Difficult relationship with mother

[mrscoleridge]

Hi

I am posting this after a big row so please go easy. I am almost divorced with two teenagers and my parents still have the power to make me feel like shit.

I called in this morning as I asked them if they could lend me some money towards taking my kids away in summer (first time abroad in four years) I really want to take them as oldest will be away with friends after A levels so last chance really.

Cue loads of ranting on about not being good with money (admittedly not my strongest suit) oh and I do fifty hours a week to keep us afloat. Ex doctor who pays minimum.

Sister is clearly golden child who never puts a foot wrong (in their eyes) They also have been no support through difficult divorce only moaning how long it takes.

They are now starting to be this critical with my kids as they were with me. Example daughter gotr ABC in exams in Jan and reaction was what went wrong there?

I feel that they offer to pay for stuff as it gives them a form of control (they are fairly well off) rather than wanting to help genuinely. Always been very hands off with kids they have stayed there about twice in 16 years and they live five minutes away. Lots more involvement with sisters child tho.

Not sure what I am asking really more a bit of a rant. Have told them don't want money as
"Help" price just too high

[racingheart]

Sorry to hear you've rowed, but I don't think you can have it both ways. You are not relating to them adult to adult. Your post reads in stroppy teen mode: I asked them for money, but they only give it when they see fit and they use money to control me.

So don't ask for it then! They are under no obligation to help out.

If you want to go abroad with DC, tell DC and make it a family mission to save money between you. DC can chip in money they earn, and you can try and save/sell on Ebay etc. If you really can't afford it, then you can't go. Your parents have nothing to do with it, and they are being perfectly fair to say your problems with money are yours not theirs.

Sorry, but I think you need to grow up. I don't mean that snappily. You just need to mature and take sole responsibility for your life and what you want from it. As long as you think others should provide you with holidays when you choose, with big smiles on their faces, and no comments or comeback, then you will be disappointed. That's not how adult life works.

[mrscoleridge]

Wow that's helpful! If you read the post properly lots more than just money here. That's more of a symptom. Often they offer then use money as a weapon.

[Djangounhinged]

I recognise what you're saying about your parents having control of you - at 41 (and also nearly divorced) I've only just come to realise that mine were fully in control of me too.

So if there is an element of stroppy teenager coming from you, I'd say it's because they've never let you be anything else, and they really don't see you as an adult. This is their problem though, and not yours.

I do think that by asking them for money, that you are letting them continue to feel in control. And by letting them continue to be in control, they now also feel that they can start treating your DCs in the same way. You need to break the cycle before it damages them. It's shit that this falls to you - it's not your fault that your parents can't deal with DCs and GCs growing up - but you've recognised what's wrong here and you have the power to change it.

My very narc mother started to treat my DD in the same way she'd always treated me, and it was the straw that broke the camel's back for me. I have had to minimise contact (having tried to reason with her, which was pointless) and have reduced their contact with my DCs to the bare minimum. DCs are 12 and 9.

I totally understand your need for a holiday, but at what cost? They believe they're buying the right to criticise and undermine you - that's an awfully high price to pay.

There's a great thread on here about narcissistic parents - the Stately Homes thread - which might help you to find your way through this. Take care and good luck.

[mrscoleridge]

Thank you Djangounhinged for that post. I totally agree that reasoning is impossible. When i told my father that I was unhappy and wanted to split with ex he said 'Oh this is really going to upset your mother' And they see nothing wrong with this type of thing!

I know what you mean about your own children being treated this way being the last straw. This has really upset me lately. I have a look at the Stately Homes thread-lots of help and stuff I recognise there

[Djangounhinged]

It's like they have a script, isn't it? Mine said "that's your mother's heart broken now." Unbelievable!

[raspberryroop]

You sound entitled and childish. They may be uncaring yayayayada etc . But you are grown woman, you say that money is not your strongest suit like that makes it ok! Grown ups manage their money - a DR paying the minimum is not that bloody little you can't save for a holiday.

[Bedtime1]

I really don't get the borrowing money thing. I would have to be really desperate to borrow money and even then I don't think I would. It would be more of a case of seeing me that desperate and them offering not asking. Aren't you an adult ?vwhy do you expect your parents to provide you with a holiday ?

[racingheart]

If they use money as a weapon why on earth are you asking for it?

[Ruralninja]

4 of your 7 paragraphs contain something about money - there is definitely an opportunity here for you to take control of that aspect of your life, so that you are on top of it on your own terms, no matter how long that takes. You will feel so much more empowered for it. In the mean time, can you save up for a long weekend in the UK when the weather is likely to be better. There's so much you could do from walking holidays, to Centreparcs, etc to planning a series of weekends that your kids would find rewarding.

It's not an escape you need so much as power takeover!

[raspberryroop]

Ruralninja has put it the best - take charge and they will not have control.