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Sister's dp has isolated her from family.

8 replies

mrsmillsfanclub · 05/05/2013 09:33

Elder sister was in loveless marriage for years, she left when kids were in their late teens. We were all delighted when she met a childhood boyfriend and started a relationship with him.
Within a few months she left our area (he thought it was too common, despite him having grown up there) and spent a lot of money on a lovely rental property. He moved in immediately but contributed very little financially in her words.
He made it clear that he didn't really like our family (too large, too chatty) so mine and my other siblings visits started to Petter out as he made things very awkward, by not speaking, yawning loudly etc. He then told my sister he didn't like crowds so wouldn't be attending any more events with our family. However, he is more than happy to go to parties, weddings, etc with his own family, ex wives, kids. Which my sister gladly attends otherwise she'd have no social life.
I have lost not only a sister but a friend. Her own children, who are easy going and hard working have all left home because of his constant criticism & my sister has basically told them to like it or lump it.
I caught him hand in hand with his ex last year, but didn't tell ds because she is aware he is not honest with her but refuses to leave him.
I know there is no solution but just feel so sad about it that I needed to vent. Sorry about the length of this post.

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mummytime · 05/05/2013 09:38

I'm really sad for you.

The only thing you can do is to always leave the door open to her. So still send Christmas Cards, invite her to things, phone occasionally, remind her she is always welcome to visit. And hope one day the scales fall from her eyes. It does sound as t Hugh she has rather low self esteem.

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mrsmillsfanclub · 05/05/2013 09:51

Thanks for your reply. Yes, the door will always be open. I just miss the shared laughs, the crying on each others shoulders. It feels like a bereavement, know that sounds daft. The ideal solution would be for him to leave but I know she'd be devastated so that's not good either.

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jkklpu · 05/05/2013 09:54

If her kids are grown-up, why can't you go round to hers or invite her to yours?

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CogitoErgoSometimes · 05/05/2013 10:12

If she's aware he's dishonest, sponging and prepared to let him drive her kids and family away then she's a fool. Hate it when people are so pathetically grateful and insecure that they sacrifice all their self-respect for the sake of 'having a boyfriend'. Keep going round even if he yawns, won't you? Make fun of his antics rather than being offended. Keep inviting them to family events. The more 'normal' you and the rest of the family are, the more abnormal he's going to look.

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mrsmillsfanclub · 05/05/2013 10:15

She gets so worked up about how he might react that it has put us off visiting her. He makes it very clear that none of us are welcome. I could ignore this, but she now makes excuses for us not to visit, his own family visit a lot.
She won't come to ours because she works full time and when she is off then so is he and he gets annoyed if she visits us. He isn't keen on her visiting her own children either.

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mrsmillsfanclub · 05/05/2013 10:19

I agree cogito. She has very low self esteem and is terrified he'll leave. She said he was the love of her life and would sacrifice everything to make him happy. She is unrecognisable from the person she was a few years ago, she's become a clone of him. Very bitter, obsessed with other people's wealth and very intolerant of most people.

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CogitoErgoSometimes · 05/05/2013 10:21

It's your sister and you don't need an invitation... make an excuse to be in the area and drop in unannounced. He sounds pretty horrible from what you describe but do you think it goes beyond the emotional abuse? Her being worried 'how he might react' for example... is he physically/verbally aggressive to your knowledge? Would your nephews/neices tell you?

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mrsmillsfanclub · 05/05/2013 10:29

No, he is not abusive. Although her children tell me he is passive/aggressive with them. He barely talks above a whisper but can make people feel uncomfortable just with a look. Sister has idolised him since they were children but he was never interested. She was the one who went looking for him after her divorce & did all the running. For the first year he was swinging from my sister to his ex and back again. I told her hundreds of times she was worth more , but she'd go running back for more. She is in her late 40s so you can only warn someone so many times before giving up.