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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

:( any advice appreciated

14 replies

mrsericnorthmaniwish · 29/04/2013 12:16

Hello,I have posted a couple of times, advice is most appreciated as it goes round and round my head otherwise. I have been married for nearly 12 years, 3dcs(6,5&3)and I am sahm. I have been unhappy for a few years now but have always put how I feel to one side and carried on, hoping it will get better. Now I find I can't, I just have no incentive anymore to make things better and I feel I just don't care:( my h will stay up late while I am in bed by 10pm, I am on my own at bath time and bedtime while he sits at computer or watches tv, I get up every morning for dcs-often just after 6am-he has never got up with them in the morning, he will sleep in until 7.30 or 8am then when he gets up its to watch tv not help. It's me who takes them to school and collects them even if he is off. Lately he has slept in on a day off and dcs are off, so we have gone out without him. His work is not regular and he will often be off in the week and working at weekends, I am on my own with the dcs at weekends so we go off out, same in the holidays as he won't set aside a day for us to spend as a family. We don't do anything together either. I have tried to talk to him over the years but nothing changes and now I feel I have nothing left-I have cried, shouted, slammed doors, walked away and it's the same:( I finally sought legal advice a few weeks ago. Since then I have attempted to tell him how I feel, that I have had enough and don't care anymore, still nothing. He has chosen to sit at computer to avoid talking to me or confronting me-this has not helped, it's made it worse. Finally last week I told him I been to solicitor and he could expect a letter. He then wanted to go to counselling, thought he may have a depression problem and couldn't we stay together for the children? I told him it was pointless. Next day he behaves as if nothing has happened, he has done this after every talk we have had. Couple days after he want to talk and proceeds to tell me that I must have someone else as I don't see any point(I don't) he blamed the children saying they are too stressful for me, he said he knows he has a problem but doesn't know how to get help( rubbish, I would have and have tried to help him in the past)he is unhappy we not been intimate for months now(my fault, I don't want to) and he feels left out because I have the children and there is nothing left for him, they come first not him which irritates him. I am confused and upset, I can't do this anymore, it's making me miserable:( he has had many chances to suggest we need help, he may need some help and for us to try and sort out our issues, but he has said nothing until now:( now I have decided enough is enough, nothing will change. am i being unfair? Hope it makes sense, thank you for reading

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LibertineLover · 29/04/2013 12:20

It makes perfect sense to me, and no, you're not being unfair. IMO he's just suggesting these things now as he can't be arsed to be on his own, not because he has any real feeling for you. If he had he would have been trying to fix this long ago.

He doesn't care if you and the children are miserable, just if he is.

LTB and go on to have an amazing life with your kids.

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Zoonose · 29/04/2013 12:25

It makes sense to me too. You have reached your limit. The time for him to decide to change things was before you reached that limit. Like you say, he has had many chances. It is not as if he didn't know you were not happy.

You only live once. It sounds like this situation has been dragging you down for a long time. I would keep going forwards. It sounds like it would take a great deal for him to change. Do you think he really has it in him?

I would keep going onwards and upwards, take control and make a happy life for you and your DC.

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mrsericnorthmaniwish · 29/04/2013 12:30

That's it, I have tried for so long, I feel I have nothing left, when I think about trying I feel very deflated And unenthusiastic:( the time to offer counselling was before I got to this stage and we have had many 'talks' although its me doing the talking, but he has done absolutely nothing. If he wanted to change and improve things surely he would have done so? Not carried on knowing it was not making me happy, quite the opposite:(

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Kaluki · 29/04/2013 12:36

You are already near enough a single Mum by the sounds of it.
Get rid of this loser and be a happy single mum.
Your kids will be picking up on the tension in the house.
He has had plenty of chances to do something about it so now its too little too late.

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mrsericnorthmaniwish · 29/04/2013 12:55

Yes, that's been said to me 'too little too late' I am just finding it hard, especially as it seems he is turning it all onto me and making it all my fault, that's making me doubt myself and I start to think maybe.... But then I remember every time I tried and now nothing changed:( I feel like a heartless cow, I just wish he had said this a year or so ago, not wait for me to feel like this:( what makes me feel worse is I don't think he would have done anything or said anything if I didn't-he would have just carried on, then another fall out would have happened, then got forgotten, move on, then it would happen again- that's been the pattern:(

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Zoonose · 29/04/2013 13:16

That's your answer then, isn't it? - that he wouldn't have done anything. No wonder your feelings for him have worn away.

