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18 months on from leaving EA marriage.... did I do the right thing? Spaghetti head...

(16 Posts)
financialnightmare Mon 06-May-13 22:32:54

18 months on, but no sign of divorcing yet.

He utterly HATES me for leaving. Blames me all the time, still so angry with me.

He has the children 50:50 and they are so unhappy sometimes that we split up. They want us back together. They never saw us argue (I was too scared to argue with him!) and because I left the marital home, I think they feel that I 'left them'. sad

I tell them that we aren't getting back together, but they are so unhappy sometimes.

And he still has them half the time. I feel bad about that.

I just need some reassurance tonight that I've done the right thing... I feel like I've just split the children's world in half, and that I've messed them up. I don't see how it helps them, having two lives. I feel as though leaving just helped me.

Whowhowhoswho Mon 06-May-13 22:45:29

Hi you were so brave to get out.

I am 22 years in and still here. My husband is abusive, controlling and moody. I am in the same situation now that I was 10 years ago and still haven't had the courage to leave.

I stayed because of the kids. They are now 23 and 18. They have heard years of arguing. Abuse etc. I should never have stayed this long.

He is no better. I on the other hand am on medication for anxiety and panic attacks my therapist says because of my husband.

So you have done the right thing. Bravo. You will look back and see you made the right decision. Well done and stay strong xx

EllaFitzgerald Mon 06-May-13 22:56:04

You've absolutely done the right thing. The children might be unhappy sometimes but that's only because they're too young to understand. You need to be healthy and happy and you can't be that living with him.

bountyicecream Mon 06-May-13 23:00:13

I agree with all the above plus you are hopefully reducing the chance of your DC ending up in EA relationships as they will learn that it is not a 'normal' relationship.

Well done for getting out.

PenelopePitstop72 Mon 06-May-13 23:15:24

Even if you think the children didnt hear, i think they would pick up on undercurrents and tension and that can be verynhard too. You are now showing them mummy is genuinely happy and what a healthy, happy home looks and feels like. What better thing could you offer them? Do you think bringing dad back home, would magically make a wonderfully funtioning family unit and all would be well? I think not.

I also agree with last posters comment about reducing their risk of being in an EA relationship themselves - as either the giver or receiver! My eldest DD is acting that very last point out right now, and it breaks my heart that her idea of a loving relationship was learned at home. And she cannot see it at all for herself! I will keep chipping away, but If i could turn back time.... My youngest DD (5) is also very distressed about daddy not being home anymore and it is heart breaking. I empathise.

Remember, What Ifs are normal. Stay on course with the direction you have chosen. You followed your gut. Keep listening, amd dont let your heart rule your head. X

currentlyconfuseddotcom Mon 06-May-13 23:19:20

You did the right thing. Things will settle, you need to divorce ASAP and get some closure on this. He can't be allowed to still vent anger at you. How is he doing this, does he rant at you?

You sound sure that leaving has helped you, it will work out in time smile

financialnightmare Tue 07-May-13 00:15:27

Thank you so much for your kind words.

It is so hard not to feel as though this is all my fault and I am a terrible person.

I wish I could make the children happier. I try so hard to give them happy days and to encourage them to be open and honest and to treat people with kindness.

I don't regret it for myself - not at all - but I do wish I could have chosen a better daddy for them.

currentlyconfuseddotcom Tue 07-May-13 00:23:22

It's not your fault, the relationship wasn't working.

Does your ex influence the children?

50shadesofbrown Tue 07-May-13 00:32:01

What Penelope said. My DDad was an alcoholic & my parents were always arguing, it's my main childhood memory. I got involved with a man who turned out to be worse (not alcoholic but extremely EA), took me years to leave him as I didn't realise how bad it was - to me it was normal.

Protect your children by setting a better example for them, only then can they see what a healthy relationship is & have the strength to fight for it for themselves.

financialnightmare Tue 07-May-13 00:36:12

I don't know if he influences the children. I don't think so. He was always a good daddy and his new partner is nice and the children like her, which is good.

He just hates me so much though, for leaving, and I worry that this will rub off on the children. They sometimes ask why he doesn't speak to me when he drops them off etc. It's been 18 months and it feels like all he does is put all his energy into hating me.

currentlyconfuseddotcom Tue 07-May-13 00:42:35

financial, are you projecting your guilt a little? Has he told you this or are you inferring it from him being cold when he drops the children off?

TheSilveryPussycat Tue 07-May-13 01:06:44

You did the right thing. I stuck it out for too long, and my MH suffered. It improved the moment I filed for divorce.

Why no sign of divorcing yet? All you have to do is... do it.

financialnightmare Tue 07-May-13 01:11:33

Divorce has started but he is delaying everything and refusing to produce documents etc.

Thank you all for kind words. X

Beckamaw Tue 07-May-13 01:28:42

Same shit here!

Same as you, I left. 50/50 shared residency. He was very abusive.
When I left he just kept referring to 'what I had done.'
I was bemused, baffled, angry. He could not accept his role in the demise of the relationship.
The only saving grace was that I had kept e-mails from him accepting responsibility and promising to change. I re-read them often.
He still told the world that I had left him in misery and that I was a terrible person!! I think he believes it too.

He dragged the divorce to walking pace, but we got there. Thank goodness!
I am 4 yrs down the line. Engaged to fabulous DP with a new-ish baby. It's still hard with the children's arrangements, but it is best for them. I studied developmental psych and have no doubt that they are better with two involved parents. They are totally accepting now. It is fine.

Even exH is becoming more friendly and communicative.shock

Don't you dare wobble lady!
You are doing the right thing. Keep doing it. smile

TheSilveryPussycat Tue 07-May-13 01:58:32

I had to take mine to court over the financial settlement, but by that time we were actually divorced. Mine refused to supply financial info to my sol, so had no other option. I could get the absolute before that because our pensions were too small to be worth fighting over, so it was the house and capital over which we negotiated.

financialnightmare Tue 07-May-13 08:15:24

Sma here Becka. He said I had no right to end it, and that I had destroyed everything and left him with nothing.

Except all the money natch. hmm

I also have emails from friends from over the years, when we were together, telling me what a shit he was. (Wish I'd listened.)

Thanks all for your kind words.

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