Afraid this will be long, but I'll try to keep it as short as I can.
I met DP when I was 19 and fell completely, head-over-heels in love. He (a couple of years older) was in the process of getting out of his first serious long-term relationship and nowhere near wanting a relationship, but we instantly became close friends (as I continued to gaze adoringly at him, and everyone but him noticed...) After about a year, something shifted and we were both quite actively flirting, and drunkenly kissed, but displaying a backbone I didn't know I had I made it clear that I needed him to not mess me around and to know what he wanted. He said he still felt too messed up by his ex to be sure he was able for a relationship, and that our friendship meant too much to him to give it a try and then mess it up, so we left it. For many years we were each others best friends, I spoke to him every day, but there were still many moments where things nearly happened but one or other of us pulled back. Neither of us had relationships that lasted much more than six months in those years.
Fast-forward seven years and we finally got together, fast forward another three and we are currently living together and extremely happy. He is my favourite person, we have a respectful and equal partnership, we have fun, we share values - all that good stuff... except we're finally at a point where we have to acknowledge the elephant in the room. I want kids and he doesn't think he does.
Obviously I've always known this was something he was unsure about, but he was equally unsure about being good at being in a long term relationship. When we got together, we said we'd park the issue, (obviously he also knew I'd always wanted kids) and come back to it when I turned 30 - which happens next month. I have raised it in discussion a few times in the last few months, and the problem is, I really don't know how we go about exploring this. Is it something he needs to figure out on his own? Should we try counselling?
Also impacting on this is the fact that around the time we got together, he made the decision to leave his highly paid, very long-hours job and retrain for a more rewarding, equally demanding lower-paid job. I am delighted for him, and really proud he was able to make that decision, but he was 30 when he made it, he has another 18 months at least till he finishes the training and he will then have a few years of low-paid entry level positions. His new career track will at its peak after 20 years or so have him earning only slightly more than he was when he quit his previous role. He feels very defined by his work, and I think he feels that to justify leaving his old position and so much money (he was great at the job, it just didn't challenge him) he really needs to excel in the new career, and that that will involve putting in lots of hours. He also genuinely has a really strong work ethic. I think the reduced earning power is something that weighs on his mind - I early on decided to go for the rewarding-not-well-paid job, so while I'm doing quite well, I will never earn big money either.
As far as I can gather, his main objections to children are: 1) they're a serious commitment, and would have to be his main commitment. As such, they would have to take precedent over a career he will have fought really hard for, and he's not sure about making that sacrifice. 2)
He feels its irresponsible to have children unless you're sure you actively want them. The way he describes what he means by this I worry that he thinks he should be experiencing the same kind of hormonal broodiness I do, but I'm not sure that happens to most men. (I know some do experience it, but most men I know have to actually hold their child before they get the flood of emotion, up to that point it just kind of seems like a good idea)
But when I've asked him what he pictures our lives like without children in ten or twenty years, he's also said he can't really picture the future, and pointed out that's kind of how he wound up in a career he hated the first time: he's just not good at thinking of the long-term.
Initially, he was concerned about us living together because of the pressure it would put on him to not work, but its been really positive for both of us: I think his work actually improves when he has an active non-work social life. I also think that he may relax about this when he has actually got a job and this gamble has paid off.
I would like us to start ttc when I'm 33 and he's 35/6 - according to an ideal timeline, he would have an ok job in his new field by then. He himself has admitted he might feel differently at that point. I don't want to have a baby right now anyway - well, I'm massively broody, so on some level I do, but I also love my career: however there are ways to advance in it to make it child-friendly and I hope to have managed that in the next 2 years. My big issue is: he can't commit to feeling differently then, and doesn't want to. And I don't feel like I can risk not having children. I'm an only child, I have always wanted kids. But what do I do now? I don't just want children, I want his children. If we broke up tomorrow, there's no guarantee I'd meet someone else, and even if I did, I still feel I'd think they were inferior to him. I have compared everyone I've ever been with to him - unfavourably. He's just a really good man. But if I stay with him, and we don't have kids, I'll also wind up bitter and that will tear us apart.
So wise mumsnetters, if you have read this far: what do I do? Do I wait this out? Do I decide to give it another year or two? Do I break up with him if he doesn't change - or make up - his mind? Is there any process we could follow?
I don't know if relationship counselling could work. I've asked him to talk to a close friend who has a child, but I don't think he's done that. That's another thing - he's ridiculously good with children, better than I am. I've created quite an artificial deadline by linking it to turning 30, but I feel like I can't let it slide as we need to confront it in some way - and now I'm looking for advice as to how.
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Where do we go from here?
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Sandie79 · 17/05/2013 19:53
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