Porn, prostitutes and depression!

[Imnotagilmoregirl]

Hi,

I'm new to this and literally cannot speak to anyone else. I've been with DH for nearly 8 years, married for 5, we have DD aged 3 and DS age 2.

DH has had depression after a traumatic event not long after we got married and has had some nasty bouts of it. During one particularly horrible time in hospital with him I found out that during our relationship he has been addicted to porn and chat lines and has visited prositutes and strip clubs. He was very ill and I wanted him to get better and for the family to move on. We've been to counselling and he is now very open about where he is, leaves his phone lying around, promises he's changed.

Sounds good now, but the thing is, I just don't feel the same. I know he's sorry and he's doing everything he can to make life better and be a good husband/father. He's still having treatment and changing jobs to be nearer to home. I know he's doing all he can, but it feels like my heart has dried out and become hard. I can't love him the same way, even though I want to. I fantasise of living with the kids without him. But he's still so fragile I don't see how I can leave. His illness makes him think of suicide, and although he's never attempted it, I can't risk him harming himself. I love him, but not it the way I used to. How can I make this right? What can I do? Any advice hugely appreciated xx

[ladyjadie]

This sounds so hard for you. To be honest though, you have to do what is right for you. Even if he was in the midst of depression, he still did those things and they still affected you. Depression is not an excuse for being unfaithful to you, although I am sympathetic to how it can mess with one's head (have myself been through a couple of severe bouts)

I think what I'm trying to say is that if you feel you have to leave, then you have to leave. You would be living a lie otherwise which would take a massive toll on you and therefore your children. Your DH would probably pick up on it too. What he does will be what he does, you can't blame yourself for that, I learned to accept that in families counselling.

Do you think counselling could help you regain any feelings for him?

[Imnotagilmoregirl]

Hiya, thanks for replying.

We went to counselling and he was brilliant, he told them everything, took the blame for his part, accepted that he did wrong, etc. it broke his heart to be confronted with his actions, and since then has worked really hard. I hated it. I heard all these stories about the man I've been with for 8 years and I could not believe it. It just wasn't him anymore. I wanted to stay an move on with out lives, but now I wonder if I'm staying to make sure he stays well and because I love the person I thought I knew. Our sex life is pretty non-existent and although we get along well, it feels like he's a stranger. I bite my tongue not wanting to rock the boat because of his illness, but when I'm feeling selfish I want to scream "I'm only 27! I can't live the rest of my life like this!".

I look at our kids and want them to have a happy home life and set a good example xx

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

What you're saying is that your feelings have changed but you feel obliged to stay with him because he seems vulnerable. I think, as part of your counselling, you should bring this up. It shouldn't be all about him, you need to have your feelings validated as well. And if that means you suggest spending some time apart... don't hold back.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

"I bite my tongue not wanting to rock the boat because of his illness, but when I'm feeling selfish I want to scream "I'm only 27! I can't live the rest of my life like this!".

It's not selfish. If you can't cope with his illness or his behaviour it is not selfish to say so. You could part ways amicably, stay friends, co-parent your children in a mature and responsible way.... and both go on to lead full and happy lives. As it stands, you're sacrificing yours for no good reason.

[ladyjadie]

"We went to counselling and he was brilliant" Yes, but did it, or could it, help you to feel differently? I think you are being and have been trying so hard to be understanding and selfless (and I'm not saying that as a slur) that you've trapped yourself a bit in a cycle of worrying for him, worrying for your children, and all their futures. Now the strain of the last few years has 'eased off', you have at last had a chance to think of yourself, and all of this has hit you hard all at once. You've put up with and coped with A LOT. A lot more than many women have coped with. You've been a saint and now you want a semblance of your own life back. That is not selfish, that is what you deserve, and if you stay you will very probably end up being chipped away slowly.

Also second Cogito's second post, although it may be hard to envisage a future like this given his threats, but it has to be worth a try, rather than sacrifice yourself out of pity or fear.

[Lovingfreedom]

It's good that he's being honest now. But, if you have now realised that you don't love, respect or like him any more... Or if you just can't be bothered any more then that is understandable. You don't owe him anything just because he has owned up at last. Maybe once you know the truth you're no longer interested. Or maybe you've had enough. If you want out, fair play.

[MadAboutHotChoc]

You are entitled to end the relationship - very few people would be able to move on from such massive terrible betrayals.

Not only has he chosen to cheat as a way of solving his issues, but he has been buying women's bodies - what kind of man does that? a man who hates women, views women as givers of sexual services, as commodities and not as real people with feelings and thoughts.

He used FAMILY money to satisfy his own selfish urges. He could have picked up STIs and passed them to you and the DC - have you been tested? Urgh...no wonder you are struggling to move on.

Cut your losses and create a brighter and happier future for yourself and the DC.

[Imnotagilmoregirl]

Hi All,

I sent him to get tested, he's all clear and so am I. It's just so far removed from the 'him' I knew, it's so sleazy and sick. And then he's making me cups of tea and putting washing on and playing with the kids. I feel like I just want to be friends, but then I love him and I feel he needs me. But then I think of the fact it's not "drunk in a bar, got carried away with a woman I met" it's "googled a brothel, withdrew hundreds of pounds and made my way over there". It makes me feel so so sick.

[simplesusan]

I think you need to be honest with him.
You don't have to stay in this relationship.

He has made a decision and as a result you feel crap about yourself.

It is not your responsibility to keep the family together at all costs, you have a right to happiness. I'm not surprised you feel at a low, why would you want to have sex with this cheating man?

Personally I wouldn't stay with a man whom I didn't have a sex life with, and all this at 27, you have a lifetimeto live.

You need to tell him that he is responsible for the crap sex life you now have because he has treated you like shit.

If there is no trust then what is the point in staying together?

You need to think about what you want, not him or anyone else.