I'm so frustrate with my relationship right now

[lifesisabiatch]

We know each other 2 then we get married, total of 6 years together. Our twins is now 3. I don't what had happen to us, after the first year having kids we fought so much that our relationship grown farther and farther. Today we are just about to kill each other. It is so bad, I'm so stress about this. The main thing we fight about is kids, it all because of kids. He wanted this way I wanted that way, he say I'm a control freak and so on...having kids is driving crazy. My relationship with my hubby is so cold, he's always mad at me and I'm always mad at him.

Mom how do you and your hubby agree on the whole teaching the kids ? how do you guy keep the relationship to the same level ?

This is only part of my stress... I have so much more ...

[lifesisabiatch]

After each fight I feel that he's not the same guy I know. I'm shock to see how he react, what he say to me, how he feel, like that's his true self. I'm blind all those years I know him. We always have the hot for each other, we are so happy in love life wasn't perfect but very good for us. A lot of things had happen before and after marriage an we some what got over it. Now that we are together I don't know what I did wrong, I believe I'm still the same girl I haven't change but he did. He start picking on everything I do and telling me I'm not thinking for him, never consider his feeling and so on. As of now, he turn out to be such a sensitive guy. Everything I do or say offend him, I feel like may as well not communicate with each other then maybe there wouldn't be anything wrong. I'll just do what I want he just do what he want. Right after thinking like that I'm just mad I don't know where we are anymore ? I don't know if he know that I'm trying to save our relationship because it went so far. I really hope there's something that I can do.
Yesterday I talk to him he told me he's still mad, so leave him alone. OMG. The kids are driving me nuts and now he have to top it off.

Sorry for the long post, I just want to get it out.

[DaemonPantalaemon]

Hi there,

Please don't be offended by my question, but is English your first language? And is it your husband's? This seems to be about communication, and from your two posts, I am guessing that English may not be your first language?

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

There some things in your post that are a big concern. It is not acceptable that he accuses you of being a control freak, picks on you and criticises you. It is not acceptable that he gives you the silent treatment and tells you to leave him alone.

It is not acceptable that he holds you responsible (it seems) for his happiness or takes offence so easily. People who do that are not a 'sensitive guy' but are often trying to manipulate someone into a) working hard to keep them sweet and b) saying nothing. Know this. They are never happy and never will be happy....

This kind of bullying behaviour is known as emotional abuse, it's very stressful, and it can start to affect your confidence and make you think you're going crazy.

You say 'things had happened' before you got married that you had to 'get over'. That doesn't sound good at all. Who was the one who did these things and who was the one who was expected to get over it?

[MadAboutHotChoc]

daemon what has English not being their first language got to do with Op's problems? I don't think communication is the issue - his bullying controlling behaviour seems to be the problem.

[DaemonPantalaemon]

I am sorry, I barely understood the post as it was a little incoherent. She mentions that he is sensitive, which is generally a positive thing, without qualifying as too sensitive, or over sensitive. I am not being picky here. She mentioned that they have problems communicating, and if English is a foreign language for one of them, and the other does not speak the other's language well enough, it could lead to miscommunication.

Hence the question.

I know that MNers generally go all Pavlovian when they see the word "controlling" and leap immediately to emotional abuse, but there was not enough in the post to make me understand what it the OP means by controlling. It is also not clear on what issues they differ on child-rearing.

[CoolCadbury]

Daemon. Not incoherent at all. They had problems in the past but they got over it. Like Cognito, I wonder what that was - it doesn't sound good. It seems that since the twins arrived things have been going very badly. He says that she's not thinking of him or considering his feelings. He gives her the silent treatment and criticises her. From what OP says, he sounds like he is pretty nasty when they argue.

Life. I am so sorry that you are having to put up with this. Is there anyone in real life that you could talk to? It sounds like a very unpleasant environment to be in.

[lifesisabiatch]

I'm sorry guys for my poor writing. English is not my first language and writing is my worse nightmare *blush btw, me and my husband speak the same language.

