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Did I do something wrong to have these people in my life?

(7 Posts)
whendoesthecrapend Fri 12-Apr-13 21:50:13

I'm so fed up, lonely, stressed and unhappy most of the time. I just wish everyone, except my friends and dc's, would disappear!

I'm a good person (maybe too much of a 'nice' person), would help anyone in need, good morals, hate confrontation and tolerate crap more than I should, and everyone just takes the p'ss! When I do speak out they twist everything and turn it back onto me and I end up believing that maybe I am the one in the wrong or needs help! I am surrounded by a toxic family and an angry controlling xh who is only nice when he wants something. I am physically and emotionally drained by these people and feel there is no escape until the dc's are old enough for me to no longer have to have contact with the asshole. I can limit my time with my family but even in a short space of time, they overload me with their negativity and toxicity and while I have to remain close to the xh for the dc's sake, there is no escape from them either.

I feel a burden on my friends (who wants to be around an unhappy negative person?) so I tend to have little contact with them and stay away. I try to be upbeat and happy when in their company but am a person who cannot hide how I am truly feeling.

I have been single for a long time because my xh is terrible with contact and lets the dc's down last minute, resulting in any chance of me 'dating' or having any free time being almost zero. Toxic family pick and choose when they help out too, so no joy there. Funds are low, so no babysitters and friends will only help out in emergencies. I would love to have someone in my life who can bring a bit of 'normality' into it, but the few dates I have had have also been 'controlling, insecure, desperados!'

I can't cope with any more controlling toxic people in my life. When I do get a break from these people, life is good and I have no complaints, but not sure I can survive a good few more years (dc's still young) in these people's company! I HATE my life with them in it and just don't know how to deal with them. They are dragging me down.

Any ideas for coping techniques please before I totally lose it and spread negativity onto my own dc's? Coping seems to be getting harder for me, instead of better over time, and I am concerned I will end up seriously ill or losing it big time! The meer thought of them brings on anxiety and panic attacks!! (I come across as a very strong person on the outside and can hold my own with most people but not with these particular individuals). I seem to take one step forward and ten back all the time. VERY sad

belfastbigmillie Fri 12-Apr-13 22:37:58

I have cut off most of my family. Sometimes you need to just do it.

Bedtime1 Sat 13-Apr-13 05:03:25

Gosh sorry your going through such crap. I have similar issues with my family. I feel like that like I'm going to lose it sometimes. It's the mind games, constant dramas, issues created by themselves not real problems. Annoying. I don't really know how to handle them right now so I can't really give advice, just wanted to say your not alone. The only thing I find helps a bit is having less contact, but even that's hard as I will get a text or some form of contact which will be either a dig, telling me I'm awful because I don't see them ( usually my mum saying this), if I do meet up then there is always something. Eg putting a downer on something I'm doing, asking for something, being awkward, lots of miserableness and hardly any positivity. Draining isn't the word!!

dolallymum Sat 13-Apr-13 05:22:44

Sorry you are feeling like this OP.
Have you visited your GP at all? They will be able to help you work to get control over your anxiety/panic attacks. I was refered to a counsellor a few years back for coping stratergies, but there are other options available depending on each situation.
I hope you are able to gain strength towards them soon, to tell them all where to go.

Grinkly Sat 13-Apr-13 10:26:04

Good counselling is thin on the ground in the uk. But there are a ton of self help books out there.
this one might help and he has written others and once you look up this sort of book many more pop up on amazon and you can see which might help and read the reviews.

Once you can see what caused the problem there is much more chance of working out how to sort yourself out. Harriet Lerner's book The Dance of Anger has advice on dealing with those close to you. But there are many and would be a great help i think.

whendoesthecrapend Sat 13-Apr-13 18:17:50

Thank you all for your replies. I do limit the amount of time I spend with my family, but they seem to need me more than I need them and invade my life over and over. Or maybe I just 'tolerate' them too much because of the person I am and they know they can chip away at me and keep bringing me down to make themselves feel better! As for the xh, he will be in my life until my dc's are old enough to sort their own contact out (what a depressing thought I still have years of emotional abuse to come!) Don't think I'll ever win with him. If I bite my tongue and tolerate him he really takes the p'ss and if on the odd occasions I hold my own and put my foot down, he gets very awkward and darn right nasty and I can't take the emotional games he plays and just end up an emotional wreck!

Thanks also for the book ideas. I will search straight away and hope they give me some insight into coping and becoming stronger as a person with these particular people.

I just don't understand how I allow family and the xh to reduce me to being such a pathetic weak person, when I am usually not afraid to voice my opinions and quite strong with everyone else!

TheNorthWitch Sat 13-Apr-13 18:40:47

I think it would be a good idea to do some work on your personal boundaries. If you are from a toxic family it is likely that your needs and feelings have been ignored (boundary violations) and you have developed unhealthy patterns (taking crap) that abusers can spot. You need to find your 'buttons' and learn not to react so that manipulative people can't push them.

Boundaries - Where You End & I Begin by Anne Katherine is one or you can google for info. You cannot have healthy relationships without good strong boundaries - they are essential.

You cannot change the behaviour of toxic people (boundary/button pushers) you can only learn to control your reaction to them & learn to spot them and avoid them as much as possible. No Contact or Low Contact works. A good analogy is that you will not get water from a dry well so stop trying and learn to detach emotionally as much as possible - with practice you can detach even when you are in the same room! Try not to give toxic people personal info that they can put you down for - keep it neutral as it gives them less to 'hook' into. Do not get into the trap of trying to justify/defend yourself - that just gives abusers scope to twist things or manipulate you - the 'broken record' technique is good for combating this.

I wouldn't stress about not dating as it sounds like a little time to do a bit of work on yourself would be well spent. There are loads of tossers out there - you need to make sure your boundaries and twat radar are up and running before you put yourself out there or you could just attract another toxic mess into your life.

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