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If you have/had a good relationship with your Mum, come and tell me about it.

(21 Posts)
PeppermintPasty Thu 16-May-13 16:07:23

Inspired by Bertie's (revived) thread about dads. Also, I don't have a very good relationship with my Mum, though this is not intended to be a bashing thread. I have come to terms with all that (I think...).

Apologies also if this has been done to death elsewhere, but I'd love to hear your happy stories, if you have them. Could you explain to me the magical mother/daughter relationship? I have a sunny little DD, and I hope that as she grows up we form that special bond. I would hope we're well on the way.

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 16-May-13 16:17:31

Our relationship is more 'manageable' than 'magical'. smile I think it all boils down ultimately to respecting differences, showing appreciation, giving space and - above all - not expecting to like someone (or be liked by them) just because you happen to share some DNA. FWIW, I don't want to be my DS's 'best mate'... I'm his mum and sometimes I'm going to have to pull rank or do stuff that really pisses him off. He can have friends his own age.

PeppermintPasty Thu 16-May-13 16:24:07

Oh yes Cogito, I agree with you about that-I don't want to be her best mate <shudder>. I did have a special bond with my DF, though we certainly weren't "best mates", and I suppose I am interested in the maternal side of things as it's a little alien to me, certainly from a daughter's perspective.

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 16-May-13 16:26:52

I don't think you can engineer a special bond. Kids either connect with you or they don't. I adored my gran, for example... my brother couldn't stand her. She treated us both exactly the same but what I found endearing he found irritating. I think what I'm saying is 'be yourself' and the rest is largely down to luck.

KatieScarlett2833 Thu 16-May-13 16:31:05

My mum is the best.
After finally leaving my horror of a father she brought me up alone despite serious disability.
She taught me how to tolerate no crap, encouraged me to achieve, made sure I learned how to drive and survive alone in the big bad world.
We have the best laugh together, we get each other completely. She is 5 mins walk away from me yet is never an interfering PITA. DC go to see her and my SF because they love them. She is excessively generous financially and gave up work to look after my DC until they went to school to save us the cost of childcare.
I am her only child.

forgetmenots Thu 16-May-13 16:41:33

I am very, very close to my mum, and while I wouldn't describe her as my best friend, in a way she is - we have a relationship that's about that familial bond but also an extra layer of 'and I just really like you'.

For us the trick has been negotiating the different phases. No doubt this has been much harder for my mum than for me, and now my first dc is he any day I'm thinking about that hard work and how I would do the same. She makes an effort with me and always has done, doesn't interfere (and on the rare occasions she does overstep is quick to recant once it's pointed out).

She repeatedly says I owe her nothing, that seeing me grow up happy is all the rears she would ever want - there's no obligation attached to the time we spend together on either side. She is very close to my DB too, and both her DIL and SIL invite her round!

I'm lucky because of the person she is. My DH has some people will have seen on other threads has the opposite relationship with his mum and it took me so long to understand it because to me 'how can you not like your mum'? But realising that my mum was that bit special only made me appreciate her more. She will be the best DGM ever.

(Apologies for the soppiness, but it's all true and you did ask! Hormonal and heavily pregnant!)

forgetmenots Thu 16-May-13 16:42:55

*first DC is due any day - damn phone!

Fast Thu 16-May-13 16:45:48

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Awks Thu 16-May-13 17:47:12

I go away for a week every year with my mum. We've just come back from Lanzarote and we had a lovely time. It's good to spend the week just me and her, no kids, husbands, work or aggravation. I actually look forward to this holiday each year, even though my friends think I am mad.

PeppermintPasty Thu 16-May-13 19:55:13

You're all very lucky.

fast, your mum said something really important at just the right time I bet. You've clearly never forgotten it.

MatchsticksForMyEyes Thu 16-May-13 20:02:10

My mum brought us up alone after leaving my emotionally abusive dad, who didn't keep up contact with us. We are quite different-she is very introverted, but I seem to be the only person she really opens up to and we have such a good time together.
We have a good laugh together, could spend a whole day together shopping, lunch, cinema and have a great time.
She supported me when me and the dc left my husband and is one of those people who will go the extra mile if there is anything you need.
She knows just by the tone of my voice when there is something wrong and just telling her will usually make me feel better.
In fact, the only thing we have ever disagreed on is when I started seeing my STBXH. And she was, of course, right all along.

waterwaterwater Thu 16-May-13 20:04:38

My DM died a few months ago sad

She was always there to listen to my bits of news; always interested in what I was doing; gave her opinions (which sometimes I didn't agree with); was always on my side, but would tell me if she thought I was messing up; said sorry that she'd got some things wrong when I was younger; and was proud of me.

