Another outburst from DH – why does his behaviour vary so much ?

[ConfusedButNotInsane]

Yesterday something happened. I know this isn?t normal. I?ll try to be brief. I would love to get some feedback and suggestions from mners.

Yesterday evening I got home around 8 :15pm. DH was cooking. We chatted as he continued preparing two other dishes. I helped him a bit with the cooking and made a salad.

DD (17) came home at 9pm as had been agreed with her. I brought the food that was ready into the dining room and served DD with salad and another dish that was ready. DH continued with the cooking ? one dish that only he would eat was not quite finished. DD and I were chatting about her day and what she is going to do next. I think it is important to sit with the children when they are eating. I think it is even better if the whole family eats together. DH doesn?t seem to share that view, and often waits until everyone has finished before he begins eating; or sometimes he eats early even before I get home. On this occasion, the dish that he wanted to eat wasn't quite ready and I thought nothing of it.

Yesterday, whilst sitting with DD, I also started eating the salad that I had made and a bit of the chicken. DH stormed in and said some nasty things. His complaint was that he had been cooking all evening and was not included in the meal. This went on for a bit and then he went back to the kitchen. I also went back into the kitchen and began clearing up.

Then a text arrived from DS2, which DH read aloud to me. We then started chatting about DS2?s wonderful achievements and related things, which is one of DH?s favourite topics of conversation.

DHs behaviour yesterday was odd in the way that he flipped from nice to nasty and back again so quickly. It is hard to predict how he is going to behave and whether something will make him flip. He doesn?t usually flip back to good behaviour so quickly. Except that he didn?t eat anything but slept on the sofa.

This morning he has said that he doesn?t want to cook any more for the family, that I should make my own food and not eat what he makes, and that he doesn?t want to eat anything I make. He didn?t eat the breakfast I had made or drink the coffee.

Things like this happen a lot. When the DCs were small and I was picking them up after their evening activities, they would always ask whether daddy is in a bad mood. I know it isn?t normal but I cannot make sense of it. Can anyone help me? For a start, what is ?normal? in terms of eating? And if your DH/DP wants to eat different foods at different times, how do you cope?

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

This is about power and control. This is one of his methods of exerting same over you. Abusers also do nice/nasty very well but is all part of their continuous cycle of abuse.

Seems too like he values his son over both you and his DD to your respective detriments. I sincerely hope your DD never gets together with someone like her Dad.

Your children years ago were very perceptive but for your own reasons you've stayed with him.

Why have you stayed with such a person who you have seemed to tiptoe around for now so many years?.

[mistlethrush]

DH and I eat very different foods at the moment - he's doing the Dukan diet and eats meat, I'm a vegetarian and doing 5:2.

When it is convenient (ie he's on a veg day) he will quite often make something that I can also have some of (eg veg stew). Similarly, if I start first, I would do something that he can have too. Sometimes he doesn't finish cooking 'his' until after DS and I start - but he simply sorts it out and joins us - or if he is not hungry when DS needs to eat, he will eat later - and sometimes I will also eat later with him.

Sounds to me as though your H is petty, mean and not actually playing a proper role in your partnership.

Can you keep the split up - who is in charge of shopping - do you both work ... lots of other questions on how you function as a partnership and your roles.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

I think the mood-swings are a bigger concern than eating arrangements, frankly. In our house it's polite to wait until everyone is sat down before starting but we don't exactly stand on ceremony and it would probably be met with a cheery 'Oi you greedy lot!' rather than a big tantrum.

I think you need to talk to him. He seems to be wanting to detach on the one hand and be included on the other.... you can't live on eggshells like that waiting for someone to 'flip'. It is emphatically not normal. Mood-swings can also be symptomatic of several medical conditions. Has he ever seen a GP?

[Dahlen]

Is he moody generally, or does his erratic behaviour always centre on food?