I had a rough relationship. Is a very long story I don't want to get into details right now. My main concern is me, husband and the kids. Let me just tell you roughly ...I used to be a stay at home mom and he's working, then he lost his job staying at home. I recently went back to work and he's staying home taking care of the kids. He will go back to work maybe in 3 months. The kids are in half day preschool. I'm working 8-5 mon-fri. As soon as I'm home I need to prepare dinner and so on. After putting the kids to sleep I'm off to bed too. So yesterday when I'm writing my message kids are screaming he's yelling, that's consider normal according to him. If I start saying something to him like stop yelling at the kids and talk to them ..he would suddenly scream at me and tells me that he's talking that's how he sound..there's go a fight about nothing. That's mainly how we start out fight, then he start telling me I'm picking on him about how he should talk, what he should do, what he should give feed the kids blah blah blah. I swear I'm not picking on him, but he get so loud at every lil thing the kids do. All he wants them to do is shut up, sit still don't move. To me, he's so strict on the kids that's driving me crazy. Everyone we know think our kids are very good, just have there moment but is nothing serious. I'm strict on the kids myself but don't pick on the lil things to scream at them. I believe kids are just kids but he doesn't, he believe you should train them as early as possible. Now he's saying me and the kids are not respecting him, everything he said I'm against it and the kids are not listening to him. That's not true, is just what he think. That's basically what we fight about everyday.
Our big fight would includes me not knowing how he feel about losing his job. How he's concern about his parents( they are sick lately). How being a father is new to him(he needs time to adapt..is been over 3yrs how much longer ? I don't know). How he's sacrifices after having kids ? But seriously, before he's asking me all that what about me and I never complains about any of those. I sacrifices a lot, I sometimes feel sad but I know is for the best of us. Our parents they all live in a different country. Friends is our only family here.
We used to talk a lot, we would tell me almost everything. I would tell him everything. I'm the kind of person who speak my mind, sometimes is not nice I'm still working on this. My friends told me I hurt there feeling sometimes but they know that's just me. If my friend can think that why can't he ? he never had a problems with me before why now ? when we fight he would tell me that day I said ... . Really I don't remember anything mainly because after that moment I never kept anything in mind. Once I let it out is out I never went back and talk about it. So when he does something that irritates me I tell him right away. He consider that I pick on him !! I'm not did I really pick on him without realizing it ?
That conclude all the things that we fight about when we fight. Other then that he never control me on what to wear, what to buy, what to eat, where to go etc.

So yes, he is emotionally abusing me. I'm so stress when I face him, I don't know what I say will get him mad, offend him. He would be happy if I just shut it when he's teaching ( more like yelling) the kids. I feel so bad for the kids sometimes, I know they are at the crazy age right now. They have their day, some day they are good they listen some day they just don't care what we say. Some day they are happy someday they just cry at everything. Is tough not just for him, me too. I just hope we can solve our problems and be more happy. Is been like this for months and we are not getting better. I'm worry.

[lifesisabiatch]

I have friends that I can talk to. I can't tell them everything because they don't understand. They thinks that I'm over exaggerating things. I have one bff, all she tell me is why am i putting up with this ? What am I supposed to do ? leave him ? I told her when I still sees hope I'll keep working on it. We have so much argument we don't discuss about relationship anymore.

[catballou]

Lifeisabitch you don't say why your relationship was rough before so I don't know if there are deeper issues or problems with this man, but currently it sounds like he is frustrated from not working and having to be in the role of staying home looking after the kids, which it sounds like he's not the greatest at.
Communication seems to have really broken down between you -it sounds like you need to sit down with a third party-is there anyway you could have some sort of counselling-would he go to it? You both need to hear the other's side of the story about the issues , but remain in a non- shouting atmosphere, with someone mediating .
You want to improve things...you hate living in this stressful atmosphere and know that it is not nice for the kids either to have their parents constantly at war. Does he recognise this is a horrible way to be , it can't really continue , and is he prepared to accept his role in it and work with you towards improving things for you all as a family? That is the question. It's no good only you wanting to change things-you've recognised there is a big problem -he needs to as well.

Having small children is hard, anyone with a three old knows this, and it certainly is easier having family around to give you support in these years...something which you don't have. Yes it is stressful for him to know his parents are sick and he is far away and can do nothing...but taking out stress on you on the children isn't helping.

Do you love him? Does he have enough good things about him that you want to stay in the relationship? It does sound like you have reached a point where your family needs some outside input...perhaps you could see if there is some family support/marital counselling in your area. Maybe a recommendation through your church? (If you go to one).