I miss her, but no one can take away what she gave me smile

PMTIsMe Thu 16-May-13 20:07:08

You do have to accept them for what/who they are. My mum was pissed/absent for most of my childhood and left for good with my elder sister when I was 15. I was devastated for a long time. I don't know what changed or how it changed, but at some point I realised she is who she is and its not personal. Now I see her weekly and we share a sense of humour and because of age and ill health I look after her in a way she never did me. But its ok because whilst I know she never will show interest in me in the way that I think (thought) she should, actually, in her own strange and very limited way, she does love me.

Delayingtactic Thu 16-May-13 20:22:57

I love my mom to bits and we have a close relationship. We can chat about all sorts and are actually friends too. It's a different sort of relationship to when I was a child because then although we were close she was a parent, but now we've moved past that and we actually have a better relationship. Same with my dad too.

Piemother Thu 16-May-13 20:29:50

My mum is amazing grin we do disagree now and then and she nags me like mad but on the whole we have a good relationship. She comes once a week minimum to spend time with the dds and I and help me a bit ad I am a lone parent. She does one day a week childcarecwhen I'm
at work.
We don't live in each others pockets though there's 40 miles between us and dm likes it that way grin
Dm won't drop everything for me but done I'm 33 I'm ok with that because with a bit of notice she is v supportive and helpful.
I have noticed she tried harder not to judge me these days too.

Salbertina Thu 16-May-13 20:49:21

Pmt- really admire your stoicism and forgiveness of your mother without blame and yet with clear boundaries fir you it seems ? Quite something after your difficult childhood with her.

PeppermintPasty Thu 16-May-13 20:50:33

waterwaterwater flowers

EllaFitzgerald Thu 16-May-13 21:10:15

I adore mine, she's absolutely bonkers, massively embarrassing and it's her biggest ambition in life to get an ASBO. I don't remember her ever going on about how much she loved us, but we were never in any doubt, not for a second. She's got a wicked sense of humour and is a real 'mum' type. When we were growing up, ours was the house everyone went to to build camps in the garden and have water fights and any injured animals came to ours to be nursed better. Even the 'naughty' kids behaved themselves for my mum and she taught a couple of them to read when they were struggling at school.

She brought four of us up, completely on her own, with no money and having left a violent and EA marriage. We never had the latest or best of everything, but we never went without, even though she regularly did. She's the strongest, kindest most amazing woman I know and I'm so proud she's my mum. And I understand exactly how lucky I am to have that relationship with her.

Rowlers Thu 16-May-13 21:33:03

My mum was, in a way, my world. If ever anything got me down, it was to her I would turn for a metaphorical shoulder to cry on or for words of advice.
As a child, she would rock me to sleep singing me lullaby after lullaby. She encouraged (ok, pushed) me to achieve at school, 6th form and university, wanting me to put myself in a 'good' position in life.
As a teenager she allowed me freedom (too much probably!) whilst quietly instilling in me a strong sense of right and wrong.
She was overjoyed when I announced my first pregnancy and loved by first born child very deeply. That bond was very strong. She was the perfect grandmother, knowing instinctively how to entertain, distract, amuse, interest, enthuse both my children and their cousins.
I sought her advice on everything in my
life and still think to myself 'what would mum say?' on a daily basis.
She died too young and I miss her terribly every single day.

EverybodysGoneSurfing Thu 16-May-13 21:58:50

I adore my mum. I am one of five and we all have special, individual relationships with her. When we were children, she was a constant. Not always affectionate, not always kind, but as affectionate and kind as she could managed. Now as an adult she is supportive, protective... No one can say a bad word about her children, we are not even allowed to criticise each other! Today she popped round while i was at work and cleaned my house from top to bottom! Love her!

PeppermintPasty Fri 17-May-13 15:40:51

I tell you what, It's good to read these stories, including those involving the more difficult relationships. Makes me feel a little bit wistful, but mainly positive. And you're right Salbertina, it's about forgiveness and acceptance at the end of the day.

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