moved out, now what?(3 Posts)
DH and I have been together since I was 18, 2 small dc. He's ten years older. I've always had doubts- grass is greener bollox, when really it's not, he's a great guy and a lovely family man. Some niggles re his involvement in family life etc., but nothing substantial. Came to a head last summer when I said I could not spend another 15 odd years with doubts, that he deserved someone sure about him. Agreed kids and I would more to property v local to family home (same size). Been living here 5 months now, he stays two or three nights a week, they haven't stayed at his as they seem settled here and he's happy to stay here (no pressure from either of us, pattern has just emerged). Some couples and individual counselling, hard to make time for it, we're going together again next week.
I am worried that I am keeping him hanging because I am scared of being alone. Equally I am scared of saying it's over, or can we see other people etc. (noone else involved or lined up!)
I am also worried about us drifting along like this indefinitely. Had a talk tonight about him having kids 2 nights (Thurs here, Fri at his - least unsettling with school week etc). Both happy with that. Have had date nights etc - even a holiday - everything just feels so loaded for us to have sex, get back together, fall in love - he kisses me hello/goodbye, adds kisses to texts, messages a lot, I squirm back from it.
Sorry - am rambling here, trying to make sense of it myself. I need to end it I think and give him the chance to move on. I've tried, and i feel failed, to get over my grass is greener bullshit and fall in love with my lovely man, so that's it then. I want to fall in love with him. When he's not here I don't miss him and want him here, I just wish I did feel that way and so I feel a bit sad. When he's here he's under my feet and I wish him away. I can't imagine life without him in it as my partner, but I can't work out how to want him either.
Has anyone been in a similar situation? It's not so much needing to fall back in love, as we pretty much got together because I was in a bad place and he was there for me and loved me, and treated me well. In return I treated him well- I'm a right "motherer". We made each other happy but I don't know if it was love. Because I was 18, and had had shitty role models of family life/love, and had only had obsessiony-crushes prior to him.
Can I fall in love with him? How? Would a break where we both saw (or had the option to see) other people completely fuck it up or could it help? It has crossed my mind that i could be depressed/ mental/ insecurity issues feeling I'm not worthy so ruining it for no reason etc etc. I just don't know.
Thanks for any constructive input, sorry for rambling. Feel I'm boring RL friends to tears- they caringly ask how it's going, and the answer is always "still the same..." Something's gotta change.
Tell us more about the individual counselling sessions you've had - what has it uncovered? Any big realisations?
My counselling has unearthed issues regarding my own parents - divorce, passive aggression (parents again), OCD (my mum), why I settled down so young (need for security etc), and that I over think, over plan etc, while he craves stability - likes being provider for stable wife/kids in same city close to family etc. he is naturally calm, laid back etc, while I crave excitement/new experiences/change. I run the family home, and we were in a pattern where he played the role of provider, but not equal in running daily life - he called me his conscience in counselling with regard to why he doesn't contribute to daily life/drinks til I reign him in etc. I become the nag, he the put upon. We are not those people, we are both good and capable, but we had taken on those roles. Also, there are sex issues - some ED, and he is v shy of it. Hard to explain.
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