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Feeling frustrated by a secret that I have kept from my mother...

(7 Posts)
ChocDee Mon 29-Apr-13 14:47:08

Long story I'm afraid.
I had an unhappy childhood due to my mother remarried an abusive man and her being totally unable to deal with any confrontation.

I left home at 15, due to circumstances not by choice and not due to my relationship with her. Then left the country at 16 to live with my father in the UK and did not speak to her for about a year because I was very angry with her.

Slowly built a relationship back up until I was at university and suddenly had a total mind fuck and seriously suspected that the bastard that she had married may have been sexually abusive towards me. (He was dead and buried by then and she had left him years previously).
Asked her about it on the phone, panicked, hyperventilated and had to put the phone down. She never called me back.

I did not speak to her for a couple of years after that. Once again, very very slowly we began to rebuild our relationship and I would visit her in her country once a year.

Things were looking good, and a lot of my anger towards her, her country and the whole family situation was dissapating.

We went to visit my grandparents and I rediscovered them in a big way; especially my grandfather. It was great talking to him about his past etc since he was a very interesting man etc.

Was fairly distraught that I had wasted so many years not being in contact with him since here was a man who could have been some kind of father figure etc. The very next day he deliberately touched my tits and tried to get me to rub his upper thighs etc. more than once.

Bastard. I was distraught and that was it for me. Fuck that country and its people, and definately a big fuck off to that part of my gene pool.

The decision was made that I was not to tell my mother. And that was it. My relationship with her has never recovered, I turned my back totally and walked away.

That was many many years ago now. She gave up her life to care for her father when he became older and started loosing his legs (literally!), and she ran herself ragged for him. If she had known what he did she may have made some other choices?

Spoke to her today and she was once again yammering on about her father. He has achieved some kind of God like status in her mind by now and she is trying to reinstate him into history. He used to be a fairly successful artist and she wants to have a big exhibition of his life and work at the famous porcelain factory where he started his career.

But there is also some kind of mystery as to why he left, and why it looks like he has been 'erased' from their record. She yammers on and on wondering why this happened 60 years ago . In my mind whilst listening to her I can pretty much guess. He obviously tried it on with someone he shouldn't have ( he had numerous affairs throughout his marriage, and yes my grandmother was 5 meters away around the corner when he tried to get his yayas with me).

So yes I am frustrated. Frustrated that I never told her. Frustrated to have to listening to him being painted as a god. Frustrated with the whole bloody thing really. Oh and I am frustrated with my mother for being a martyr. Frustrated with her for being so bloody inadequate.

Aaaargh, sorry. I guess I just needed to vent as I was sooooooo tempted to just blurt out my theories as to why and what happened to me. But that would destroy her so I will keep quiet. Meanwhile she is spending money she has not got trawling the Internet for his work and buying two or three sets of everything so that me and my sister can have it to remember him by. I do not want them.

Sorry Aout this being so long, and thank you for listening and allowing me to unload.

dothraki Mon 29-Apr-13 15:02:25

Choc - that is dreadful. I don't understand though why don't you tell her. Have you talked to your sister ?

ChocDee Mon 29-Apr-13 15:35:40

At the time I did not tell her because as I spoke to my father and step mother and we decided that she was probably too weak and isolated to actually cope with it. I was leaving and I did not know at the time that it would totally destroy my relationship with her. She lived on her own on utter hoarding filth, absolutely no friends whatsoever and she has had a totally shitty life really. Father left her for OW, married an abusive man, lost both her only children to the UK etc. Even though she was not particularly close to her parents at the time we felt it would hurt her too much. So instead she ended up with a godlike father figure and no children.

Yes, I told my sister. She was not surprised though he had never laid a hand on her. But she is more keen on the godlike status than I am so we do not mention it. She has not got a relationship with my mother either since she is rather inadequate.

Through the years I have been able to be there out of duty to support DM. I was the one who went to his funeral to support her. (In my mind an absolute farce but that is another story), and when she went into hospital I flew over a couple of times. The second time my DH and I totally cleared and cleaned her flat. It could have been a show on hoarders and how clean is your house no problem. Actually that was the second time I have cleared her living space for her. As I said, she has issues of her own without me piling on more...

ClaimedByMe Tue 30-Apr-13 18:26:09

Do you think your mothers behaviour is maybe due to some abuse in her own childhood? If your grandfather could do that to you do you think she was possibly subjected to it too as a child?

Springdiva Wed 01-May-13 03:18:58

Your poor mother prob had an unpleasant childhood, of some sort, her living in squalor and marrying an abusive man suggests she had low self-esteem and probably other major issues.

You could say to her that there is something suspicious as to why GF left his work place without saying more than that. But possibly humouring her is the easiest way forward.

I don't think she will change now but could you ask GP to refer you for counseling to help you get your head around these sad events from your past. It's not a healthy burden to bear. Some closure for you would be good. Best of luck Choc.

ChocDee Wed 01-May-13 10:13:36

Thank you so much for reading and taking the time to re

ChocDee Wed 01-May-13 10:28:12

Darn it! Thank you for taking the time to reply!

Yeah, I suspect that something must have been going on during her childhood though not necessarily of a sexual nature. Her sister is also totally barmy and they no longer speak to each other. She had a major tantrum when we contacted her to tell that my mother was in hospital nearly dead.

I have voiced that something fishy must have been going on with him suddenly leaving his home town where he had a high profile by all accounts. She keeps going over all the reasons why it was strange that they left so suddenly. Apparently he cried about it the day before he died. But hey, if he was crying about that and not for being part responsible for me withdrawing forever I do not think he ever was honest about it to her.

Anyway, I am cool about it most of the time since she is so far away in a different country. I found it hard to get my head around that I ever even lived there. I had excellent counselling for two years which helped tremendously so I am very lucky.

We tried during the last crisis to get her to accept help and counselling etc but she adamantly refused.

I know I should probably head over there sometime to check that her home has not deteriorated into a pig sty again. It's a shame that I actually don't want to... Yes, I feel some guilt about that but since she is so far away it is so easy to forget. She does not know me. The 16 year old daughter from her own country does not exist anymore. I have no affinity to her country whatsoever.

Blah blah blah... I'll shut up now!!

Thank you once again!

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