[lifesisabiatch]

Catballou- thank you for your inputs and understanding. You just point out all my worries and concern. Yes, he had some issue in the past and is under control now. I know he's frustrated I'm not pushing him doing anything that he's not willing to do. I let him decides what he wants to do with job, his parents. He never talk to me about how he feel anymore, like his parents are not happy they are sick. I found that out either by asking him or reading his email from his parents or brother. I asked him he just tell me everything is the same, fine, okay etc. I told him I'm not a mind reader he needs to talk to me so I know. I hate the guessing game, we are not dating anymore I don't have time to guess. I told him the kids are getting older, they know when we argue it will affect them. I can't stand arguing like this in front of the kids. He said I'm the one who started. He knows and recognized we have problems. He said he's trying very hard at it already. Why don't I give him some time and space, I don't know what he mean my that, we barely talk. I know he's not the kind of guy that can handle kids so I put the kids into a lil longer class. Used to be 2 day/ week now 5/week. I would put them into full day but I can't afford right now. They will be in full day when he goes back to work.

I told him exactly what you said, by not taking the stress on the kids..they don't know anything. He keep saying they are not kids they know and they will get you. I'm speechless !!! they are not even 4..sigh...

Honestly, I asked myself that same question many times before. Do I love him ? does he have enough good things for me to stick around ? I really don't have the answer right now. Before I'm very sure I love him, he's a great guy. We were very happy. Our first year with the kids was really good. He is a very gentle, sweet father. He spoil them more then me. I don't know what went wrong...I'm hoping for him to go back to work and I will see what happen ?

I know we need a lil counselling but he will never agree to one. He doesn't think we are in that much trouble to seek for one. He think is the natural things that happen to all family. Either this or that no family is perfect. I don't know how to tell him there's a different between perfect and normal.

[DaemonPantalaemon]

Thanks so much for coming back. I had a father very much like this, who believed that kids should be seen and not heard. He also talked a lot about how we should respect him. He came from a culture that is not European, where the emphasis was on him being the head of the household.

The result was that we ended up fearing him, not respecting him. We became afraid to be ourselves when he was around. It is very hard to change a man who thinks like this, but you may want to explain to your husband that his attitude will eventually alienate him from his children. They will end up afraid of him, not loving him.

You also need to tell him that his negativity is driving you away. True, you don't want to leave him, do tell him that, but make it clear that if you stay together, he has to work hard to change how he talks to you and the kids.

Is there someone you can stay with for a few days, with the kids? It might help if you go away for a few days, without him, so that he thinks about what you have told him, and so that you step out of the negativity for a few days.

Wishing you well, and your kids too.

[catballou]

You say he used to be a great father, was gentle and sweet with them-so that is in there somewhere. I do wonder if so much of his bad way of coping at home and current behaviour is largely due to lack of work, being unemployed does bad things to your self esteem and self image.

This of course is no excuse for endless impatience with the twins...and certainly he needs to understand that small children need to be what they are-small children, and exactly as DaemonPantalamon says if his overbearing shouting behaviour continues he will end up alienating them and making them fearful of him-is this what he wants?
It's very hard if he won't go meet you half way and tackle the problem . Saying he knows there is a problem isn't enough, he has to actively want to deal with it.
What kind of family does he come from? I wonder if his own father listened to his mother if there were problems. If there was bad communication in the family he came from then there were poor role models for him to base his own behaviour on. It doesn't mean it's hopeless it just makes it harder.
You say he may go to work in three months time-I imagine things would improve in the home a lot once he did. However, you would have got a taste of the unemployed version of your partner...and it's not a good one. Being a single parent is very hard (I've done it) and I understand you really want to try to make this work, not just throw in the towel.

Does he understand how deeply his own behaviour is affecting you? He needs to understand you are not okay with the lack of talking and communication between you-that is not how marriage should be and in turn would not be a good role model for your own kids.

Communication is everything-and for him this means listening. He's not listening at the moment at all. He is dismissing your concerns with 'no family is perfect...but you are right-you are not asking for perfect, you are asking for a pleasant calm home for your children and a partner who communicates with you. That is not too much to ask.
If he won't go to counselling , is there anyone at all he would listen to, maybe a family member you could confide in a little?

[TheYoniKeeper]

Oh dear, sorry to hear that OP

It does sound like emotional abuse, as you're scared of his reaction before you even say anything to him about his actions or even just voicing your opinion.

Have you told him how you honestly feel about the relationship right now? Could you?

