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25 years married. Am I wasting my life?

(15 Posts)
Shatttttang Mon 13-May-13 12:25:01

We have been married for 25 years. 2 daughters 19 and 22. Eldest at uni. Youngest at home.
Husband has always been doom and gloom. Negative. Sulky. He is a jealous man. Jealous of everyone and everything. I am the opposite.
He blows hot and cold. And we are treading on eggshells or asking him if he is ok.
To be honest I am just a bit fed up with it all.
It has ground me down. Always trying to be positive and jolly. I find myself recently snapping at him and not being nice to him because that is how he is with me. Then I hate myself.
He likes a drink. And he gets a bit nasty when he has had a few.
He is lovely for a while then he loses his temper over something trivial and throws, kicks things.
Financially we are well off although we don't have joint bank accounts. He controls the finances which is ok.
I have lived this way for so long I don't know if I could cope on my own.

Thank you for reading. Any advice?

AttilaTheMeerkat Mon 13-May-13 12:38:19

I reckon you could manage on your own and do so very well without this millstone of a man around your neck. Such an inadequate man gets what he wants from this relationship and thinks you are too weak and thus unable to leave, he has worked on you long enough to get you to such a low point. He despises your very existence, such men hate women in any case.

What do you get from this relationship now, what has kept you within this dysfunction?.

"Treading on eggshells" is just another way of saying "living in fear"; fear of his next outburst.

It is NOT okay for him to solely control the finances; this again is an indicator that you have become so inurred to his abuses of you that you'll put up with any old crap he doles out to you. What he is doing here is also amounting to financial abuse.

You have actually taken the first step to break free by writing on here; if you had not thought that anything was amiss you would not have written such a post. Your next step is to keep posting and to call Womens Aid; they can and will help you here.

What do you daughters think of him - and of you for that matter for staying with him?. Your eldest DD got out and probably does not like coming home very often. Your youngest is still there. They probably wonder why on earth you stayed with such a man for all these years seeing you ground down in the process.

What have you both taught these young people about relationships and how would you feel if they met men just like your Dad and got treated the same as you are and have been?. You've both taught them damaging lessons, ones I sincerely hope they do not repeat.

HotDAMNlifeisgood Mon 13-May-13 13:24:36

So he's a moody, controlling, nasty drunk?

You could definitely cope on your own. Especially given the vast reserves of strength and optimism you must have to merely survive in a marriage to such a drain on your energy and emotions.

What's holding you back?

badgeroncaffeine Mon 13-May-13 13:27:59

I would divorce him...25 years is long enough.

claudedebussy Mon 13-May-13 13:31:08

25 years is a life sentence. you've done your time.

Shatttttang Mon 13-May-13 16:03:48

I feel sorry for him. I know how silly that sounds. But I do.

I have tried to make things better for him. But actually I don't think I can.

The girls are used to his behaviour. They have no respect for him.

But it isn't awful all of the time.

Why do you think I should call woman's aid ?

Thank you

mistlethrush Mon 13-May-13 16:06:07

My MiL divorced shortly after their 30 yr anniversary. I'm surprised it took her so long tbh grin

Windingdown Mon 13-May-13 16:17:14

Get out girl, scoop up all life has to offer and swap treading on eggshells for dancing on air.

HotDAMNlifeisgood Mon 13-May-13 17:19:14

I have tried to make things better for him. But actually I don't think I can.

That's right, Shattttang. Only he can make things better for himself, not you. And only you can make things better for your self - by leaving a man who grinds you down.

rufussmum Mon 13-May-13 17:25:21


Moanranger Mon 13-May-13 18:03:58

Sounds just like my STBXH. We have been married 24 years and now that we split, I mourn the marriage but not the man. I am now free, do what I want and no old sourpuss moaning in my ear about every little thing. Mine drank too much too, and I won't be there when the awful death due to liver disease or similar takes him down.
Your life will be so much better without him.

Shatttttang Mon 13-May-13 18:19:45

Moan ranger - how did u get the strength to leave

Shatttttang Mon 13-May-13 18:20:46

Attila - how will woman's aid help.

AttilaTheMeerkat Mon 13-May-13 18:52:08

They can also give you the tools and advice as to how to free yourself from this man. You have been conditioned to accept his level of abuse towards not just you but your DDs because they've seen and heard it all as well.

Abusers are not awful all of the time but they do nice/nasty very well; it is all part of the nice/nasty abuse cycle they do. It is also a continuous cycle.

Genuine question - why do you feel sorry for him?. Is that due to any rescuer and or saviour complex you may have?. Sometimes too there are elements of co-dependency in such relationships; this could be why you feel that way too. He certainly has not felt any real remorse for what he has put you and your children through all these years has he?.

CogitoErgoSometimes Tue 14-May-13 09:37:13

"I have tried to make things better for him. But actually I don't think I can."

People like your DH are actually very content. By deliberately presenting this jealous, moody, miserable face to their partner, they get the red carpet treatment, they are fussed over, agreed with, placated, excused bad behaviour like drinking or having total control over the finances ... It suits him to have you believe you are responsible for jollying him along. Until you snap and then, for some bizarre reason, you think you're the bad guy.

See how it works? Manipulation. Emotional abuse. Psychological bullying. Why should he change the way he behaves when it gets him everything he could possibly want?

Womens Aid, aside from having a lot of very practical advice on offer about separation, also have case-studies of women suffering exactly what you're going through. It's so common it's frightening. I'd also suggest you get legal advice if he controls all the finances. Half of everything in the marriage (at least) is yours and you'll need that if you choose to start fresh...

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