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Walking away from the father of my newborn baby.

(14 Posts)
BeyondDespair Sat 13-Apr-13 22:27:57

Sorry this is so long. I posted this on AIBU, and someone suggested that I post it here.

I met my (very recently ex) partner nearly 3 years ago, and didn't realise that he was already in a relationship with someone else. He moved in with me, with me still not realising that he was with someone else. It was only when I found a luggage label on one of his suitcases with the name of this woman's son on it, that it all came out. It also transpired that he was 120k in debt as a result of debts from exiting his marriage (divorce), and also vast amounts spent on the woman that he had been two timing me with (designer clothes, shoes, bags, expensive holidays, car, lump sum payments).

I finished with him, but he made concerted efforts to get back with me, and finally proposed 9 months later. The marriage never occurred, despite visits to meet the Vicar. He puts this down to me continually bringing up the commitment issue with him (marriage and house) which always results in an argument and him moving out.

He moved back in with me following his proposal and promised to pay the rent on my property (he is a very high earner, and I was and still am a single parent - then with only one child and studying full time, now with two and not studying or working). The rent money never arrived, and he kept walking in and out of the property (clearing all his stuff out) every time we had an argument. Rapidly followed by declarations of love and desperate attempts to get back with me. During one of his 'clear outs' I found that I was in the very early stages of pregnancy and contacted him. He was desperate for me to continue with the pregnancy and we moved to a larger rental property which he agreed to pay the rent on.

He then became embroiled in a major court case with his ex wife - she wanted to increase her already very significant maintenance payments on discovering that I was pregnant (and despite him having taken a salary reduction in a new job following redundancy.) She was seeking a maintenance increase from £4000 per month to £5700 per month. This would make it impossible for us to exist financially, given that he already had debt repayments to make. Despite this, he offered to (and did) pay her legal fees. I asked him why he had done this, particularly when he owed me months of rent that he had previously agreed to pay, and he just brushed aside my comments and said that he would have been made to pay them if he hadn't offered. We were also apparently going through on a house purchase, and he used the money that had been set aside for the Stamp Duty to pay her legal fees. The house purchase fell through.

The situation deteriorated between us, to such an extent that he would get drunk and become highly abusive to me in the final stages of my pregnancy, and I moved out with my daughter to another property.

He then made concerted attempts to reunite with me, stating that he was fighting his ex to make sure that there was more money for us for the future etc. I was so ill at the end of the pregnancy that I didn't know whether I was coming or going, and in the end I relented and let him stay shortly before the birth and for some weeks afterwards. The whole situation became surreal. The day after the birth, when I was still in hospital, he disappeared and could not be contacted. I was in a lot of pain and bleeding and kept emailing, texting and ringing him from my hospital bed. I couldn't get hold of him. When he finally arrived late in the day, he said that he had had to go to the bank because some money had been mistakenly withdrawn from his account?? He did not take any paternity leave and a few days later, my midwife readmitted me to hospital with complications. He did not visit me in hospital (I was able to keep the baby with me in my hospital room). When I returned home by taxi, he walked past me in the hall, pecked me on the cheek and walked out saying nothing.

It then transpired that his ex wife had contacted my midwife to find out advance details of my impending birth (I was advised of this by the hospital), and had also found out the name of my eldest daughter to quote in her legal papers to him. He didn't seem shocked or worried by this and just shrugged it off. I then received an email from her in which she had openly abused both of my children in an email to him and forwarded it on to me. Again, he did nothing about this.

I made very clear to him that if he wanted to continue in a relationship with me, he needed to defend my children and me against her abuse, and that we needed to buy a home (we had been/I am in very cramped and expensive rental accommodation with the baby and my older child), and that this was his last chance to save the relationship. He promptly went out and viewed another house that I had seen, made enquiries about a mortgage and then let the situation ride. The house went under offer with someone else. He also admitted that he had said nothing to her about the abuse directed at my children. I told him that the relationship was over.

Financially, he has not paid me any maintenance for his newborn daughter, nor towards my rent etc. However, he has maintained payments of £4000 per month for his other two children with his ex wife. The CSA are involved, but are characteristically slow and messing up.

He says he is now staying with family and in hotels. When he walked out a few weeks ago, he immediately deleted me from his Facebook and went on a walking holiday. I shrugged off the Facebook deletion, but then for some reason, checked his timeline some days after. Why, I don't know, because usually he doesn't post on there and has very few friends on there. There was a recently added female, who lives in his hometown (where he says he is now staying with family). I know that it could be anyone, and entirely innocent, but given his behaviour over the past few months, just have a horrible feeling that it is not entirely innocent.

Does anyone have any views on all of this? I know I've been a complete and utter idiot taking him back time and time again, but the situation is now complicated by the fact that I now have his child - of only a few weeks old.

I've just sat down and cried for the first time tonight and realised what a complete and utter idiot he's taken me for. But I can't see a way forward or what to do. It feels like hell to be honest.

Alibabaandthe40nappies Sat 13-Apr-13 22:36:12

What you need to do, is accept that you have made a series of catastrophic choices, but that as a result you now have your daughter.

Forget about him. Leave the CSA to sort out the money, and concentrate on building some stability and a life for yourself and your children.
It doesn't matter about the new women, whether it is innocent or not. He has shown himself to be a womanising twat - in all likelihood that women is the new 'you', doesn't know about his past yet and is busy planning a future with him.

