Feeling frustrated by a secret that I have kept from my mother...

ChocDee · 2013-04-29 14:47:08

Long story I'm afraid. I had an unhappy childhood due to my mother remarried an abusive man and her being totally unable to deal with any confrontation. I left home at 15, due to circumstances not by choice and not due to my relationship with her. Then left the country at 16 to live with my father in the UK and did not speak to her for about a year because I was very angry with her. Slowly built a relationship back up until I was at university and suddenly had a total mind fuck and seriously suspected that the bastard that she had married may have been sexually abusive towards me. (He was dead and buried by then and she had left him years previously). Asked her about it on the phone, panicked, hyperventilated and had to put the phone down. She never called me back. I did not speak to her for a couple of years after that. Once again, very very slowly we began to rebuild our relationship and I would visit her in her country once a year. Things were looking good, and a lot of my anger towards her, her country and the whole family situation was dissapating. We went to visit my grandparents and I rediscovered them in a big way; especially my grandfather. It was great talking to him about his past etc since he was a very interesting man etc. Was fairly distraught that I had wasted so many years not being in contact with him since here was a man who could have been some kind of father figure etc. The very next day he deliberately touched my tits and tried to get me to rub his upper thighs etc. more than once. Bastard. I was distraught and that was it for me. Fuck that country and its people, and definately a big fuck off to that part of my gene pool. The decision was made that I was not to tell my mother. And that was it. My relationship with her has never recovered, I turned my back totally and walked away. That was many many years ago now. She gave up her life to care for her father when he became older and started loosing his legs (literally!), and she ran herself ragged for him. If she had known what he did she may have made some other choices? Spoke to her today and she was once again yammering on about her father. He has achieved some kind of God like status in her mind by now and she is trying to reinstate him into history. He used to be a fairly successful artist and she wants to have a big exhibition of his life and work at the famous porcelain factory where he started his career. But there is also some kind of mystery as to why he left, and why it looks like he has been 'erased' from their record. She yammers on and on wondering why this happened 60 years ago . In my mind whilst listening to her I can pretty much guess. He obviously tried it on with someone he shouldn't have ( he had numerous affairs throughout his marriage, and yes my grandmother was 5 meters away around the corner when he tried to get his yayas with me). So yes I am frustrated. Frustrated that I never told her. Frustrated to have to listening to him being painted as a god. Frustrated with the whole bloody thing really. Oh and I am frustrated with my mother for being a martyr. Frustrated with her for being so bloody inadequate. Aaaargh, sorry. I guess I just needed to vent as I was sooooooo tempted to just blurt out my theories as to why and what happened to me. But that would destroy her so I will keep quiet. Meanwhile she is spending money she has not got trawling the Internet for his work and buying two or three sets of everything so that me and my sister can have it to remember him by. I do not want them. Sorry Aout this being so long, and thank you for listening and allowing me to unload.

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