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Date him or not..? lost perspective, need yours!

(9 Posts)
whatshewants Thu 18-Apr-13 10:26:19

ok, background. SBXH had a brakdown and left me and 2dc. Almost straight away jumped into a relationship with ow, while our world emploded. He has had MH issues and now off sick and living alone but cant be relied on to have regular visits with kids, so I get very little down time.

Anyway bit the bullett and joined datingsight (GSM).
Have been chatting to one man and had dinner all went well but he really is keen. texts all the time, often very affectionate and at times with a fair bit of inuendo!! Im no prude, but 15 years of one man and 2 dc later i'm not what I was;) Confidence in the bedroom is very low.

But also dont know if this is usual or not...in my date you walked out a while grin. Maybe Im not ready....

Anyway meeting him for a drink tonight...not sure how to play it...god I feel 16 again, shame I look 50! Ladies your help please.

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 18-Apr-13 10:35:31

I think, post a traumatic break-up, it is a great chance to flex your self-assertive muscles, switch on your crap-o-meter, and don't let anyone mess you around. If you're not happy going for a sexual relationship therefore, say so. If you don't like innuendo, swat it. I think there are a lot of people on dating sites looking for an easy lay so I think what you're experiencing is probably 'usual' but not necessarily 'acceptable'. Be fussy.... don't worry about hurting feelings.

purplewithred Thu 18-Apr-13 10:41:07

If he is already making you uncomfortable after one date then no need to see him again, ever. Why would you? A friend who online dated very successfully and met her now longtime partner there said the best thing she did was script a tactful but firm 'thanks but it's not working for me' speech/email/text. I am sure the laidees of mumsnet will have many suggestions.

Destinysdaughter Thu 18-Apr-13 10:41:12

Think about what YOU want from a relationship, enjoy it, have fun, but if you are not comfortable with the innuendo then trust that! Can you give some examples of these innuendos so we can give you a second opinion on them to see if they are light hearted or simply sleazy...?

whatshewants Thu 18-Apr-13 10:58:59

I think I have a reasonable shit detecter...but obviously not great with men!!

DD his texts range from, you beautiful, amazing eyes bla bla bla to I wish i could open a bottle of wine and get naked...grin

I think I struggle with finding some of it really flattering after so long without this attention, some of it a bit of a turn on and worse thinking i'm being a complete muppet and falling for a load of crap!!confused

Will go tonight, just as its a break, but will monitor my feelings and his advances! blush

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 18-Apr-13 11:09:12

This is going to sound cold-hearted but I think, after the end of a bad relationship when you've been unceremoniously dumped and your self-esteem has had a serious battering, sometimes you need 'victims' (and I mean that in a nice way) to love and leave. You almost need to dump a few of these flirty types just because you can. Helps restore your self-respect

SPsYoniTheOneAndOnly Thu 18-Apr-13 11:11:30

What cog said. Rejecting a few because you can does help.

pog100 Thu 18-Apr-13 11:11:59

Join the online dating thread they have lots of good advice and experience.

Bant Thu 18-Apr-13 11:20:11

I think there are certain levels of acceptable. Talking about opening a bottle of wine and getting naked is fine - once you've already done that together in real life.

Seems like that makes it clear what his intentions are. All the flirting and compliments are to get you into bed. If you like him and want to do that, then fine, but that's probably all it's going to be so you should just be prepared.

If you don't want to, then just send the 'this is going too quickly' or 'I don't think the spark is really there, sorry, good luck' kind of message and move on. You have to wade through a lot of dross to find someone decent. It does happen though. And don't feel bad about dumping someone if they make you uncomfortable - they wouldn't hesitate to do it back.

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