 months to tell me he loved me" and "However he has not told me he loves me apart from insinuating it" - so, has he said it or not?

Or has he just not said it since you decided to move locations without consulting him?

He seems to be very committed to both you and your DC in terms of time and sacrificing his relationship with his parents.

Do you want him to move in right now? Or do you just want to build castles in the sky together? Either might be fine. But not everyone will see the point of the second.

If you really want more commitment now and would rather not have him than have him uncommitted you could try just asking him to move in on such and such a date, no? (You'll need to think about how to make his living arrangements secure - no good if he sells/rents his place out or looses the contract on somewhere he is renting etc and then you split - perhaps better to find a rented place together if you can without too much disruption for the DCs?)

Lifeisforlivingkatie Tue 28-May-13 20:44:54

Thank you for the comment, he told me ha loved me after 8 months together, he said a couple of time after too.

Insinuating has been since our short break up not prior. I asked him the day we got back together and he said he did. With hindsight I did not deal with the decision to move very wisely. I did not realise just how much he hated the city and surbebia.

We talked about this this weekend. I casually mentioned buying a place together next year and his comment was ( shouldn't we wait until you finish paying your ex off before we think of buying a house?)

Yes you heard right, I was the bread winner in my previous marriage and I had to pay him settlement and buy his share of the family home. I currently have tenants renting the house whilst I rent somewhere else. I think my desire to relocate was largely the need to move away from that house.

GingerJulep Tue 28-May-13 22:22:11

Ah, that makes more sense about the saying thing now :-) I'd say he was pretty hurt by the move thing/shaken by the parents and is a bit 'in his shell' since then, no? Time, and you making more joint decisions now, may be all you can do to fix that unless you think a conversation around 'I'm sorry I did that then, these days I'd never do it without understanding your view first' type of thing might help. I'd probably do that because I'm an active person, but that doesn't mean it would suit everyone!

Nothing wrong with female bread winners (I am one as it happens).

Quite understand your DP's desire to wait on moving in until you've not got any financial entanglements with the ex though. My husband was selling a property he owned with his ex fiancée when we met and it was a HUGE deal to me to know that the man I was living with was still financing his ex (she was living in the property at the time, he still paid her phone bill etc). It all got sorted fine but TBH if circs had been different I'd have rather waited with him in his rented flat until he was 'free' so to speak.

Especially in a case where your DP is making the (really significant) commitment to be with someone with children from a previous relationship waiting until the finances are settled doesn't seem like an unreasonable step.

Is there anything you could do to speed that up (assuming that it won't be sorted before you want DP to move in, if it will, no worries)? If you aren't wanting to live there again would you consider selling the old place? (And investing in another, affordable by just you after ex paid off, rental property if you've taken to being a landlady?)

Now you've added more info this doesn't sound that bad at all.

Good luck!

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now