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[vikingmaid]

Long story...but SBXH have a breakdown last year and drinking heavily...OW (briefly) now in small flat, no car, money etc

May have BPD? Off work sick. seemed to be wanted to connect back with family and since leaving had a few self harm/ suicide (all drinking) related attemps.

Obviously wary about kids staying over, all though never shown any problems until after xmas when he text for me to pick them up as he had started drinking.

Since then he has spent nearly every weekend with us, going home during the week. cake and eat it comes to mind. Lots of hints about missing us etc. I realised I have been drawn in AGAIN!

So what to do now? Stop the visits and leave him to sort himself out, I dont think he even realises that he says only because I'm not letting him have the kids alone.

Obviously I (stupidly) wanted to get back on track as he was going to counselling etc. But its doing my head in keeping kids happy and him safe! No family within 200 miles. us us. Thanks for reading. Have also posted in lone parents, welcome all your wise words;)

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

If you're worried about your children staying over then you're quite entitled to limit visits to short duration. Otherwise, yes, I think you'd be foolish to get drawn into this one man Pity Party and you should detach more completely than you are currently doing. The suicide/self harm business is very selfish and manipulative on his part. If he's a STBXH then keep exchanges to purely factual/practical matters concerning the children. Everything else is 'I'll give this to my solicitor to deal with'.

[vikingmaid]

Thanks, wise words. Just confused by his mixed messages that he wants to sort himself out and come back. don't know if to cut finally or give it time...:( Wish I had no feelings for him!!

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

The problem here is that you still think you are responsible for his wellbeing. You believe you owe him a last chance or that he might have some change of personality... that the 'real him' is still under there somewhere. You're even wondering if he has some disorder, breakdown or similar. Which is a valiant attempt to rationalise/excuse his behaviour.

The awful truth is that this probably is the real him. When presented with an emotional blackmailer that's giving out mixed messages & blowing hot and cold, the more time you give them to work their, the worse you'll feel and for longer. Cut them off to let them sort themselves out in private, make them responsible for themselves, and you'll be far happier