staying through guilt

[CherryCherryT]

I am in a relationship with my partner of 5 years. When I met him, he was. A breath of fresh air compared to the usual idiot men I often indulged in. After a short while he showed his true colours; disagreeing with everything I said, jealous of friends, falling out with me on nights out and on one occasion dragging me across the room in a headlock. After this incident we broke up. A month later I found out I was pregnant. We got back together and decI ded to try to give it a go on the understanding he would address his issues. We moved in together and throughout my pregnancy there were phases where it was good, also where it was not so good. When I had our daughter my partner left me to do everything and said that it was my fault he couldn't help because I was breast-feeding. I focussed on my daughter to get throughthis time. I live very far from my family. our
daughter is now 2 and my partner has become a fantastic Dad to both our daughter and to his son from a previous relationship. He is also, for the most part, a veryloving and kind boyfriend. He still loses his temper from time to time but nothing like he used to.

My problem is that I'm not in love with him anymore. Theway he had been in the past eats away at me and I could never allow myself to be pregnant with him again . I want to leave but the guilt of leaving this man who has tried so hard to change for me kills me. I like him and we get on well, I can't bear the thought of taking our daughter away from him and then him having 2 children that he doesn't live with. He suffers from depression and although ishouldn't feel responsible for that, I feel terrible guilt over what it would do to him if I left.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

Don't stick around making yourself miserable just because you feel guilty. It's a waste of two lives. He had choices and he made certain decisions along the way - so did you - and if it hasn't worked out it hasn't worked out. There are no good options from where you are now. Everything has a downside. However, I think a 'good split' ... amicable, constructive, sensible approach to co-parenting... beats a bad marriage hands down.

[badinage]

So after you agreed to stay and he agreed to work on his issues, he still behaved badly, then did fuck-all when your daughter was born and even to this day, still loses his temper 'from time to time'.

Isn't it the case that he's still absolutely awful, but not as awful as he was when he assaulted you and could have killed you? And because of that, you've completely lost your perspective about what makes for a decent bloke?

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

Missed the part about dragging you across the room in a headlock... All bets were off and all obligations suspended from that point, sorry. You owe him nothing whatsoever.

[CherryCherryT]

If I had a friend in my situation I would be the first to insist that she left. Leaving is hard and I have nowhere to go. I only work part time since I had my daughter and I need money for a deposit. My Health visitor, who is fantastic, says I should have a place sorted and everything planned before tell him I'm going.
I know I have to leave and I will but I struggle with hurting people. I know this sounds ridiculous after what our relationship has entailed.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

It's not ridiculous to not want to hurt people, it just makes you a decent human being... unlike the person you're in a relationship with who 'still loses his temper'. However, the only person who is ever going to have your best interests at heart in your life is... you. If having a good life & self-respect means other people have to step aside from time to time, that's something you just have to do.

[badinage]

From a personal safety angle as regards you and the baby, it's always best to have a place to go to immediately because of the risk of violence and punishment when you exercise your right to leave the relationship.

But can you borrow the deposit from family or friends, or will they put you both up for a while until you can save for one? Better this than sticking around with a violent, angry man. Women's Aid might also be able to help.