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Should I LTB now or wait and plan?

(28 Posts)
CharlotteCollinsismovingon Fri 17-May-13 23:10:25

I'm in an EA marriage and recently tried to end it, only to be sucked back in 3 weeks later. That was six weeks ago, and I've got my clarity back and see that he isn't changing and is as controlling and manipulative as ever.

He's not aggressive at all, but he is narcissistic and manipulative.
He tells me I'm selfish if I think of myself at all;
if he wants sex he will nag and whinge till I give in (actually he uses that tactic for other things, too);
he repeatedly dismisses my feelings and my perspective;
he was horrified when I tried to leave him that he had hurt me so much and behaved so badly... but that has now been downgraded so far that he thinks the problems were as much my fault if not more (my bad communication)
he is controlling
he used to put me down a lot and be very critical - but he's not doing this at the moment - this is the one area in which he's changed; quite illuminating to see how easy it is for him not to do this when he wants to!
I'm pretty sure he "does" gaslighting regularly - or perhaps as a narcissist he just rewrites history so he really believes what he says?

Anyway, that's just a brief introduction to him. I'm convinced again that I need to leave. Question is how do I go about it? He's been away on a work trip and is back tomorrow. I can't be arsed to pretend that I'm happy to see him back, when actually I've been in denial about his return! And we have our anniversary very soon, which he will see as an opportunity to be loudly celebratory about our reunion while cosily forgetting all that went before it.

Otoh, I'm a bit nervous about starting the process again, what with the loud wailing and blank incomprehension that greeted me last time. I'm also scared about letting the dcs know, as they knew last time regretfully and it's more instability for them (and I am so cross with myself for putting them through that more than they needed to iyswim).

Plus I feel I should be doing more first - talking to a solicitor (did that last time, seemed like I needed to talk more to h about finances and child contact and go to solicitor if it wasn't working), getting documents together (only he's not violent, so I'm not going to have to leave suddenly or anything), that sort of thing.

Any advice, anyone?

minkembra Fri 17-May-13 23:37:48

hey charlotte

don't have any relevant experience but thought i would say hi. until someone more sensible gets here.

minkembra Fri 17-May-13 23:39:56

first question i suppose who stays in the house and who goes and if you are going do you have somewhere to go to?

if you are staying in the house will he go easily?

CharlotteCollinsismovingon Fri 17-May-13 23:51:02

hi mink

I want to stay in the house; he (last time round) said he'd go at the end of July. He is travelling most of the time between now and then, apart from the next two weeks when he's at home.

So first I thought I'll get through those two weeks and then tell him. And now I don't know. I'm itching to get on with it, because I really want to be six months down the line already!

minkembra Sat 18-May-13 00:14:25

i think you will have to play it by ear. have a feeling you may find that in those two weeks it will just come out....

Mosman Sat 18-May-13 00:54:20

Can you book a holiday so you aren't around for those 2 weeks?

Planetofthedrapes Sat 18-May-13 01:08:03

Those two weeks should be spent by him packing if he's said he's going.

wordyBird Sat 18-May-13 01:48:15

If you feel safe - I'm in favour of Carpe Diem. It sounds as if you've done plenty of planning and waiting already. smile

So ideally, deep breath, tell the truth - the relationship is over, as of this minute - then play it by ear.

His response will take some dealing with though. I guess you have had a practice run with that, in a manner of speaking, so you know the obstacles you are likely to face. Have you had any advice on dealing with this? Eg, from WA? Is there anyone in RL who can support you?

I don't like the thought of anyone tackling an abuser head on, especially without support, so hope you have someone there to help you through this next step.

IEM3 Sat 18-May-13 03:08:11

Hi Charlotte, I'm in a very similar place to you but am also scared of the reaction I will get. Dont be hard on yourself about going back. Think you have been very brave to get that far. When I was speaking to a friend recently about my dilemma and how/when/if I could say it, she simply said - "you know what you've got to do". I do know and you do but for me it seems there are so many obstacles that come up, my daughter is doing exams (year 7 )so not extrnal but she struggles with schoolwork and then its his birthday. Like with yr anniversary I'm not interested in celebrating his day and keeping up this pretence any longer. I think we need to seize the day soon as Wordy said.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sat 18-May-13 06:24:19

If you can tolerate the situation for a short time and you're not in any immediate danger then I think the best route is to do your homework, find out as much information as possible, talk to solicitors or any other agencies that you might need & (very important) get RL moral & physical support from friends and family to be there for you when you end it. There's nothing like having RL back-up if you're in two minds.

I also don't think you should be hard on yourself for taking him back. Getting shot is a very difficult thing to do, extremely emotional & there's always that nagging doubt whether you've done the right thing - especially when put under pressure by a nagging/whining STBX in your case. smile But it's probably been a good thing to get back together briefly because it's given you time to coolly and critically assess his behaviour, think clearly and get the high emotion out of the decision.

Best of luck

postmanpatscat Sat 18-May-13 06:59:15

charlotte, I've read so many of your posts (feels like years...has it been?) and willed you to LTB. Whether you do it now or in two weeks time doesn't matter so much, as long as you do it. I ended my marriage in Jan 2009 and moved out in April 2010 so I have experience of a long lead time (don't go that far!)

