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family trauma

(98 Posts)
hullbird72 Sun 19-May-13 22:05:08

my partner and I have 3 children: 5, 3 & 2. I work ft and he looks after them till 4 ish wen he goes to the pub till 7ish. since November he has been acting like an idiot constantly bullying me; name calling, sleeping in the loft and generally being a shit. when I confront the situation he just tells me to leave. he says the kids don,t even like me, I am a thick useless mother etc. I just do not know what to do. I definitely would never leave the kids but I am just so unhappy . I have no family here and I am embarrassed to be in this awful situation. in the past he has been violent but has not hit me lately .

Ledkr Sun 19-May-13 22:07:15

What do you want us to say? It's clear you should leave.
Are you in the uk? Can you contact women's aid?

Ledkr Sun 19-May-13 22:07:57

Don't be embarrassed either. It's him on the wrong not you.

Salbertina Sun 19-May-13 22:11:15

Op, he's an abusive bully. You leaving him does not mean leaving your kids, don't listen to his lies. Contact a refuge and get out, with them. He should never have hit you and you don't deserve to be under any threat of it happening again. Good luck and stay resolute.

hullbird72 Sun 19-May-13 22:29:09

thanks for the support do you think I should leave with the kids he is clearly trying to get me to leave. he also says he will go for full custody as I am not the main caret?

Ledkr Sun 19-May-13 22:31:07

Op can you get this thread moved to relationships you will get great advice there.
Click on report post and ask hq to move it

hullbird72 Sun 19-May-13 22:31:50

I am in the uk and will look up women's aid

Salbertina Sun 19-May-13 22:34:51

I think you need proper advice, am not an expert- contact citizens advice, lawyer, women's aid?

Is he an alcoholic or is pub more socialising? Whatever, it sounds at v least unbalanced that you work ft and he hotfoots it to pub leaving you with hours of childcare /chores! You're supporting him and doing much of the childcare on top! Sounds as if you could have strong case esp with his violent past. But you're right to be cautious, check your case before you leave. Maybe he should and you get locks changed/restraining order?? Pls get oroper advice though!

hullbird72 Sun 19-May-13 22:35:43

I have done that Ledkr thanks. I am all new to this.

hullbird72 Sun 19-May-13 22:44:34

I am not sure what constitutes an alcoholic but he drinks 5 pints average every night. without fail. he goes to the pub to socialise as he needs the adult co which I can empathise with. he is a good father and keeps the house clean although I am expected to take over at weekends. I did not want this to happen as I hate the idea of broken homes but I cannot see the situation changing and as the kids get older it will effect them. I am afraid as he is a violent bully and he will not give up without a fight. I do know I need to get some advice but I think this me doing this is me finally admitting there is no resolution

Salbertina Sun 19-May-13 22:51:44

Hull, stepbystep, just get the advice first then plan accordingly otherwise ad you say it must feel so overwhelming. hmm

5 pints daily is a lot, say functioning alcoholic? Helps your case though that and more to the point, his violence.

You sound sorted, Op, in yourself- you have a full-time job and are a concerned mother. Am sure you alone would provide a better home for dc than one where they see physical and verbal abuse. Please see that.

hullbird72 Sun 19-May-13 23:02:55

I will get some advice. thanks so much for yours. good night 😣

Salbertina Sun 19-May-13 23:04:35

Good night, Hull. Hope tomorrow brings you a way to move forward.

KateSMumsnet (MNHQ) Mon 20-May-13 12:24:15


We're going to move this to Relationships, at the request of the OP.

hullbird72 Mon 20-May-13 16:42:55

thanks sal
thread moved to relationships now

Salbertina Mon 20-May-13 17:00:19

Hi there. How are you doing?

Musicaltheatremum Mon 20-May-13 17:07:06

5 pints a night is 70 units a week, way over the recommended level of alcohol for an adult male. Yes he needs adult company but surely he can have a couple of nights off a week or do something more constructive.

You should not have to put up with this.

hullbird72 Mon 20-May-13 18:23:07

I know this is unreasonable but he has been very manipulative. I know this cannot go on I just need to know how to move forward? another thing I put up the 50k deposit for the house and have always paid the mortgage from my account. however he reckons the house is his as his name is 1st on the correspondence etc. this is bollocks I take it? any advice from anyone please and thanks to m t mum and sal

Salbertina Mon 20-May-13 18:32:27

Poor you, Op. can appreciate how hard it is, not unreasonable at all.

Go to CAB or solicitor for proper legal advice. Not an expert but assume key questions might include:

Is mortgage in your joint names?
Are you married?
Evidence of mortgage payment and deposit from your bank?
Main carer for dc and agreement on where to live in their best interests?

I think he's trying to scare you when he says house is "his", doesn't seem likely but legal advice would clarify.

KittyVonCatsworth Mon 20-May-13 18:37:55

Is this a sudden change in personality? It sounds as if he's chronically depressed. No excuse for his shitty behaviour, but is this a relationship you want to save? If so, an appointment with his doctor, either him, you or together may be the first step.

As long as you and the kids are safe though x

Salbertina Mon 20-May-13 19:09:04

He is violent though.. Whats to save?

hullbird72 Mon 20-May-13 19:18:29

you know kitty you may be right it all kicked off when we went on champix and gave up smoking 6 months ago. he reckons its all me of course. regardless he is too macho and stubborn to seek any kind of help. I know he has been violent too but I would try if he was willing to admit fault and try to change

KittyVonCatsworth Mon 20-May-13 19:24:36

Shit, sorry, completely read over the violence. Frank discussion on where he wants this to go in line with yours and the kids needs. He can either leave you and the kids and find help whilst building your relationship back up, or, alternatively, he can leave by being forced with no hope of retrieving the relationship. Have you involved police or WA in the past about his violence? If he goes with a fight, any solicitor would say you and the kids should stay in the marital home for stability, I would imagine.

JojoMags Mon 20-May-13 19:36:35

Go to the CAB. They will be able to tell you where you stand legally with the house and mortgage, with bank accounts and a raft of other things. That way you know where you stand and which of his threats are empty (probably most of them).

My DH works ft and I am the stay at home carer. I would not dream of disappearing to the pub for three hours every night and leaving DH to get on with everthing. We all need adult company/time out of the house but this is ridiculous and incredibly selfish. You say he is a good dad, but being a good dad means being a good husband, and he's neither of those things if violent, drunk, manipulative, selfish and mean. What kind of an example is he setting your kids? Do you want them to grow up thinking its OK to behave as he does? Get your facts sorted and leave him.

hullbird72 Mon 20-May-13 20:32:03

jojo u r so right I will i need to for my own sanity. the things he has done and said a lesser woman would have cracked up I think I have heard the accusations of me being lazy, selfish, thick etc for so long I have failed to acknowledge the things u have so acutely pointed out I think I needed this frank point of view from an outsider to realise thanks

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