At the weekend I went out with some friends for my birthday. One was my oldest friend, the others were slightly newer friends, one of whom I've only known a few months through work. I don't have many friends, so it took a little bit of courage to suggest going out, and I was pleased that they said yes.
Little bit of background: oldest friend and I have been a bit more distant recently, but she knows that I've been separated from exH for a while and that it's been hugely difficult (understatement).
Her birthday present to me was a teapot for one. It was a very pretty teapot, and I really appreciate that she went to the trouble of choosing a gift for me, but I nearly cried when I opened it. To me, it says 'you are so bloody sad, you will be alone forever, and I don't care. Look at you, haha'. (Although one year she gave me a hot water bottle, so it could be worse.)
When we were talking about her other friend's (I've met her, not present this evening though) success with men, she said 'have you thought about online dating?'. Obviously there's nothing wrong with online dating, I just felt a bit like this was further confirmation that she sees me as a total saddo who doesn't have any chance of meeting a bloke, especially compared to this other friend. Her partner has a friend who is from the same city as me, and my friend was joking about how they had 'his and hers' friends from there. I'm surprised she has never thought of introducing us (don't thing her partner's friend is in a relationship).
Newest friend from work seems very nice, talkative, energetic etc. At the beginning of the evening she had been talking about another bar and how we should go there together sometime as she'd already been with some other people from work. I thought this would be great as we're the same age and she seems to like the same music etc. as me, so I responded enthusiastically. At the end of the evening I brought this up again and said perhaps we could go out together with some other people from work sometime. She replied 'yes, sure, maybe we can meet in a cafe and talk about [work related] things' (redacted for anonymity). She's been out with other work people, so there is no way she thought I meant a work meeting or anything like that.
So now I feel like the small number of friends I have think I am boring and that I have no life. I am the only one with a child, and my life has been slightly difficult in the last couple of years. Am I being unreasonable to be disappointed in oldest friend?
Newest friend's perception of me seems to be almost the polar opposite of how I see myself, so how do I get out of the 'boring!' pigeonhole and present myself as the person I actually am/used to be before life sucked the joy out of me?
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A bl**dy teapot for one?!
NomNomNom · 07/05/2013 22:51
Hi Nom, firstly I am so sorry to hear you are having a crap time, I haven't been in your situation but I didn't want to read and run!
I think you know yourself that your old friend didn't mean anything by the gift, although I can see where you are coming from. We once linked up a good girl friend with a good friend of DH. They dated for a while, and it was extremely awkward when they broke up - it might be this which is why your friend hasn't suggested anything.
I suspect your old friend is just worried you are lonely hence the comments about online dating, and may have been (clumsily) using her other friend as an example to work it into the conversation not to put you down.
In my experience, work friends are seldom on a par with out of work friends so try not to worry too much about that. In 17 years of full time work I have only hung onto maybe two people, out of literally dozens who I felt really close to over the years.
Are you happy with yourself? Do you feel happy and confident? Would a wardrobe overhaul/hairdo/new shoes give you a boost? Or maybe a new hobby or get more involved with an old one (you said you like music, is that something that could be manipulated into a hobby?)
take care and 
I am the only one with a child
I think that's the issue right there, nothing to do with you lacking anything. The ones without DCs won't have any experience of how they dominate your life nor how you can actually make arrangements to free up time, it may not be spontaneous because you need to plan in advance, but it's possible.
If you have come out of a long relationship, you probably prioritised home life above outside friendships, extras like hobbies and pastimes, you're just out of practice.
Firstly (sounds calculating) assess your existing friends. Can you drum up another night out, see what gigs are on, can you fix a weekend away even in the UK just to have a girls' break?
Do you have a reliable babysitter, can you take up exercise or sport or go to an evening class?
I don't know whether you are on good terms with your child's father or whether you have grandparent support, but perhaps you can figure out how to regularly do voluntary work or join a group activity.
PS I recall a MNer who in very trying circumstances regarding her faithless exH was equally upset at receiving a similar one teapot/cup set from her MIL, must be catching 
.
In the nicest, gentlest way I think you are overthinking all of this.
You sound terribly low and I suspect that is making you see criticism where none is intended.
Personally, I think the teapot was a lovely idea and in no way a suggestion that you're going to be on your own for ever. I don't think any of the other comments or suggestions were meant unkindly.
Try to focus on yourself and what you can do to feel less isolated and un happy. I'm sorry you are having a hard time.
"PS I recall a MNer who in very trying circumstances regarding her faithless exH was equally upset at receiving a similar one teapot/cup set from her MIL, must be catching"
Yes, that was me! 
I dunno - some people hate the thought of others being single and do make stupid comments and act weird after a separation or divorce. I'd be 
about the teapot too. Useful for smashing against a wall if you have a bad day though
Maybe the newer friends comments wouldn't have bothered you as much if you weren't feeling so sensitive after the first friend's comments/behaviour? If the newer friend is not being ultra friendly then sod her you are very nice I'm sure, just move on and don't let it put you off making friends. These things can be hard when you're newly on your own tbh.
nomnom I'm sure you're not! don't blame yourself so readily I reckon - nowt wrong with having a moan about exh and definitely a bonus to have dd 
there's a whole world of people out there who like gigs, have dcs and have exh's to moan about
I thought of Lou's ex-MIL's teapot too. I think in that case they are genuinely a bit strange and tin-eared for emotions!
Your old friend presumably isn't like that, although she does seem to have form for slightly shit presents? The changing the subject business could be read two ways, I think. She might be being unsupportive, but she also might be (misguidedly) feeling it's her job at this stage to jolly you out of it. Only you know, from context and her character, which is more likely.
New friend: I agree with Wordy, you really don't know that that's about you. She might just be one of those slightly brittle people who leads people on and then blows them off without knowing she's doing it. One to monitor.
Having said all that, there's nothing wrong with a bit of a wake-up call, if you feel you could do with getting back in touch with some "real you" activities.
very understandable I think OP - it does seem to be the case that some friends don't hang around after a separation/divorce 
but then again just keep searching and branch out more. How about some kind of 'hobby'/interest so that you can meet like minded people and find yourself a bit more too.
Also there's meetup website and gingerbread. Try not to worry too much about the cafe woman - I think when your confidence improves you'd have just gone and not taken it so much to heart. Sounds like boosting your confidence is the main thing you need just now?
anyway why wouldn't someone just make less tea in a normal sized pot if they wanted 
and also you might have friends round
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