Mothers Day a struggle

[Salbertina]

Anyone else?

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

Wasn't that in March?

[Salbertina]

Not where i am. Hi cog, how are you doing?

[Lizzabadger]

Are you talking about American Mothers' Day? It's not celebrated here. Mothering Sunday is earlier in the year.

[Lizzabadger]

Cross-post

[WhatSheSaid]

It's mothers day in lots of countries around the world today.

Why is it a struggle Salbertina?

[MrsBranestawm]

Today is Mother's Day for Americans, Australians, Kiwis etc etc. It's Mother's Day here where I live in Asia.

Why's it hard for you, OP?

[MrsBranestawm]

Xpost with what

[wellieboots]

Hi Salbertina where are you in the world? I'm in Aus and Mothers Day has been hard for me too. How are you now?

[wellieboots]

Oops lots of cross posts!

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

So why is it a struggle?

[Salbertina]

Am estranged from my own rather difficult mother so feel rather sad and stuck. Casts huge cloud over my own day with dc and cant help being angry with her for that.

My problem tho i realise! She's fucked me up enough, I need to stop it affecting my life but all the mindfulness and counselling Ive had hasn't yet moved me from being stuck in "poor me" mode, deeply angry and let down at bring so little cared for and valued by my parents and sibling. Feel I'm pushing dh and even my dc away before they "hurt" me too!

Am aware how very self-indulgent this sounds but am sleeping little atm and hard to articulate exactly what i mean.

[Salbertina]

Wellie, sorry to hear its been hard for you too. What's your story?

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

So become the mother rather than staying the kid. Promote yourself to matriarch rather than seeing yourself as a subordinate. Focus on your current life rather than dwell on the past. Easier said than done but resentment & regret are such destructive and futile emotions that it's worth the effort to change mindset.

[Salbertina]

Cog, i like that, you're always so wise! Imagining myself growing stout from too much choc (actually not that hard!), sitting in my armchair with dc fawning around me.. or not!

You're right though, it is my mindset, focus needs to be on dc not her. Just cant quite edge along though.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

It's all about confidence. I have a 'tricky' mother myself but her heart's in the right place. Coming from a long line of stern women the role of 'Mum' has always been the top position in our family so our relationship definitely changed when I had my DS 13 years ago. Like when football teams get shuffled around at the end of the season I felt a subtle shift in the power-balance i.e. I went up a division and my parents got metaphorically relegated. Well that's how I see it anyway.... and I'm in charge now. :)

[MrsSpagBol]

Great analogy Cogito!

[Salbertina]

Good for you, Cog

Sadly, I'm really not sure my dm's heart IS in the right place- she's generally been bitter and envious with little good to say about others for as long as i can remember. My df (who's still rather strangely yet endearingly besotted with her) used to ask her to "stop being do evil" on a daily basis when we were kids, rather telling.

I think she's very damaged herself- there seems to be a long line of brittle -strong yet dysfunctional women on both sides of the family perpetrating physical and emotional abuse and scapegoating of those who challenge this dynamic.

Still trying to make sense of it all before i permanently mess my own dc up!

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

Making sense of crazy, damaged people is a fairly thankless task that is best left to the professionals. In the absence of a positive example I find it's better to model yourself on the non-crazy people you meet. My version of motherhood is influenced by, but not a carbon-copy of, my DM's approach. Instead it's a hotch-potch of what I've observed & learned from other mothers - people who I admire - and coloured with my own personality. I'm sure my DS will be on the therapist's couch years from now detailing exactly where I went wrong but... meh... that's life.

[wellieboots]

Glad you've managed to talk a bit about what's going on for you. I love cogito's analogy, this is my first Aussie Mothers Day (DD only 6 months) but it is messing with my head even though it's been lovely because I am thousands of miles from my DM, and we haven't spoken to MIL for 3 months because she announced that she didn't like me and didn't want to have a relationship with DD So feel very isolated However, I have tried to focus today on the future and my little family and how lucky I am and being the best Mummy I can be regardless of whatever crap has happened. I am the only Mummy DD has ever known and she thinks I'm amazing

[Salbertina]

Oh, Wellie can you Skype your dm? Ad you say, focus on yr lovely, adoring dd and own mother and ignore Mil for now (easy to say, i know!) do you meet other local mums? Its hard being overseas sometimes!

[Mosman]

Happy Mother's Day to us all.
I got decent presents and cards for the first time ever I think. Must dump him more often

[Salbertina]

Thanks, Mosman, you too