Hi everyone.
First of all...this could be a trigger for any victims of abuse/DV and towards the bottom of the post, I do go into a bit of detail about what happened to me regarding sexual abuse, so don't read if you think you'll be affected
I posted a thread a couple of weeks ago about a man I had got involved with, (who is 58 by the way, I'm 30) who from the start said he was in a 6-month old relationship with a woman who lives in Australia - he was 'agonising' over whether to go and move over there with her, packing up his life in the process and selling his dog, leaving his mum who's in a bad way...and obviously the general consensus on here was he was leading me on and I was being an idiot falling for it.
It got me thinking.
I've only ever had one relationship - with my ex who was 43 when we met (I was 23 at the time), he looked and acted younger, was very immature and moved me into his house within 2 weeks of meeting, and convinced we should try for a baby after 2 months (which we did, much to my shame...although I wouldn't change my little boy for the world).
My ex ended up (or was from the start) very controlling, manipulative, always putting me down, the sex was...well not very loving, he'd have sex with me while I was asleep, and 3 times he strangled me - once to the point of unconsciousness and while I was 6 months pregnant with our son.
Despite all that, I thought I loved him and that the relationship was normal, so I went on to have 2 more children with him (again - regret the circumstances but not having them, as they're amazing).
Then I thought a bit more - although all teenage/adult life I've been attracted to boys/men (and women; in fact mainly women), I've never wanted to either have sex with them OR have a relationship with them.
There is also sort of a theme of the men I've been 'with' (as in, kissed, or ended up in bed with but not actually wanting to do anything with), have been older. Not all of them; I have only ever had sex with my ex partner but I think since I was 17, there have been 3 men I've shared a bed with (but not done anything with) and 1 or 2 I've kissed.
I was abused by my dad as a child. My parents split when I was 6 and I don't know when it started, but I know it finished when I was about 14.
Just typing this is knotting my stomach up, I feel so uncomfortable with it which is the reason I never had counselling.
He never had full sex with me, but almost did - it was only me jumping that made him think he'd hurt me and he stopped.
I can't remember when, but I know at one point my uncle (on my mum's side) used to make comments, lie on top of me clothed and simulate sex, and I know he asked me once if I'd sleep with him when I was 16. My uncle had some sort of mental impairment, but he's never been diagnosed at he's from the generation where things like that weren't really talked about. BUT, it was still abuse and it still scared me.
When I was 14 I was almost raped by a gang of boys when out with my sister - may not have even been 14 actually, could have been slightly younger but I was at high school...they grabbed me from behind and I think they touched me but then just let me go, again can't remember details.
On top of all that, I was bullied at high school - went to quite a few as I kept getting bullied for being shy, quiet, ugly etc and then my mum moved me, it happened again so I moved again.
When I have been in a relationship (granted, only the once), I can't have sex - sometimes I can do it; I've got children after all, but I have to really detach myself and ignore the voice in my head that's screaming at me to stop. I enjoy sex if I get into it, but all these doubts creep in about not being good enough, him thinking of someone else, having had three children and the poor shape my body is in (you know...'down there') - I know most women have these doubts but I wonder whether it's really the abuse affecting me, and my mind is just trying to protect me somehow by trivialising things and making me think I'm really only doubting my body or something that can be changed (like my attitude) - sorry, that last paragraph made no sense, can't really put it into words but hopefully you understand what I mean.
Sorry, this is getting far too long.
The point I'm trying to make is I never had counselling. I plucked up the courage to tell my mum about my dad and uncle when I was 19, and her response was to say "what's so great about you that all these men be so interested in you anyway?" - I appreciate she was shocked, but that comment has stuck in my head and made me wonder whether somehow I asked for it...but then my dad and uncle?! I was a child! How could it be my fault?
I just wonder whether my choices in the type of men I go for is influenced by my past.
The guy with the partner? I did really connect with in...it felt like almost a spiritual connection, as strange as that sounds...and he says he's split with his partner now and wants to be with me for the rest of his life... part of me wants to go for it but do I like him because I want a father figure...or even worse, because I was attracted to my own dad?! I don't feel like I was but how do I know? I didn't fight him off, just froze.
I'll stop typing now...sorry this was an epic post but I suppose I just need to work out how to 'fix myself'. Would counselling help? It's just talking and the counsellor would explain how the past affects my future, which I know anyway because I've said it here.
Do they do brain bleach on the NHS? :(
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*** Warning - possible trigger *** Past sexual abuse affecting relationships now?
5 replies
mum2seren · 14/04/2013 10:29
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