Hi all
I wd be really really grateful for advice from the many wise contributors to this board. I have NCd. Please Forgive Iphone typoes.
I am married - married three years, together for nine, and a beautiful baby DD 6 months, the light of my world. I am blissful with her. She is so great! But my marriage is just breaking my heart. And I am wondering if we should call it a day.
My H hasn't cheated or beaten me up. The problem is much less dramatic but still very very painful.
Basically he has always been astonishingly emotionally reserved. Like - amazingly. he says the problem is that he doesn't even know what his own emotions are most if the time. He is so strangely neutral.
he isn't demonstratively warm emotionally.
If he sees me sad about something for example, he will just stand or sit and look at m impassively. And perhaps if prompted will say 'that's sad' or something in a neutral tone. If he realises he is annoyed or sad he keeps it all hidden again behind this extraordinary impassive calm face and won't tell me. If something wonderful happens and I want to share the joy with him he will again stay really muted but might say 'that's good'.
Probably doesn't sound much. But It is exhausting and means we do fight a lot - always the same thing. (Lack of emotional expression/ zero spontaneity). And fighting is NOT okay because I want Dd to have a warm positive environment. Not one where emotions have to be painstakingly elicited and explained and where fights happen because of the total mismatch.
It also makes me feel so lonely. (Can't help choking up writing this.) I am an exuberant and enthusiastic person myself and don't find it hard to express emotions and this is so so foreign to me.
For nine years I have tried - I have tried to appreciate he just isn't wired like me, and I have tried to help explain the kinds if responses that would help me feel he was emotionally engaging with me. But it is exhausting. It feels like I have the job of stage managing emotions fir me and another adult.
I YEARN fir a relationship where I could say 'this sad/happy thing happened' and the person would just naturally, instinctively respond with 'wow that's great/ damn that's a shame' or whatever. Where we could chat naturally. Where I wouldn't have to either accept I can't ever share feelings or painstakingly help him access his own and express them.
The mars/Venus 'learn to empathise' books captured some of the issues but the scale is way too vast - as he says the problem is that he doesn't even know what his emotions are most if the time.
I have wondered if he may have aspergers mildly. But I think the issue, if there is one, is more upbringing - his incredibly weird mother is practically silent, never told him she lived him his entire childhood (mentioned it the first time when he got in a teain to leave home fir university). She is really strange and socially awkward - will sit in total silence and then say something bafflingly random and odd - and all through his childhood the family never talked about emotions or to be frank virtually anything else! It is very odd visiting them. Whole days can go by without any if them initiating a conversation. ( I of course leap in and chatter where possible, but in a baffled way).
But really the family background is only relevant insofar as it may give some clues and I am desperate to find a solution - to unlock his heart - so we can share things and be happy.
The only time his face softens and his voice gets spontaneously warm is sometimes when talking to our baby daughter. He can sometimes do it then. It is amazing to see. He says he doesn't know how he does it rhen.
Nine years is a long time. The issues have always been there. But now baby is here I haven't got time or energy to keep being the one doing all the emotional labour. and I increasingly think that being alone - breaking up - would actually feel less lonely.:/ nine more years sounds awful especially when there is beautiful happy baby I want to make a positive environment for. That is the crux frankly. I am determined to give her a warm loving home .
Oh gosh probably too incoherent. I just kind of hope someone might have a miracle suggestion that helps me unlock his heart - because locking mine up isn't an option - I want a loving spontaneous expressive home for her. Even if it has to just be one parent :(
Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody
Relationships
Help. Emotionally distant H - i am wondering about ending our marriage.
MummyOfSunbeam · 02/04/2013 11:37
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