You and your children deserve a calm as can be with kids home life. If he's not prepared to hear you out then it really isn't worth it. You don't have to put up with it for the kids or for anyone

[TheYoniKeeper]

Even if he is stressed from his situation (unemployed etc) he shouldn't take it out on you & it may be worth pulling him up on that & letting him know that using you & the kids as an emotional punching bag is not an option

[lifesisabiatch]

DaemonPantalamon - no ! thank you for coming back to reads my problems and giving me advice :) I really need an outsider hearing what I have to say and tell me if I'm wrong or I'm just over reacting everything. Maybe strangers will see and tell me something that I don't know and help me communicated better with my husband. Maybe I don't know how to speak to my husband face to face using the right words/attitude to make him feel I'm not trying to control him or being like a biatch.

Your father sound so much like my husband right now. That's exactly what I'm afraid of, I'm afraid that the kids will fear him later on and they wouldn't want to talk to him or just face him. I want them to love him, talk to him and say what they want to say with out being scare (like how I'm scare of him right now, scare he would sudden get all mad start screaming at me )

A typical day like today. On my days off I get to sleep in till 9am. Kids wake up at 7-8 he would wake up with them and left me sleeping cause he know I need it. He just give them milk and they all hang out with each other. Hang out was what is used to be every morning before I get up but now...if they behave they will get to sit still watch their fave show ( but don't make a noise..don't move..just be still and watch ... I can't stand that how do you expect a lil kid to do that for an hour ? ) If not they are punish sit in the corner ( oh yeah stand there don't move just be like a statute ...I'm serious ) When I wake up I would make breakfast... we all eat together...omg it is never a pleasant meal ANY meal. Of course you would've guess that he doesn't let them talk, look or stare at anything beside their plate. I can't even do that but yes he makes them do that every meal everyday. If they do something after they finish is punish again. I don't know how many punishment he give them a day. My day off I would take the kids out, we usually go to hang out with my gf, so we are out all day til bed time we get home. That's how give him a break everyweek, cause I know he needs it. He doesn't participate and go out with us anymore. I can just take the kids out do whatever I want he would just stay home. He doesn't even want to go out to eat, imagines we are out eating. Everywhere we go there's always time he yell at them so loud ppls are staring, I'm so embarrassed. How he yell at home he imply to it in public. I told him that if he talk to them with the right tone of voice they will know and they will be scare without him screaming like he's about to kill them.

I try to talk to him in a very nice way, no screaming no yelling very normal of how I feel. I told him that my main concern is his temper he have toward us. He need patience he have to give the kids more patience, 1 2 time they wouldn't listen the 3rd is screaming. That's now how you get them to listen. He just tell me that's how it is, that's how much patience he can give ! What am I supposed to do when he said that ? I told him what will happen in the long term, he tells me I'm just thinking too much. Not true, it already happen, like today kids sat down for breakfast, one of them was about to say something...he asked them WHAT ? she suddenly all scare and said nothing...he gets all mad asking her over and over again he break down and cries. Finally she said teacher say blah blah in school.

I don't know how to get it through his head, he is such a stubborn guy. I'm not telling him to change anything I'm telling him to chill and not get all work up at everything. Why is it so hard !!

[lifesisabiatch]

Catballou - yes I know is in him, that's why I'm just waiting for him to feel better and back to the father and guy we once know. He's like that but there's time he's so nice to the kids. He just made the kids a cd with their fave songs and leave it on the car, he plays for them for the entired rides. When they just get him wrong he's like a lil puppy turning into a tiger within second.

I don't know his family much. Seem like the dad is the boss in the house. The mom love him very much. There's one time we came back to visit when the kids was about 1 or so. After staying there for 3 days I had to go home. She freak out saying I don't know how to be a wife. How can I sleep in like that, how can I left my husband doing all the work while I can sleep. How the hell do I sleep through all the cries and yelling I'm a cold heart person. I was shock and speechless of what she told me, I couldn't believe that's how she think I break down crying and I have to go home. She told me if I want to stay here I better start acting up. She doesn't care what others do, what I used to do or live. I doesn't want to see it in her house. After that incident we rarely chat. Just saying hi, he tell me to forgive his mom and understand how she feel. I don't even get into this right now. But yeah, I'm not close to his family, I feel that they are just fake when they talk to me, all they care is their son well being. Imagine what they will say to me when they know this is how he feel.

[lifesisabiatch]

TheYoniKeeper - thank you. I have told him many times, if we are not happy we can't raise a happy child. Everything we do will effect them a lil or a lot. His anger will affect them, they will be very easily angry at things just like him, they will be loud just like him and think is normal.