"The Script" is there a female version?

[MTBMummy]

I can't go into too much detail as once I start typing I end up with a 2 page essay on the back story, but basically my DFs partner cheated on him, moved out and then came grovelling back, he's taken her back with open arms, and claims it is primarily because he feels sorry for her as she keeps going on about how guilty she feels.

At no point has she actually apologised for what she did, and what she put him through. And oddly enough her return coincides with my dad getting a rather large payout from my mum's estate who passed away the week before DF's partner moved out.

I'm trying to make him see that he's being taken for a ride, she has meddled in our family to the point where he won't take calls, email or even text us if she's around, and as she doesn't work, she's always around.

She's shit stirred and tried to make my dad and sister fall out, by snooping in my sisters housemates personal belongings when she visited 3 years ago, and found a note that had a bit of a moan about her behavior (written by my sisters housemate, and left in her own room)

Her entire family knew she was leaving my dad, even though he was supporting her and her dad who was living with them at the time, which i think makes my dad look like a joke to her family, the sad sap who would take anyone even though they don't want him

My dad is very ill, but due to no free healthcare (he lives abroad) he will have to work until he literally falls down dead, but she refuses to get a job and happily spends his money on new gadgets, holidays (to meet new men) and luxuries

I'm prepared to be told to butt out as it's none of my business, but I'm over protective because this is my dad and I can see what it's doing to my sister, we've already lost her mum and now she feels like we've lost our dad too.

Anyway, the things that my dad is relaying to us, about what his partner is saying, just seems to be so close to some of the things that you see on the script that men follow when they cheat, that I was wondering, is there a female version, the script is very male orientated and I wondered if there was a version that women use when they cheat?

I know this is probably the wrong forum to ask this on, but I'm so lost as to what to do.

It's come to the point that either we welcome her into our lives with open arms and forgive her for crewing over my dad, or we lose our dad

Thanks for reading if you got this far

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

FWIW I dispute that there is a 'script' at all but of course, there's no gender monopoly on selfish, manipulative behaviour, staged grovelling and the cynical using of others for an ulterior motive. If there's a pot of gold at the end of your Dad's rainbow she's got a very big & obvious incentive to turn on the charm. What you can do about it is probably very little. He may have seen through the flannel but decided it's worth it.

[MTBMummy]

Thanks Cognito, I think a lot of it is my frustration at not being able to do anything about it, but wanting to be able to stop my family from completely falling apart.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

I've seen this before in my extended family. Wealthy widower married a much younger woman who then proceeded to alienate his adult children one at a time. He was very fond of her and wouldn't hear a word against her. Most of the family ended up in one 'camp', cutting contact and being all resentful and angry. But one DS broke ranks ignored all the shit-stirring and she couldn't shift him. He had a good relationship with the father to the end and, even though he was being two-faced, I think he probably had the right idea. :)

[MTBMummy]

I'm more sad than anything else, I guess I'm lucky in some ways in that while i love my dad, I learned long ago I would never be a priority in his life, were as DSis and him were much closer, and I think she's really struggling as she feels she has to deal with this as well as grieving for our mom.

[badinage]

I've got friends of both sexes who've been unfaithful and the 'script' of previous selfishness has completely transcended gender. I have noticed a difference in some of the initial excuses they've given for it though. The women seemed much more likely to repackage lust as love and blame their partners and relationships for their wrongdoing and the men seemed to blame the OW for 'offering it on a plate' . Most of those relationships have been fully repaired, but interestingly only because they stopped giving bollocks excuses after their partners called bullshit on them and insisted they looked at themselves and not anything or anyone else to blame. Your dad should be advised to do the same.

[BellyChancer]

Is she much younger than your dad, and your dad is her fallback? she chased a real 'romance' and that didn't work out so now she's back at port.

I agree wtih the poster who says play dumb and welcome her with open arms. My friend, well a friend of a friend got rid of a woman like this by playing a slightly longer game. She was all smiles to the woman's face while she thought things through. Her dad (the simple soul) was just delighted that she had happily welcomed his new girlfriend, 20 years younger than himself in to the family yeh right So this girl, she and her son had a housing situation, she moved into her dad's house with her son, for a little while. 18 months I think it was. The gold digger cave first and bailed. This plan only worked though because her dad naively trusted his daughter implicitly and wouldn't have heard a word against her motives. As far as he was concerned she was saving,beneath houses! he loved having his gs around.

[OhLori]

If it were me, I would go and visit my father, take him out to lunch and seriously tell him your concerns, including any concern that she may benefit financially at the expense of you and your sister (but hopefully also you received some £ from your mother's estate). Hopefully your father understands that anyway, but just to check. Its up to your father how he writes his Will, but I still think its worth trying to protect your position if she has as much power over him as you suggest.

I think its OK to lay your other concerns on the line about this woman - in fact I think you should. But as he is very sick as you say, he may prefer to believe what he wants to.

Also, it might be good to spend some time with your father now? Perhaps go and visit and stay for a week or so? See the lie of the land, and maybe get a chance to spend some time with him? I think that might be better than making black and white decisions to "accept her or lose him" from afar. There may be a third way as Cogito alludes to ...

[TheSilveryPussycat]

Does he have a Power of Attorney drawn up and ready to go if needed. If so, who will have that power if it needed to come into force?

Even trickier as he is in foreign parts...

It's a hard thing to bring up, I'm just wondering and thinking about possibilities. I'm of the party recommending keeping the relationship with your DF, even if it means 'welcoming'. If he finds he needs help further down the line, tis better to have communications open.

[MTBMummy]

Thanks for the replies, sorry I've been working and not had a chance to jump back on this afternoon.

She is quite a bit younger, biologically she could be a sister, and I do feel that my dad is her fall back, the guy she left him for is much closer to her age, and I understand quite rich.

I really don't know what the state of his will or power of attorney are, I assume everything will go to her, not that he has much, not even property anymore.

My natural response is to be honest with how I feel but tell him that I love him and will support his choice if he wants to stay with her, I'm hoping he'll see her for what she is eventually and I don't want him to feel he's lost his family if/when it does happen.

The main reason for the script question was that she's as my dad puts it walking around looking like a beaten puppy, and he feels sorry for her, he believes she's overly guilable to have fallen for this OM and he's actually cross with him for messing her about - WTAF???

[JennyFromTheBog]

Also, it is very difficult for men to hear this and accept this, they think women genuinely love older men, but let's face it, what womaN - all other things being -EQUAL - wants a relationship with a man who has a daughter their own age...... I think men are deaf to this bald truth. They think only women age. Could you put it to him quite starkly that you being a similar age to this woman wouldn't consider a relationship with a man 20+ years older than you unless you just wanted an easy life, security, somebody who wanted you more than you wanted them etc..........

[JennyFromTheBog]

Maybe don't criticise her, but say "your so lucky to have found blah, because my friends and I were all saying how we can't imagine an equal relationship with a man xx years older than we are . That way you're not calling him an old fool and not calling her a lazy gold digger who clings to the nearest passing wealthy old raft, but hopefully the cogs in his brain would shift and he could join up the dots.