Don't feel like a heartless cow. You have tried to make it work! You have tried very hard. But your priority is yours and your children's happiness and the most sensible course of action towards establishing that right now is the one that you are taking.

If anything, I suspect you actually leaving might be the only chance that he will turn himself around. You are breaking the cycle you have been in. He needs to change by himself, of his own motivation. In the meantime you can build a better future for you and your children. Whether or not he does change and whether or not you later decide to give it another go doesn't mean you should divert from your plan of action as it is now.

It must be hard not to get confused and upset by his reaction. No doubt this has hit him hard - this is the stark reality he is facing after a lengthy time neglecting to be part of a functioning family. No doubt he feels angry and upset and so on. But it's beside the practical point - the best thing for you (it seems from what you have said here) is still to leave.

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Zoonose · 29/04/2013 13:17

And it may well be the best thing for him, too.

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mrsericnorthmaniwish · 29/04/2013 13:25

Thank you, yes, I am now thinking of myself and my children, I know it will be hard but it can't go on as it is, for any of us. I am still in the home as he is, I am not going to leave for the children's sake, he has made it clear he is not going either-that's my next issue to get to grips with:(

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Zoonose · 29/04/2013 13:54

It's not going to be easy, is it?

Perhaps it will become easier once he has accepted that you mean what you say. I suppose you just need to keep pressing the point that the relationship has come to an end - whether he sees that or not - he has had his chance many times over - and that you need to live separately. The only logical solution to that is for you to stay in the home with the children, which is more than likely what a court would decide, and it is better for all concerned to put your own (ie yours and his) interests aside, and work from the perspective of what is right for your children without some huge extended bitter argument. I think it is pretty well accepted that it is best for children in this situation to stay in their family home. If he can't accept that amicably then it will very likely only lead to an extended fight that produces the same result.

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BeCool · 29/04/2013 14:06

You've tried and tried without success. You've tried to talk and work things out, you've tried to get him more involved etc etc and he has simply ignored you and your needs for years.

Only when you get to the point where he can't avoid doing something (ie I've seen a lawyer, I want to separate) he makes a half hearted attempt at what?

he has ignored you and your feeling and your needs for years and years. He's a very selfish person.

I have no advice re housing situation, but it does sound as though you are doing the right thing. We are all here to support you.

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queenjellybelly · 29/04/2013 14:13

In a similar situation but just letting things drift. I don't have the courage to take the steps I know I need to and am full of admiration for you for standing up & putting you & your children first. Well done. I know it must have been difficult to instigate such a dramatic change but once all the stress is over, let yourself breathe a huge sigh of relief. A divorced friend once says to me that its hard to be a single mum to 2 kids but its even harder being a single mum to 2 kids & a knobhead!!!

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mrsericnorthmaniwish · 29/04/2013 14:42

It's taken me years to get here and I am still having doubts but I know I have to see it through now because I can see a tiny light. I am staying in the home because of the children, it's their home with schools etc nearby and he should be the one to leave, although the house is in his name only and he seems to see it as his:( he is not considering the children, just himself. My concern is my children, not me -if it were just me I would have gone many moons ago. queen, you will reach your limit one day, that's what people said to me and you will:)

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BeCool · 29/04/2013 14:55

I reached my limit on 29/12/12. I've been (mainly) on the up ever since. I'm certainly not looking back.

I still miss him at times, and wish things could be different, but the actual very real FACTS are they aren't different and he wasn't prepared to put any work into the relationship. The things that I miss are things that never were. If I was still in the relationship, I'd still be missing them.

To quote Dolly Parton "Love is like a butterfly" - easily mangled irreparably if care is not taken.

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mrsericnorthmaniwish · 29/04/2013 15:48

That's it-he has not taken care of his marriage, consequently it's falling apart, he has made no effort to work at anything, just left all the work to me and its take, take no give back. I take comfort from your words, when he is not here the dcs and I manage just fine, when he is I hate it and will stay out of the way.