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Can't stand xh 'tough love' approach

(4 Posts)
BouncyButterfly Fri 10-May-13 11:16:37

Divorced earlie this year after three years emotional abuse, volatility and cultural differences complicating our problems. Also felt he was heavy handed with our two ds (5 and 3).

I has to ask xh to pick up eldest yesterday as I was stuck at a funeral. Ds had to come home from school as was vomiting. Xh reluctantly took him to his flat, when I picked up ds he was crying and xh was ranting to me about how ds(who he sees weekly for four hours) is 'always whinging, and was very difficult when he was asked to come off laptop'. It was easier for me to sit with ds and listen to rant, than to challenge and have xh rage at me in front of ds.

That evening, he had come round to offer some help, and three year old ds was having a tantrum as was overtired. Xh picked ds up, in a kind of baby cuddling hold, and then restrained him, to which ds himself was raging as a response. I calmly asked xh to stop as it was distressing ds, and subsequently he did and ds came to me and calmed with a hug. Xh looked really annoyed and said I was wrong, that ds had to learn and that my calming response would be 'bad teaching' for his future. I suggested that xh consider how he would feel if suddenly restrained when angry..this was dismissed.

Do I sound like an overprotective mum or a balanced one? Xh is being nice at mo (after ranting the other week that I was a slag, ruined his life, will leave the country etc) and I am mindfull this act will last as long as I don't challenge him.
Any views please? Thanks.

Dahlen Fri 10-May-13 11:50:05

I was going to come on and suggest reaching some middle ground, but reading that he called you a slag, that you've ruined his life, etc., I'd say stick o your guns and carry on doing as you're doing. Chances are, your way is far healthier if the way he treats you is any indication of his parenting skills.

BouncyButterfly Fri 10-May-13 11:53:28

Thanks. I'm not an earth mother and I do lose my patience, I have just always found him very harsh. And, with experience of working with (older) children in care, I thought that the only ok reasons for restraining a child are if they are likely to otherwise hurt the self or someone else.

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 10-May-13 11:56:38

He's a bully. He's harsh with you and sounds like he's harsh with children. Stop him 'coming round to offer some help' in future. Use friends and family rather than including him in your life one second more than is strictly necessary.

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