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Leaving EA relationship - do I tell him my plans or plot quietly?(27 Posts)
I am a first-time poster and over the last year have been reading and drawing strength from other people's posts and advice. Sorry this is long, didn't want to drip feed.
I've been married to my H for nearly 14 years and have 3 DC - 10, 8 & 5. I'm from UK and we moved to H's country (near UK) after we married. I have my eyes wide open now to his EA behaviour, he is a narcissist and emotionally immature. I moved into the spare room over a year ago and have come to terms with the fact that my marriage is over.
I have fretted endlessly about the kids and that has stopped me walking out before. H has
predictably said that he will not be leaving the house or the kids - but I can "fuck off". I am a SAHM and have no family here, his family are also abusive & I have as little contact with them as possible. DD makes 1st Holy Communion in May, so I'm staying put until then.
I've been thinking about moving back to UK and my family. My Mum lives on her own (DD died when my DS & I were babies). Mum is in late 70s & independent but has heart condition / on meds etc. My DS has MS, is in a wheelchair, is a recently single Mum (another twunt) to 2 DS (9 & 5) & is also independent - still working and driving etc. They will need my support in the future & if I am going to disrupt DCs schooling by moving I feel I should do it before DS1 hits High School.
Things changed in January when H went to UK to look for work & is based near my family. We have not had a proper conversation
with the back of his head about separating. He's been back a few times to see kids and I say nothing as I would like him to remain in UK - it would make it much easier for me to move back if he is already there. He will not want the kids to leave here as he is very patriotic and believes "life" is so much better here and standard of schooling higher.
So, I've been plotting quietly, thinking about going to UK during Summer holidays and then not coming back. I've been putting money away & renewing work contacts in the hope of securing a job. I could move in with my Mum until I find work & affordable housing (haha). I have contacted local school/council re DC.
If you've stayed reading this long thanks! Friends in RL advise me that I should try to talk to him about my reasons for wanting to move back to UK rather than presenting him with a "fait accompli". Any advice?
When it comes to abusive partners my advice would always be secret plot then leave. He's already said you can fuck off but the kids aren't coming with you so talking to him first is not going to be productive. But I would get some legal advice too, especially with you living in another country. Maybe from a lawyer here rather than there if divorce is frowned upon there... Resolution.org has specialists in abuse cases local to your family's area. you can put your reasons in the goodbye note you leave on the mantel. (or email seeing as it's the 21st century)
Do you have evidence, diaries etc of the abuse?
If your H is already working in the uk and he's not leaving any time soon, I don't think you'll have a problem going to live in the uk with your dc.
But do get legal advice.
And I definitely wouldn't discuss anything relating to leaving or living in the uk with him.
This is your one and only chance of getting back to the UK. If you speak to him you will destroy any chance of it. In your position I wouldn't breathe a word of it, and would continue with your current plan - planning a 'summer holiday' and getting all your work contacts reestablished.
If he's working in the UK he wouldn't have much of a chance in getting you to move back to 'his' country through the court system.
EA = Emotional Abuser lilmamma
OP, keep schtum. get legal advice and make plans that will be OK in law.
Do you have any records of his abuse? Could you 'prove' it? (for child residency issues)
I'm not doubting you btw OP, but documentary evidence, conversations with your Dr etc will be helpful if things (predictably) get ugly.
and divorce in UK if at all possible
thank heavens he is working over here, so you can present it as a reasonable place to live for continued child contact...
s'alright lilmamma I'm glad you had to ask, means you've probably not suffered it!
I wouldnt say anything either, as he could move the children, id just play along and make a fuss over the communion, so it looks all normal, good luck.
Hissy, iam going through something similar, only my husband left after a row and now is begging to come back, but i dont want him to, ive had the phoning my parents to say goodbye and it was nice knowing them, and all his family turning on me, but i really dont care about them, they are in the wrong and im a strong person, and iam doing what i should have done a long time ago
Thanks so much for your messages.
I've had advice & counselling from Women's Aid & confided in my GP a couple of years ago, so my relationship is on record. I live very close to the UK and know of a case where a UK woman was forced by the courts to return her children here, so I tread carefully. I hope to get legal advice this week with regard to divorcing in UK & obtaining residency for the DC. There is no work here so he is unlikely to return permanently so I say nothing that will rock the boat.
lilmamma stay strong. I let H back in a couple of years ago and regretted it almost straight away. I burst into tears telling my BF that we had got back together...
stay strong lil you are doing the right thing.
Keep your plans secret, present him with a fait accompli by returning to the UK after the end of this school year and, once you've made the move, apply for a residency order in respect of the dc and whack him with a petition to divorce.
Another vote for plotting and planning. Can I recommend "Stop signs: Recognizing, Avoiding, and Escaping Abusive Relationships" by Lynn Fairweather which is excellent on leaving/escaping. It is the best I've read on this subject, especially good on leaving.
Also make sure he can't spy on your planning activities. eg on chrome you can use incognito browsing or delete individual pages from the browsing history. delete numbers from your call history to women's aid etc.
Thanks izzyizin I feel almost excited about doing exactly that. ohlori thanks for recommended read.
I feel so much stronger about leaving than I did this time last year, but I worry horribly about DS1 (10) who is verbally mimicking his father's behaviour towards me, so there is no going back. However, the lure of living closer to his Dad should soften the blow.
Thanks waffly I try to remember to delete browing history but I shall look into incognito browsing.
Lil, I have recently returned to the uk and am mid divorce. My 'D'H wanted to divorce in the country we were living in (eu) I was unhappy and refused to do so as I felt the laws were less favourable for mothers ( I may be wrong just a gut feeling) I returned ( with his consent ) and filed for divorce here.
Expressed concerns that be would file from there and my sol . Said if he did we could apply for jurisdictional dispute order as I am no longer resident . He was officially resident there although he was actually living in uk. Where are you officially resident ? And he? And where were you married? these are all relevant and will make a difference. I would say come back for the holiday ' forget' to return then file for divorce as a uk resident. Get yourself officialised ASAP so you can prove habitual residency . But I would recommend you speak to lawyer there and also in uk to get advice first re your rights . !!
Are you in France, Italy, Belgium or Denmark?
Thanks raenbow & DIY. I'm wary about posting my whereabouts, I doubt so much that my H would find this as he's barely able to use a mobile phone but others could identify me from my original post. I'm just outside the UK in the eu. We married here, my husband and children are citizens - I retained my UK citizenship. So we are all resident here. However, I overheard H telling SIL that he has opened UK bank account, so he will be identifiable as working/residing in UK. Thanks for advice re Jurisdictional Dispute Order. I think H will accept my choice as he would like to appear to be different to my twunt of a soon to be ex-BIL who is making my DSis life very difficult. Could be wrong though but I'm glad MN has backed my gut instinct that I should plot quietly.
Apparently SOME countries have laws which make it much tougher for you to have your divorce heard in the UK, or for you to take your DC and reside in the UK - particularly the countries I mentioned.
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