I want you to be six months down the line already too flowers

Hissy Sat 18-May-13 08:21:10

on average woman takes 8 times to leave an abusive partner... So looks like you're still way ahead!

Never give up, you can, will and SHOULD do it!

Cog is totally right in her post to you, a planned exit is always better than an unplanned one. Prepare yourself, and no returns next time.

Good for you for still having the hope that your confidence could have been restored in him, it was misplaced, but that was his failure, certainly not yours!

AThingInYourLife Sat 18-May-13 08:27:45

I worry that you will lose your clarity when you have to spend time with a manipulative gaslighter pretending everything is OK.

Unless there is a really compelling reason to bide your time, I think you should go and start the rest of your life.

juneau Sat 18-May-13 08:41:14

I would see a solicitor, as a starting point. S/he will be able to tell you what you need to do and point you towards other resources.

It sounds like you're really champing at the bit now, which is good! Use that resolve to get busy planning, because once you know what your rights and responsibilities are, the overall timescale will become much clearer.

As to telling him it's over, I would do it as soon as you know what's what and have decided on your game plan.

sleeton Sat 18-May-13 09:05:06

Charlotte do you own or rent your house? If you own, do you both own it, are both your names on the deeds?

I am no expert, so can't be sure, but I have a horrible feeling that he can simply refuse to move and that you can't make him. I know he agreed to move out before, but (if I'm right) he might have taken advice on his position in the intervening period. Would he be likely to have done that?

So, yes, I do think you should plan (within whatever time-limit suits you) but AThingInYourLife does make a very good point to keep in mind.

CharlotteCollinsismovingon Sat 18-May-13 20:45:55

Thank you everyone for your encouraging posts! I was able to read them earlier and have been pondering since then.

post, I think it is about a year ago that I followed a new MN friend to the EA thread and first felt the jolt of recognition - an unexpected thought that other people might experience the same sort of weird marriage stuff that I had to put up with! But it then took six months of obsessional thinking till I was mostly convinced that I belonged there on that thread.

sleeton, I think you're right - I'm not in a great position with the house. But he is mainly out of the way till the summer holidays, so it will be easier to move out for six weeks and find somewhere new if he does resist moving out. I'm hoping that he'll be keen to make himself look generous and thoughtful so that everyone will tell me what a big mistake I've made...

AThing, yes I can see that being a problem, even after he's been home a matter of hours. I keep wondering whether I can or should do this to him - and have to keep reminding myself that I'm not doing it to punish him or anything like that, just because I can't go on living with him.

I'm thinking sooner rather than later...

CharlotteCollinsismovingon Sun 19-May-13 23:07:34

Well, I've told him. It wasn't easy... but it's done. I can't go on in the marriage and he can't see why that is, cos he feels he's doing all the hard work!

I'm going to head back to the EA thread now, for months of hand-holding to get through all this...

wordyBird Sun 19-May-13 23:25:41

Oh that was very courageous, bravo to you CharlotteC! thanks

Have seen quite a few of your posts and you've been so, so forbearing with your H .... you are making the right decision, and I wish you lots of luck as you move towards a better life.

postmanpatscat Sun 19-May-13 23:36:07

Hooray! Well done flowers

minkembra Mon 20-May-13 00:11:06

((( charlotte)))

BlackeyedSusan Mon 20-May-13 22:18:57

well done. thinking of you. smile

CharlotteCollinsismovingon Tue 21-May-13 10:46:27

Thanks, bes - what a nice surprise to hear from you. Hope all is well.

SanityClause Tue 21-May-13 10:58:09

Wow, Charlotte!

I "know" you from GB (now GS)'s threads, and I wish you all the luck in the world.

I think leaving and then coming back was probably useful for you. You gave him a chance, and he hasn't changed (much). So perhaps you can accept that it's him and not you.

Here's some wine for six month's time!

Dozer Tue 21-May-13 11:15:38

Hi charlotte, I "know" you from GB's thread and am really really hoping you leave him for good, as soon as possible, but better late than never!

He's not going to change, he's EA, sexually abusive (not to mention co-ercing you into having more DC) and an all round nasty piece of work angry The situation is really bad for you and the DC.

Ignore crocodile tears and guilt-trips about the Dc: he is the cause of the family breakdown, with his abusive behaviour.

Gathering information, documents etc is useful to do even if you don't expect to need to leave in an "emergency", just think of it as getting on top of admin! have you seen olgaga's post with all the useful information to prepare before seeing the solicitor? It sounds like you didn't get that much out of your appointment and might need to gather info and go for one with someone different. The post from olgaga has lots of useful links.

In the meantime, there are other options than leaving/telling him you're leaving and pretending to be happy/celebrating things. You could just say you remain unhappy with him and don't feel like sex / affection / celebrations, and bumble along quietly make your plans. It's actually quite abusive of him to expect all that in the circumstances anyway, and if you're worried about being (relatively) honest because of how he'll react, that's one more reason why it'd be good to leave.

Wishing you well thanks

Dozer Tue 21-May-13 11:18:04

Oh, so sorry, see you've told him, that's great, hoping he leaves ( or you move out) soon and you can start on your bright new future xx

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