You can do nothing about what has gone before, but you have to be strong and make good choices from here. Don't give him more power over you by taking him back.

CurlyhairedAssassin Sat 13-Apr-13 22:36:59

It seems to me like you've already made the most important step and that's ditching the utter loser. So big well done for that. You as your lo will be fine without him although it probably doesn't feel like that at the moment. What you need is someone who can come along who has been in your situation, to offer practical advice about money etc. But you will be fine, honestly!

VisualiseAHorse Sat 13-Apr-13 22:39:45

You are not an idiot - your post is very clear in showing that he has been emotionally abusing you.

First things first - do not let him stay at your house again.

Second - is his name on the birth certificate?

Third - is there anyone at all in RL that you can sit down with and chat about this with?

Redorwhitejusthaveboth Sat 13-Apr-13 22:45:32

I had 2 children with a man similar to the one you describe. I am now very happily not with him. Please take a bit of time to look up emotional
Abuse and narcissistic personality disorder and compulsive liars. You might also find it helpful to look at the lovefraud website. My best advice is to do everything through formal organisations such as CSA and court. Contact women's aid and talk through emotional abuse and gas lighting - this man has systematically abused you- cut all contact and strengthen your own team. Reduce your expectations of him to less than zero. Stop feeling any bitterness or anger to his exes- he will have lied to you about them and lied to them about you. They may be part of your strength going forward.
Please know this is NOTHING to do with you or your actions or behaviour- this is and always will be about him. Take care x

HorryIsUpduffed Sat 13-Apr-13 22:51:43

At five weeks postnatal you are very emotionally vulnerable. He will try to take advantage of that. Mnetters (not me, but the clever and experienced ones) can be here to sanity check for you and get you through it.

You've done brilliantly so far sticking up for your children. He sounds like an unmitigated arsehole. Even leaving aside the emotional abuse, his financial situation is a massive red flag and you do not want to be financially tied to him (eg by living together and sharing finances).

Good luck.

BeyondDespair Sat 13-Apr-13 22:58:53

Visualise A Horse - His name is on the birth certificate. I feel too humiliated by the situation to actually sit down and tell anyone I know the full story. I've told people that we're finished, but most just think he must be 'in denial' about the baby and keep saying that they're sure he'll come back etc. I just feel too embarrassed to tell the whole story to them.

BeyondDespair Sat 13-Apr-13 23:00:47

Redorwhitejusthaveboth - I have just looked up Gas Lighting. Yes, it immediately described him.

tallwivglasses Sat 13-Apr-13 23:36:54

Tell them. They'll be horrified - they won't think you're a fool. You need some rl support love - just be grateful you've realised his true colours now and remember to never believe a word the bastard says in the future. I feel sorry for this new woman in his life.

CSA? They'll either come good or they won't. I've brought up 2 kids with minimal support from their dads. We survived smile

Redorwhitejusthaveboth Sat 13-Apr-13 23:44:19

I used to work with women experiencing abuse of all forms and I didn't even realise the abuse I was experiencing myself- he was so clever at bring so wonderful with me and yet lying about everything - money was part of that- huge wage.. Redundancy... Ex wife.. Divorce... Booking the wedding ... Blah blah and so it goes on. I began to realise part of what was happening not long after the birth of my first son with him and a week after I found I was preg with my youngest child.
I went into a huge depression but even then thought it was pnd - it wasn't - it was reactive depression to the shit I was living with.
I hope you can speak to someone - small steps- you've spoken here- try women's aid next then confide in a friend or your family. Gather around all and any help you can - practical and emotional... You need to be strong - men like this are utter fuckers to deal with in any capacity. I've had to seriously build some huge reinforced boundaries for my ex as the lies and manipulation continue still 18 months after I left him - but there is light- my life now is SO MUCH BETTER than any day I was with him- the lack of stress and deception and feeling like I was going a bit mad - it's an utter relief xxx

BeyondDespair Sun 14-Apr-13 19:00:53

Redorwhitejusthaveboth
I feel absolutely numb most of the time about it. Then feel convinced that I've been almost played by a con man. I think the pregnancy made me take my eyes off the ball and I didn't see clearly. Its suddenly very clear.

Redorwhitejusthaveboth Sun 14-Apr-13 22:22:32

Just let it sit with you for a while - you've plenty of time to process it all and make decisions. There's a beauty in being able to see it - it's the start of being able to
Make the best decisions for you...
I used to think - how the fuck did I get hoodwinked- how did I not see it... Liars are the worst because they tell you what you want to hear so you fall in love - the rest of it all is so subtle you don't even realise.
Do you think you'll be able to share with someone this week about what's been going on? My ex was the sociable family man so people were utterly shocked when I told them what had been going on- but everyone was very very supportive if a bit ghoulishly interested in the gory details. I've been told many times I should write a book or film about him

BeyondDespair Sun 14-Apr-13 22:30:12

Yes, I think he was an expert in saying the things I wanted to hear and pretending to be doing the things I wanted done. It all just became normal. I keep waking up in the morning now realising that I'm waking up to reality (what he's done and the aftermath). Feel totally stuck and numb.

Snowme Sun 14-Apr-13 23:28:26

Wow. £4,000 a month in maintenance payments? No wonder women could look at marriage as a career move.
What a bluddy awful world we live in.

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