Talking to ex-p

[Ikeameatballs]

I split with p 2 months ago after over 10 years together and 2 lovely dc.

We split because of his drinking, spending, selfishness, lack of interest in being a proper family and no sex for 18months (due to hs antidepressants). These have been recurrent problems to some degree or another over a few years.

Since we split he has behaved like a sensible, rational person and as stopped drinking. He has been to see a counsellor. Last night he texted me and asked if we could talk, that he felt he had a lot to say. Since we split he has repeatedly apologised for his behaviour.

I agreed today to talk to him about why we had splitvetc but said that I would only do so with a counsellor there.

I am really struggling, I don't want him to think tat we are getting back together but I would like to hear his take on things and put my pov across without it descending into an arguement.

I am now worrying about hw it will turn out.

Any advice?

[foolonthehill]

A strong respected person present to keep things rational and reasonable would be wise. If you choose to pay a counsellor make sure you tell them what you need from them. Some would do this for you, others wouldn't, some may even make a copy of what was said to avoid future re-writing of history.

Make sure you know what you want him to hear and make it as short and to the point as possible, whilst it is tempting to rehash old grievances it is unlikely to do much good.

I met my abusive husband 2 weeks ago at his request, it was informative and helped me to see where he is...but I managed to get very little across at all and he has chosen to reinterpret it any way...despite the precautions above.

If nothing else it will give you a safe place to say we are over.

Good luck with whatever you do. i hope it is productive and helpful to you both.

[Ikeameatballs]

Thanks.

I feel that if he shows no insight into what has happened between us then I will have my decision to split further validated. If on the other hand he actually talks sense then it is harder to stay strong and remember that he has promised change before but at least like you say I will have that safe space. I am wary as I know he wants us back together.

[foolonthehill]

stay wary.
and remember just because he wants you back does not mean that you have to go there.......you are your own person, a grown up, you can decide to stay apart even if he looks like a blessed saint and begs on his knees.

I am guessing you know that it is really hard to change oneself...and 2 months is nothing in the scheme of his life...not a lot of permanent change is likely to have been achieved in such a short time.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

I think you'd be sensible to postpone this meeting. This much transformation in just two months? Anyone can quit drinking for a few weeks... means bugger-all.

I think things are still very raw, you should be aware that selfish people can be highly manipulative when it suits and that not even the presence of a counsellor will prevent that happening in a face-to-face situation. So I'd leave it a few more months and get on with forging a good life for yourself & finding your feet as an independent, confident woman. Let these miraculous personality changes really bed in, see how genuine they are and then see if you still want to meet up. My guess is you won't be bothered.

[Lueji]

2 months is nothing.
Give him at least another year.
And check his reaction.

[redskynight]

I am struggling to see a reason to ever discuss why you split, if you have left this relationship permanently. You need to think about what would either of you feel it would achieve? It sounds a little like he is putting pressure on you to 'get you back' and trying to stop you detaching and moving on with your life.

2 months is no time at all (counselling can take years), and assuming you are not still living together you have no real idea about his behaviour/drinking outside of what he is portraying to you, and imo people don't change much.

[Ikeameatballs]

I suppose I'm hoping to put across to him just why I don't think we can get back together and, exactly as you say, months is not evidence of real change in behaviour.

I think he wants to tell me all about how sorry he is and how things would be different in the future.

It's this discrepancy in our view points that makes me think a safe space to express myself would be helpful. Not sure though...

[cjel]

I think joint counselling is fantastic idea. If you decide it just cements your reasons for splitting he will then have to accept that, if there is some relationship you can work on together through counselling then thats good to. As long as you go into it feeling in control and not forced into it a counsellor will facilitate you ending or mending your relationship. BUT it will not be a quick one hour chat.!!